A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
Enough money within her control to move out
And rent a place of her own.
Even if she never wants or needs to.
Something perfect to wear if the employer,
Or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour..
A youth she's content to leave behind..
AWOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
Retelling it in her old age.
A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
One friend who always makes her laugh....and one who lets her cry.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.
Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems
And a recipe for a meal
That will make her guests feel honored.
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE:
A feeling of control over her destiny.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
How to fall in love without losing herself.
How to quit a job,
Break up with a lover,
And confront a friend without
Ruining the friendship.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
When to try harder...and when to walk away.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
That she can't change the length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.
That her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
What she would and wouldn't do for love or more.
How to live alone...even if she doesn't like it.
Whom she can trust; whom she can't..
And why she shouldn't take it personally.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
Where to go...
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table
Or a charming Inn in the woods...
When her soul needs soothing.
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW:
What she can and can't accomplish in a day..
A month....a year.
AND REMEMBER:
GOOD FRIENDS ARE LIKE STARS.
YOU DON'T ALWAYS SEE THEM,
BUT YOU ALWAYS KNOW THEY ARE THERE!
Blessings to all who read this!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Monday, January 28, 2008
A HARD DAY...A SOFT WORD
It's a hot, sticky day. Sun is beating down. Rain is a threat and it's humid. Tempers are short..especially mine right now.
I've put in a hard day's work and all I want to do is go home, but I have to run an errand and then go to the grocery store. I'd rather not..grocery shopping to me ranks right up there with having a root canal! But, there's nothing for dinner and I have a family to feed, so I hurry, hurry, hurry. Impatience is definitely my co-pilot today!
I get my groceries, stand in a too-long line to pay for them and finally load them into my car and head out of the parking lot, thinking about how I just want to get out of this heat and home as quickly as possible.
Suddenly, to my left I see a big old lumbering van pulling out in front of me and I have to slam on my brakes to avoid getting hit. Rage instantly engulfs me as quickly and as hot as a prairie brush fire eats up tinder-dry grass. I roar around the van and, seeing an older man behind the wheel I get even angrier. (at my younger age I am of the opinion that all older people should get off the roads and out of everyone else's way!!) My windows are down and I let loose with a string of expletives and a rude hand gesture, and zoom ahead----only to hit the red light at the exit of the parking lot---and here comes the van, and it pulls up in the lane right beside me.
At first I refuse to look over..but then I do and although my window is now closed, I can tell that the man is trying to say something. I roll down my window, expecting a return blast of nastiness in response to my own previous show of temper, and I'm ready for whatever he has to say..but..instead, to my absolute shock, in a quiet, gentle tone he says, "I am so sorry that I pulled out in front of you. I didn't mean to. I guess I was just not paying attention and I am sorry."
Wow!! It isn't at all what I expect! Just as quickly as it appeared, my anger is gone; shame replaces it and I apologize to him as well for my rude lapse of manners. He just smiles kindly and says, "It's okay." Just like that, he graces me with instant forgiveness.
The light turns green and we go in our separate directions---but, that man changed me forever. He could have easily been just as ugly to me as I was to him..but, instead, he taught me an unforgettable lesson in a tiny minute of time with a few soft words.
This was years ago, but I have not forgotten that incident. (And now, I am an "older driver" myself.)When someone cuts me off or does something else irritating on the road I don't take it personally anymore. People make mistakes. It's as simple as that. Instead of instantly becoming angry I think to myself: "I'll bet if that person had the opportunity to apologize for that little error they would." It has also made me more aware of my own mistakes on the road, and hopeful that the person I've irritated realizes that it wasn't intentional--and if I'm given the opportunity to tell them so, I will.
The grace to forgive each other, even when we are strangers, is part of what makes us civilized human beings. Without that, we are doomed to war forever with no hope of peace. If you doubt that, just look at countries that have been at war for generations. Think about that: GENERATIONS! Those people have known nothing but war all their lives; their little boys at age 10...(and even younger) are taught how to shoot and kill each other. They have never known a childhood...and I doubt they will ever be able to live in any kind of peace; they have been taught hatred from the cradle.
Personally, I don't ever want to live that way. Do you?
I've put in a hard day's work and all I want to do is go home, but I have to run an errand and then go to the grocery store. I'd rather not..grocery shopping to me ranks right up there with having a root canal! But, there's nothing for dinner and I have a family to feed, so I hurry, hurry, hurry. Impatience is definitely my co-pilot today!
I get my groceries, stand in a too-long line to pay for them and finally load them into my car and head out of the parking lot, thinking about how I just want to get out of this heat and home as quickly as possible.
Suddenly, to my left I see a big old lumbering van pulling out in front of me and I have to slam on my brakes to avoid getting hit. Rage instantly engulfs me as quickly and as hot as a prairie brush fire eats up tinder-dry grass. I roar around the van and, seeing an older man behind the wheel I get even angrier. (at my younger age I am of the opinion that all older people should get off the roads and out of everyone else's way!!) My windows are down and I let loose with a string of expletives and a rude hand gesture, and zoom ahead----only to hit the red light at the exit of the parking lot---and here comes the van, and it pulls up in the lane right beside me.
At first I refuse to look over..but then I do and although my window is now closed, I can tell that the man is trying to say something. I roll down my window, expecting a return blast of nastiness in response to my own previous show of temper, and I'm ready for whatever he has to say..but..instead, to my absolute shock, in a quiet, gentle tone he says, "I am so sorry that I pulled out in front of you. I didn't mean to. I guess I was just not paying attention and I am sorry."
Wow!! It isn't at all what I expect! Just as quickly as it appeared, my anger is gone; shame replaces it and I apologize to him as well for my rude lapse of manners. He just smiles kindly and says, "It's okay." Just like that, he graces me with instant forgiveness.
The light turns green and we go in our separate directions---but, that man changed me forever. He could have easily been just as ugly to me as I was to him..but, instead, he taught me an unforgettable lesson in a tiny minute of time with a few soft words.
This was years ago, but I have not forgotten that incident. (And now, I am an "older driver" myself.)When someone cuts me off or does something else irritating on the road I don't take it personally anymore. People make mistakes. It's as simple as that. Instead of instantly becoming angry I think to myself: "I'll bet if that person had the opportunity to apologize for that little error they would." It has also made me more aware of my own mistakes on the road, and hopeful that the person I've irritated realizes that it wasn't intentional--and if I'm given the opportunity to tell them so, I will.
The grace to forgive each other, even when we are strangers, is part of what makes us civilized human beings. Without that, we are doomed to war forever with no hope of peace. If you doubt that, just look at countries that have been at war for generations. Think about that: GENERATIONS! Those people have known nothing but war all their lives; their little boys at age 10...(and even younger) are taught how to shoot and kill each other. They have never known a childhood...and I doubt they will ever be able to live in any kind of peace; they have been taught hatred from the cradle.
Personally, I don't ever want to live that way. Do you?
NOTHING WRITTEN IN STONE.....
Nothing is written in stone.
Everything can be changed.
When I feel the most vulnerable
Is when I know I must assess what is...
And turn it into what is BETTER!
Everything can be changed.
When I feel the most vulnerable
Is when I know I must assess what is...
And turn it into what is BETTER!
Sunday, January 27, 2008
SAY "I LOVE YOU" NOW!
I was tearing up my office today looking for a particular photograph that I've been looking for for quite awhile now. Really frustrating, because I KNOW the darn thing has to be somewhere around here.........so where IS it? Annoying!
While looking for it, and saying some bad words to myself, suddenly I ran across a photo album that contains many old family pictures and it stopped me cold. I had to look through it.
In this album are pictures of me as a child with my younger brother and older sister, as well as my parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and some relatives from WAY back that I never knew, but feel so blessed to have pictures of them.
I've moved many, many times over the past 50 years, from the time I was 12 years old until 1995 when I finally settled down where I am now..and during those moves, too many pictures have disappeared. I always envy people who have photos of their ancestors hanging on the walls in their homes...they just don't know how blessed they are to have those wonderful pieces of their family's history!
But, today, it hit a little closer to home because as I looked at this album, I saw several pictures of my little brother, Jay, who was killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve in 1995. I will never, as long as I live, forget that phone call that I got from my sister's husband on that Christmas Eve twelve years ago telling me of his passing. My sister was too distraught to make any calls so her husband took over the task. It seems like yesterday..and yet, eons ago.
As I looked at those pictures of him as a child, and those taken later of him as an adult, the tears rolled down my cheeks. I miss him so much!
My brother lived in California at the time of this accident, as did my older sister, brother-in-law and parents. I lived here in the Midwest.
My sister is five years older than I, and our brother, Jay, was 7 years younger than I, and twelve years younger than my sister.
Because of problems in our family, Jay became very attached to my sister when he was just a tiny little kid, and down through the years, she always looked out for him. I did, too, and he came to me for many things, but, our sister was his "mother".
He grew attached to me as well.
Eventually, because of my divorce and the need to get my three children out of California in 1973, I made the choice to move back here to the Midwest. My brother was pretty mad at me; he accused me of "deserting" him. My sister was pretty ticked off as well. She called me a "loser" because my marriage failed...those were the last words she said to me before I left and they still hurt today, even though she and I have mended our relationship over the past 15 years.. (My parents weren't too thrilled either, but they did understand and supported me.)
It broke my heart that I had to leave everyone, but, the bottom line was that I had to do what was best for my children. They were always...and still are...priority.
My brother chose to not speak to me for the next 16 years. And I didn't talk to my sister for the next 9 years. She and I were never close, even growing up....I was just her little pain-in-the-butt sister. Part of the reason for that, I'm sure , was that when we were kids we had to share a room. She was Ms. Neat and I was Susie-Super-Slob. There was a line down the middle of our room....and it was obvious who's section was whose! (Hilarious, because now I own a successful residential cleaning service!) We were always polar opposites...and pretty much still are, although we have do have more in common now that we're older than we did while growing up.
But, it was always a pain in my heart that my sister and brother had fallen away from me. I missed them, but didn't know how to fix it.
Then, in September of 1989, I decided to move to New Mexico with my oldest daughter and then 3 year old grandson. The night before we left, everything had been disconnected except the phone and the electricity, which were scheduled for disconnection the next day. The U-Haul truck and our cars were all loaded up and ready to go. We threw down sleeping bags on the floor of the living room to use until the next morning.
Then, about 8:00 that evening, the phone rang. I almost didn't answer it, but then I did. It was my brother! I hadn't heard from him for 16 years. It was amazing. My sister had my phone number, even though we didn't keep in regular touch and my brother had asked her for it so he could call me.
When I answered the phone and heard my brother's voice I was speechless. I was so happy to hear from him. As we talked, it was as if it was just yesterday since we last spoke. I told him I was moving and gave him my new address and asked him to come visit me as soon as possible. He promised he would.
(Now, personally, I believe in miracles and I think our parents who had passed on years ago had a hand in this....why else would he have been able to reach me that night just a few hours before I disconnected that phone number and moved to another state where he may not have been able to find me?)
Anyway, I moved to New Mexico, and my brother did come out to see me twice during the 6 years I lived there. We reconnected and it was wonderful! We had such fun running around NM.
(Also, my sister and I reconnected as well; she came out to see me in NM, too. We had a great time. And then, in June of 1995, when she and my brother-in-law were relocating to Tennessee, they stopped by to see me on their way there. It was the same year I moved back here to the Midwest, September of '95.)
Shortly after I moved back here in Sept 1995, I got a call from my brother...the last time I spoke to him. We talked for awhile, and just before we hung up, I said to him, "I love you." "I love you, too", he said.
Three months later, on Christmas Eve, I got that terrible phone call telling me my brother was gone.
The only comfort I got was the fact that the last words I said to him were "I love you."
It taught me a lesson.....never end a conversation with loved ones or beloved friends without saying "I love you." You don't know if those are the last words you may be able to say to them...or that they may be able to say to you.
Do not let petty irritations stand between you and your loved ones. Talk about and fix whatever is wrong. ALWAYS end a phone call with the words "I love you." ALWAYS hug your friends and loved ones when they leave your home, and say "I love you" to them. I don't care if you talk to them or see them every day...Never take for granted that you will be able to tell them or show them you love them tomorrow....tomorrow is promised to no one.
Tell those you love that you love them. Fix whatever petty differences you may have NOW!
You don't want to have to live with knowing that the last thing you said to anyone you love was something nasty or negative, just because you wanted to "be right."
While looking for it, and saying some bad words to myself, suddenly I ran across a photo album that contains many old family pictures and it stopped me cold. I had to look through it.
In this album are pictures of me as a child with my younger brother and older sister, as well as my parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and some relatives from WAY back that I never knew, but feel so blessed to have pictures of them.
I've moved many, many times over the past 50 years, from the time I was 12 years old until 1995 when I finally settled down where I am now..and during those moves, too many pictures have disappeared. I always envy people who have photos of their ancestors hanging on the walls in their homes...they just don't know how blessed they are to have those wonderful pieces of their family's history!
But, today, it hit a little closer to home because as I looked at this album, I saw several pictures of my little brother, Jay, who was killed in a car accident on Christmas Eve in 1995. I will never, as long as I live, forget that phone call that I got from my sister's husband on that Christmas Eve twelve years ago telling me of his passing. My sister was too distraught to make any calls so her husband took over the task. It seems like yesterday..and yet, eons ago.
As I looked at those pictures of him as a child, and those taken later of him as an adult, the tears rolled down my cheeks. I miss him so much!
My brother lived in California at the time of this accident, as did my older sister, brother-in-law and parents. I lived here in the Midwest.
My sister is five years older than I, and our brother, Jay, was 7 years younger than I, and twelve years younger than my sister.
Because of problems in our family, Jay became very attached to my sister when he was just a tiny little kid, and down through the years, she always looked out for him. I did, too, and he came to me for many things, but, our sister was his "mother".
He grew attached to me as well.
Eventually, because of my divorce and the need to get my three children out of California in 1973, I made the choice to move back here to the Midwest. My brother was pretty mad at me; he accused me of "deserting" him. My sister was pretty ticked off as well. She called me a "loser" because my marriage failed...those were the last words she said to me before I left and they still hurt today, even though she and I have mended our relationship over the past 15 years.. (My parents weren't too thrilled either, but they did understand and supported me.)
It broke my heart that I had to leave everyone, but, the bottom line was that I had to do what was best for my children. They were always...and still are...priority.
My brother chose to not speak to me for the next 16 years. And I didn't talk to my sister for the next 9 years. She and I were never close, even growing up....I was just her little pain-in-the-butt sister. Part of the reason for that, I'm sure , was that when we were kids we had to share a room. She was Ms. Neat and I was Susie-Super-Slob. There was a line down the middle of our room....and it was obvious who's section was whose! (Hilarious, because now I own a successful residential cleaning service!) We were always polar opposites...and pretty much still are, although we have do have more in common now that we're older than we did while growing up.
But, it was always a pain in my heart that my sister and brother had fallen away from me. I missed them, but didn't know how to fix it.
Then, in September of 1989, I decided to move to New Mexico with my oldest daughter and then 3 year old grandson. The night before we left, everything had been disconnected except the phone and the electricity, which were scheduled for disconnection the next day. The U-Haul truck and our cars were all loaded up and ready to go. We threw down sleeping bags on the floor of the living room to use until the next morning.
Then, about 8:00 that evening, the phone rang. I almost didn't answer it, but then I did. It was my brother! I hadn't heard from him for 16 years. It was amazing. My sister had my phone number, even though we didn't keep in regular touch and my brother had asked her for it so he could call me.
When I answered the phone and heard my brother's voice I was speechless. I was so happy to hear from him. As we talked, it was as if it was just yesterday since we last spoke. I told him I was moving and gave him my new address and asked him to come visit me as soon as possible. He promised he would.
(Now, personally, I believe in miracles and I think our parents who had passed on years ago had a hand in this....why else would he have been able to reach me that night just a few hours before I disconnected that phone number and moved to another state where he may not have been able to find me?)
Anyway, I moved to New Mexico, and my brother did come out to see me twice during the 6 years I lived there. We reconnected and it was wonderful! We had such fun running around NM.
(Also, my sister and I reconnected as well; she came out to see me in NM, too. We had a great time. And then, in June of 1995, when she and my brother-in-law were relocating to Tennessee, they stopped by to see me on their way there. It was the same year I moved back here to the Midwest, September of '95.)
Shortly after I moved back here in Sept 1995, I got a call from my brother...the last time I spoke to him. We talked for awhile, and just before we hung up, I said to him, "I love you." "I love you, too", he said.
Three months later, on Christmas Eve, I got that terrible phone call telling me my brother was gone.
The only comfort I got was the fact that the last words I said to him were "I love you."
It taught me a lesson.....never end a conversation with loved ones or beloved friends without saying "I love you." You don't know if those are the last words you may be able to say to them...or that they may be able to say to you.
Do not let petty irritations stand between you and your loved ones. Talk about and fix whatever is wrong. ALWAYS end a phone call with the words "I love you." ALWAYS hug your friends and loved ones when they leave your home, and say "I love you" to them. I don't care if you talk to them or see them every day...Never take for granted that you will be able to tell them or show them you love them tomorrow....tomorrow is promised to no one.
Tell those you love that you love them. Fix whatever petty differences you may have NOW!
You don't want to have to live with knowing that the last thing you said to anyone you love was something nasty or negative, just because you wanted to "be right."
D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
I just watched a show on TV that dealt with adult children of divorce, and I have to say that I got a little impatient with all the whining they did.
Let me first say that divorce absolutely sucks. No two ways...it sucks for everyone concerned. I mean, who gets married and says to themselves, "I only expect this to last for a little while, but we'll have kids anyway and torture them with our problems and breakup."? Divorce hurts everyone; especially the children....any fool knows that.
BUT...
These adult children were on this show expressing their continuing "anger" and "hurt" and resentment with their parents for having "broken up the home."
I say: You are adults....get over it. One woman was giving her mother a hard time for "not being there" after the divorce....the mother, by the way, was horribly hurt by the divorce and did not want it. She had to give away her dog, move out of the family home, go back to school, and get a full-time job; she had to support three kids..(because God knows it's the woman's financial circumstances which change when there's a divorce and it's rarely for the better.
Put that on top of the fact that women get paid less than men for doing the exact same job and you have a woman who has to work more than one job just to survive.....yeah, she's "not going to be there" as much. This mother had a lot of anger herself....her husband was the only man she ever had been with; married at 16, and had thought it was going to be for life. Suddenly she finds her whole world turned upside down....who can blame her for being angry?
Her daughter, this "adult" child was also whining because she said her mother didn't give her enough praise and depended on her too much to help out at home while the mom was working. Gee.......TOUGH! The person this girl should be mad at is the father who skipped out on his family to follow his own selfish desires. (He is, of course, remarried to a much younger woman.)
Sometimes, a person has no choice but to get out of a terrible marriage for reasons of physical or emotional abuse. What would the children in this type of situation have their mother do? Would it be better to stay in such a ridiculous and dangerous marriage "just for the kids' sake"? Does any kid in their right mind want to be in that kind of home?
The mistake I think that too many divorced women make is in turning their kids into a sounding board, trying to make "friends" out of them and trying to get them on your side by badmouthing the other parent. Big, big mistakes!! All those will come back to bite you...hard! Talk to your friends....not your kids....and discuss your frustrations with your friends out of your kids' hearing. As a parent, you need to be a rock, not a marshmallow. You cannot fall apart; you don't have that luxury.
Kids always need you to be a parent, not a friend...but, most especially when there's been a divorce. And please, don't burden them with what went wrong with the marriage. First of all, they don't want to hear that. Secondly, they won't understand it anyway; not having the life experience to relate to any of it. And, third, if you badmouth the other parent, the kid will automatically think: "Well, if he/she is so bad, and I'm one-half of them, then I must be bad, too."
Believe me, I know from experience how hard it is to keep your mouth shut when you hear your kids cry for their father, and blame you for "taking him away from us" and act like he was Mr. Wonderful even though he was not a good father at all because of his addictions and selfishness. Many, many times I wanted to scream with frustration...and, at night I did...into my pillow!
My children, when I left their father, were a boy, age 14, a girl, age 8 and a girl, age 4. My son was old enough to understand. My 4 year old was really too young to know much of what was going on, although she did ask for her daddy quite often. It was my 8 year old daughter who was most devastated by the divorce, and who was most angry with me for years. She was "Daddy's Girl." Because I did not talk against her father, she didn't understand why we left him. It was so very tempting to let it all out just so I wouldn't have to feel her anger and hurt directed at me....but I knew that wasn't the right thing to do.
Eventually, when she and her younger sister grew up, they saw for themselves why I left and took them away, not only from their father, but to another state where I knew they'd have a more stable environment and a better life. He showed his true colors, as I knew he would, and I didn't have to say a word.
I know the divorce affected my children; how could it not? I know they resented having to help so much around the house and I know it was hard because I had to be both mother and father and I had to be tough on them...(read my other posts and you will see what I mean.) but, too bad. We were a family and I expected things from them. Now that they're all grown, we've talked more about the whys and the wherefores of the past and the reasons for everything, because now they can understand more. Their father died two years ago and all of us, including me, were at his bedside and we all made our peace with him and forgave him...because that's what you do when you want to move on.
As adults, I do not believe that my children are hanging on to the past and still mad about the divorce....one of the reasons why is because they have lives of their own and realize that whatever happened in childhood is the past and you cannot live in the past or you lose the present, and won't have much of a future.
Everyone has things in the past that they wish didn't happen, whether it's childhood or later on...but, here's the thing: You are an adult now. Only you have the ability to make your present and future what you want it to be. You have the choice to either continue to whine about your childhood and whatever you perceive to be injustices done to you by your parents or whomever else, or, you can learn from past experiences and go on to make your own life what you want it to be. It's just that simple. Quit making it hard.
Like I have said many times: "If you don't like the way your bed is made, get out of it and re-make it!"
Let me first say that divorce absolutely sucks. No two ways...it sucks for everyone concerned. I mean, who gets married and says to themselves, "I only expect this to last for a little while, but we'll have kids anyway and torture them with our problems and breakup."? Divorce hurts everyone; especially the children....any fool knows that.
BUT...
These adult children were on this show expressing their continuing "anger" and "hurt" and resentment with their parents for having "broken up the home."
I say: You are adults....get over it. One woman was giving her mother a hard time for "not being there" after the divorce....the mother, by the way, was horribly hurt by the divorce and did not want it. She had to give away her dog, move out of the family home, go back to school, and get a full-time job; she had to support three kids..(because God knows it's the woman's financial circumstances which change when there's a divorce and it's rarely for the better.
Put that on top of the fact that women get paid less than men for doing the exact same job and you have a woman who has to work more than one job just to survive.....yeah, she's "not going to be there" as much. This mother had a lot of anger herself....her husband was the only man she ever had been with; married at 16, and had thought it was going to be for life. Suddenly she finds her whole world turned upside down....who can blame her for being angry?
Her daughter, this "adult" child was also whining because she said her mother didn't give her enough praise and depended on her too much to help out at home while the mom was working. Gee.......TOUGH! The person this girl should be mad at is the father who skipped out on his family to follow his own selfish desires. (He is, of course, remarried to a much younger woman.)
Sometimes, a person has no choice but to get out of a terrible marriage for reasons of physical or emotional abuse. What would the children in this type of situation have their mother do? Would it be better to stay in such a ridiculous and dangerous marriage "just for the kids' sake"? Does any kid in their right mind want to be in that kind of home?
The mistake I think that too many divorced women make is in turning their kids into a sounding board, trying to make "friends" out of them and trying to get them on your side by badmouthing the other parent. Big, big mistakes!! All those will come back to bite you...hard! Talk to your friends....not your kids....and discuss your frustrations with your friends out of your kids' hearing. As a parent, you need to be a rock, not a marshmallow. You cannot fall apart; you don't have that luxury.
Kids always need you to be a parent, not a friend...but, most especially when there's been a divorce. And please, don't burden them with what went wrong with the marriage. First of all, they don't want to hear that. Secondly, they won't understand it anyway; not having the life experience to relate to any of it. And, third, if you badmouth the other parent, the kid will automatically think: "Well, if he/she is so bad, and I'm one-half of them, then I must be bad, too."
Believe me, I know from experience how hard it is to keep your mouth shut when you hear your kids cry for their father, and blame you for "taking him away from us" and act like he was Mr. Wonderful even though he was not a good father at all because of his addictions and selfishness. Many, many times I wanted to scream with frustration...and, at night I did...into my pillow!
My children, when I left their father, were a boy, age 14, a girl, age 8 and a girl, age 4. My son was old enough to understand. My 4 year old was really too young to know much of what was going on, although she did ask for her daddy quite often. It was my 8 year old daughter who was most devastated by the divorce, and who was most angry with me for years. She was "Daddy's Girl." Because I did not talk against her father, she didn't understand why we left him. It was so very tempting to let it all out just so I wouldn't have to feel her anger and hurt directed at me....but I knew that wasn't the right thing to do.
Eventually, when she and her younger sister grew up, they saw for themselves why I left and took them away, not only from their father, but to another state where I knew they'd have a more stable environment and a better life. He showed his true colors, as I knew he would, and I didn't have to say a word.
I know the divorce affected my children; how could it not? I know they resented having to help so much around the house and I know it was hard because I had to be both mother and father and I had to be tough on them...(read my other posts and you will see what I mean.) but, too bad. We were a family and I expected things from them. Now that they're all grown, we've talked more about the whys and the wherefores of the past and the reasons for everything, because now they can understand more. Their father died two years ago and all of us, including me, were at his bedside and we all made our peace with him and forgave him...because that's what you do when you want to move on.
As adults, I do not believe that my children are hanging on to the past and still mad about the divorce....one of the reasons why is because they have lives of their own and realize that whatever happened in childhood is the past and you cannot live in the past or you lose the present, and won't have much of a future.
Everyone has things in the past that they wish didn't happen, whether it's childhood or later on...but, here's the thing: You are an adult now. Only you have the ability to make your present and future what you want it to be. You have the choice to either continue to whine about your childhood and whatever you perceive to be injustices done to you by your parents or whomever else, or, you can learn from past experiences and go on to make your own life what you want it to be. It's just that simple. Quit making it hard.
Like I have said many times: "If you don't like the way your bed is made, get out of it and re-make it!"
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
PERMANANT SOLUTION....TEMPORARY PROBLEM
This evening I was watching the news and I saw the sad news that a 28 year old, very talented, Oscar nominee actor, Heath Ledger, who has played great roles in major movies...one being "Brokeback Mountain" ...was found dead, and they think it may be suicide since prescription and non-prescription drugs were found ''strewn all around his body'' when he was discovered.
I don't know...it could have been just another case of too much money...too quick fame...too much availability of too many drugs and it got out of control.....who knows? Any way you look at it, it's sad. He left a small child behind, and now, if it's proven that he did commit suicide, that child will grow up thinking that his father didn't love him enough to stay here for him.....doesn't matter what people will tell him to the contrary...kids will find a way to believe that everything is their fault.
I don't know how many of you who have been visiting my site have read "My Personal Profile", but if you have, you know that I was a volunteer on a Suicide Crisis Hotline at one time. And, I want you to know that it took months of training before I was allowed to take any calls..you don't just jump up one day and decide to do this...mainly because if you say one wrong word it can make the difference between life and death. It isn't something you go into lightly and I took it very seriously.
That news report about Heath Ledger this evening got me thinking. Suicide seems to be on the rise...and it's tragic regardless of the person's age...but, to me, most heartbreaking of all, is teen suicide....a permanent solution for a temporary problem. ALL suicide falls into that category, but teens seem to be most unable to see anywhere into the future. They only see right now; right that moment. To them, the future is beyond their comprehension. They think that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. They don't get the concept of "permanant solution to a temporary problem."
I wrote an article in this blog about teen gossiping and how destructive it is..and how some teens may go over the edge because of it....but, that's only the tip of the iceberg. Teen suicide is on the rise...and why? Well, part of it is because our family unit is breaking down.
When I was a kid in the 50's, suicide was almost unheard of among teenagers. Now, this is not to say that there were not dysfunctional families back then, or that no teenager ever committed suicide. Sure, that happened. But, the difference, I believe, is that dysfunctional families or not, kids knew they were loved. Teen suicide was not so common.
Now, I can hear you saying, "I love my kids!" And I don't doubt that you do. But, here's the thing: if the way you show your kids that you love them is to buy them all kinds of crap, give them everything they want, not demanding anything from them in regards of contributing to the family by helping with chores, ignoring them when they are on the Internet because you are tired after working too many hours so that you can buy them more things, (and they are quiet while they are trolling the Net so therefore not bothering you)...then you ARE failing as a parent and your child may well be at risk for a whole lot of things...including taking their own lives.
Parents, you are too willing to hide your heads in the sand and convince yourselves that your kids will be just fine while you are chasing big money, a bigger house, a fancier car and more expensive electronic stuff to impress the neighbors and your so-called friends....at what expense? I'll tell you that it's at the expense of your children's security and well-being!
What do you think is going through the minds of your kids while you are off chasing this useless nonsense? Do you really think they appreciate all that stuff?
(I'm not talking about you single moms who HAVE to work just to keep a roof over the heads of you and your kids...I'm referring to those parents who have a choice and work only to have luxuries.)
I've talked to many teenagers in this position and these are the things I'd hear most often:
I wish Mom and Dad were home more.
I wish they'd listen to me more.
I wish they'd quit fighting.
I wish they weren't so tired all the time.
I wish we'd go more places as a family.
I'd be happy with a smaller place if it meant that my folks would be home more."
These kids want TIME with you! They really don't care about material things. If you deny them time, then you are asking for trouble.
Think back to when you were a kid. What meant the most to you then? I'll bet it was the same things that mean the most to the kids now.
Oh, they may whine about wanting this or that, but really, they want you.
And while we are on the subject of kids, suicide and the breakdown of families, I have to mention the clothing you are providing these teen girls. What in the name of Heaven are you thinking?
With pedophiles running rampant, and kids posting their half-naked pictures on the web wearing the most ridiculous clothing, why are you parents providing that crap? I saw a nine-year-old little girl proudly wearing a pair of sweatpants the other day that had "Juicy" splashed across her skinny, underdeveloped little butt....a pedophile's dream! Yes, I know that's a brand name....so what? It sure as the devil wouldn't be something I'd allow any child I loved put on. Why do you want to draw attention to your child's backside? When did that become okay?
And what is this Madonna-like garbage these kids are wearing? I thought that fad was over, but I see it's back in "style" again. It wasn't ever appropriate for even Madonna to wear...but, at least she did it because she's an entertainer....there is no excuse for you as a parent to allow your child to run the streets looking like a hooker.
If you love your daughters, just say NO to dressing trampy...and stop buying those clothes for them! And if somehow they manage to earn their own money by babysitting or whatever, it's up to you to monitor what they buy with that money. Inappropriate clothing goes back to the store. (It also doesn't hurt if you show up at their schools unannounced occasionally just to see what they are wearing when they think you aren't going to bust them. I know one trick is to stash clothing you don't approve of at a friend's house and change before school, or hide it in a backpack to change into at school.)
It all goes back to caring enough to set down rules, teaching them the values that are really important and being strong enough to stick to those rules and values. Those are the things that will make your children feel grounded, secure and much happier and those are the things that will help them get past the "tragedies " of every day teen life. (to a teen, everything is a tragedy, you know.)
Talk to them. Every day, not just when it's convenient for you. Watch them closely and don't stick your head in the sand if you see them acting moodier than usual. Make them sit down and talk to you, too! Preferably at the dinner table every evening. Make it a rule that they be home for dinner every evening....it's so very important!
One thing I learned during my Suicide-Crisis training was that although girls (and women) talked about suicide more, boys (and men) actually committed suicide more often. This is because girls are able to talk more about personal feelings whereas boys are supposed to be too tough to talk about such things. Consequently, they have fewer outlets and keep it bottled up. It's up to you as parents to watch your children carefully for any signs.
Watch for:* Changes in mood, which means going from being depressed for any length of time to suddenly being very bubbly and happy. This is often an indicator of the relief they feel at having made the decision to end their life.
*Shutting themselves in their rooms too often and for too long a period of time.
*Withdrawing from friends.
*Giving away treasured things to friends or anyone else.
*Weight loss or gain.
*Evidence of drug use....and parents, it's been said by experts that if you suspect your child of using drugs, they probably are, so don't hide from this, either! And don't be dumb enough to believe them when they tell you they aren't. It's time to toss their rooms at that point, and never mind "trusting" them! You can make the mistake of trusting them right into an early grave.
*Wearing Goth clothes and make-up.
*Turning away from religious training.
*Expressing negative, anti-social views on life or the world.
*Expressing hopelessness.
*Change in sleep patterns.
No parent wants to think that their child is so unhappy that they no longer want to live....but, teen suicide is on the rise whether you want to think about it or not.....so lay a strong foundation from the time they are tiny that they can hold onto during rough times; give them security, your love and time instead of junk, know their friends AND the friend's parents, and stay in communication with those parents. Watch for the above mentioned signs, and take action if you see anything like them in your kids. And please, don't be afraid to ask them point blank if you see any of these signs, "Are you thinking about suicide?" Asking them this question will NOT give them the idea! What it may do is to shock them into actually admitting it and open up a dialogue which may save their life.
Don't just hope that they'll "get over it."
That can be fatal.
I don't know...it could have been just another case of too much money...too quick fame...too much availability of too many drugs and it got out of control.....who knows? Any way you look at it, it's sad. He left a small child behind, and now, if it's proven that he did commit suicide, that child will grow up thinking that his father didn't love him enough to stay here for him.....doesn't matter what people will tell him to the contrary...kids will find a way to believe that everything is their fault.
I don't know how many of you who have been visiting my site have read "My Personal Profile", but if you have, you know that I was a volunteer on a Suicide Crisis Hotline at one time. And, I want you to know that it took months of training before I was allowed to take any calls..you don't just jump up one day and decide to do this...mainly because if you say one wrong word it can make the difference between life and death. It isn't something you go into lightly and I took it very seriously.
That news report about Heath Ledger this evening got me thinking. Suicide seems to be on the rise...and it's tragic regardless of the person's age...but, to me, most heartbreaking of all, is teen suicide....a permanent solution for a temporary problem. ALL suicide falls into that category, but teens seem to be most unable to see anywhere into the future. They only see right now; right that moment. To them, the future is beyond their comprehension. They think that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. They don't get the concept of "permanant solution to a temporary problem."
I wrote an article in this blog about teen gossiping and how destructive it is..and how some teens may go over the edge because of it....but, that's only the tip of the iceberg. Teen suicide is on the rise...and why? Well, part of it is because our family unit is breaking down.
When I was a kid in the 50's, suicide was almost unheard of among teenagers. Now, this is not to say that there were not dysfunctional families back then, or that no teenager ever committed suicide. Sure, that happened. But, the difference, I believe, is that dysfunctional families or not, kids knew they were loved. Teen suicide was not so common.
Now, I can hear you saying, "I love my kids!" And I don't doubt that you do. But, here's the thing: if the way you show your kids that you love them is to buy them all kinds of crap, give them everything they want, not demanding anything from them in regards of contributing to the family by helping with chores, ignoring them when they are on the Internet because you are tired after working too many hours so that you can buy them more things, (and they are quiet while they are trolling the Net so therefore not bothering you)...then you ARE failing as a parent and your child may well be at risk for a whole lot of things...including taking their own lives.
Parents, you are too willing to hide your heads in the sand and convince yourselves that your kids will be just fine while you are chasing big money, a bigger house, a fancier car and more expensive electronic stuff to impress the neighbors and your so-called friends....at what expense? I'll tell you that it's at the expense of your children's security and well-being!
What do you think is going through the minds of your kids while you are off chasing this useless nonsense? Do you really think they appreciate all that stuff?
(I'm not talking about you single moms who HAVE to work just to keep a roof over the heads of you and your kids...I'm referring to those parents who have a choice and work only to have luxuries.)
I've talked to many teenagers in this position and these are the things I'd hear most often:
I wish Mom and Dad were home more.
I wish they'd listen to me more.
I wish they'd quit fighting.
I wish they weren't so tired all the time.
I wish we'd go more places as a family.
I'd be happy with a smaller place if it meant that my folks would be home more."
These kids want TIME with you! They really don't care about material things. If you deny them time, then you are asking for trouble.
Think back to when you were a kid. What meant the most to you then? I'll bet it was the same things that mean the most to the kids now.
Oh, they may whine about wanting this or that, but really, they want you.
And while we are on the subject of kids, suicide and the breakdown of families, I have to mention the clothing you are providing these teen girls. What in the name of Heaven are you thinking?
With pedophiles running rampant, and kids posting their half-naked pictures on the web wearing the most ridiculous clothing, why are you parents providing that crap? I saw a nine-year-old little girl proudly wearing a pair of sweatpants the other day that had "Juicy" splashed across her skinny, underdeveloped little butt....a pedophile's dream! Yes, I know that's a brand name....so what? It sure as the devil wouldn't be something I'd allow any child I loved put on. Why do you want to draw attention to your child's backside? When did that become okay?
And what is this Madonna-like garbage these kids are wearing? I thought that fad was over, but I see it's back in "style" again. It wasn't ever appropriate for even Madonna to wear...but, at least she did it because she's an entertainer....there is no excuse for you as a parent to allow your child to run the streets looking like a hooker.
If you love your daughters, just say NO to dressing trampy...and stop buying those clothes for them! And if somehow they manage to earn their own money by babysitting or whatever, it's up to you to monitor what they buy with that money. Inappropriate clothing goes back to the store. (It also doesn't hurt if you show up at their schools unannounced occasionally just to see what they are wearing when they think you aren't going to bust them. I know one trick is to stash clothing you don't approve of at a friend's house and change before school, or hide it in a backpack to change into at school.)
It all goes back to caring enough to set down rules, teaching them the values that are really important and being strong enough to stick to those rules and values. Those are the things that will make your children feel grounded, secure and much happier and those are the things that will help them get past the "tragedies " of every day teen life. (to a teen, everything is a tragedy, you know.)
Talk to them. Every day, not just when it's convenient for you. Watch them closely and don't stick your head in the sand if you see them acting moodier than usual. Make them sit down and talk to you, too! Preferably at the dinner table every evening. Make it a rule that they be home for dinner every evening....it's so very important!
One thing I learned during my Suicide-Crisis training was that although girls (and women) talked about suicide more, boys (and men) actually committed suicide more often. This is because girls are able to talk more about personal feelings whereas boys are supposed to be too tough to talk about such things. Consequently, they have fewer outlets and keep it bottled up. It's up to you as parents to watch your children carefully for any signs.
Watch for:* Changes in mood, which means going from being depressed for any length of time to suddenly being very bubbly and happy. This is often an indicator of the relief they feel at having made the decision to end their life.
*Shutting themselves in their rooms too often and for too long a period of time.
*Withdrawing from friends.
*Giving away treasured things to friends or anyone else.
*Weight loss or gain.
*Evidence of drug use....and parents, it's been said by experts that if you suspect your child of using drugs, they probably are, so don't hide from this, either! And don't be dumb enough to believe them when they tell you they aren't. It's time to toss their rooms at that point, and never mind "trusting" them! You can make the mistake of trusting them right into an early grave.
*Wearing Goth clothes and make-up.
*Turning away from religious training.
*Expressing negative, anti-social views on life or the world.
*Expressing hopelessness.
*Change in sleep patterns.
No parent wants to think that their child is so unhappy that they no longer want to live....but, teen suicide is on the rise whether you want to think about it or not.....so lay a strong foundation from the time they are tiny that they can hold onto during rough times; give them security, your love and time instead of junk, know their friends AND the friend's parents, and stay in communication with those parents. Watch for the above mentioned signs, and take action if you see anything like them in your kids. And please, don't be afraid to ask them point blank if you see any of these signs, "Are you thinking about suicide?" Asking them this question will NOT give them the idea! What it may do is to shock them into actually admitting it and open up a dialogue which may save their life.
Don't just hope that they'll "get over it."
That can be fatal.
Monday, January 21, 2008
PSSSSST....HAVE YOU HEARD....?
I am constantly amazed at how mean kids are to each other! Especially girls. Whoever said girls are sugar and spice hasn't been on the Internet lately!
Today I heard a young lady proudly announce that she has a website set up so people can gossip about and trash each other. This practice is called "slamming." Her rationalization was that it was perfectly acceptable for people to trash others, and HER site is good because it gives the person being trashed a chance to "defend themselves", as opposed to places like MySpace or Facebook where people can just trash each other and spread gossip and the victim has no chance to respond. Wow. Her mother must be real proud of her! such a public service-minded little dear.
It was bad enough when I was in school many years ago.....I know that gossipy kids have always been a part of everyone's lives....and it has always been hurtful...but these kids now have the Internet as a weapon and they take it to a whole new level. People's lives are ruined..teenagers who are walking a thin line anyway are pushed over the edge and commit suicide. The results of this bullying are terrible.
A person can be a target for being just the tiniest bit different from what is considered "the norm." What does that mean, anyway? And who decided what the norm is?
Kids are put under pressure to have the "right" clothes and shoes, live in the "right" neighborhoods, drive the "right" cars..be the "right" weight....or suffer unimaginable humiliation. How sad is that? And what does that say about parents?
Why are you teaching your children that they are worthless unless they are part of this nonsense? You buy them all those expensive designer clothes and shoes and all this electronic crap, because they guilt you into it. Why do you allow that? You should be teaching them that all that stuff is superficial and will break and wear out, but becoming a good person inside will be with them forever.
As a society, we have become a bunch of materialistic, uncaring, mean-spirited, money-grubbing, greedy, selfish and incredibly lazy parents. Children are allowed to run the house and be disrespectful, demanding and selfish, too...what do you expect with you as their example?....and they are NOT happy! In fact, I have never seen such miserable, groundless, rootless messes in my life.
Parents, where ARE you when your kids are on the Internet busily trying to destroy the lives of other kids? Why aren't you monitoring them? (Over and above this nonsense, is the danger of pedophiles getting to your kids because you aren't watching them...but that's a subject for another day.)
I know that you parents have been warned to keep the computer in the living room or some other place where you can see what they're doing, but you continue to allow the kids to keep it in their rooms where they can shut you out and do whatever they want because you want to "trust them"....(or because they're quiet and out of your way when they're tippy-tapping that keyboard.)
Boy, they have you trained, don't they!
No. You don't just blindly trust them. To do so is inviting disaster..haven't you figured that out yet? Kids lie. Plain and simple. They lie! What kid is going to admit that they're on MySpace ruining someone's reputation with gossip and lies, or that they're talking to someone they think is another kid on their web page but who in reality is some freak trying to get personal information out of them so he can get to them. And, because you aren't watching and monitoring where they've been, the freak does get that information....they are so good at that; it's what they do.
Don't give me that old tired excuse that you work all day and can't be there to keep an eye on your kids, either. I was a single parent of three and I know how hard that is....so what! More likely, you just don't want to be bothered to take the necessary steps to make sure they can't get into trouble on the net....or you don't want to hear the whining when you take those steps.. well, tough! Here's what you do: Take the keyboard and mouse with you when you go to work. They can't operate the computer without those two things, now can they? Sure, it's a lot of trouble and there will be whining...but, too bad. What I used to tell my kids whenever they'd whine about any rules I set down was: "I'll give you 60 seconds to whine and complain all you want....and then we're done."
I know that kids will find a way around your rules...they're real inventive that way..but you have to try to keep one step ahead, and care enough to be on top of things. Know their friends....know the addresses and phone numbers of those friends, too...and talk to their parents. It's your obligation and responsibility. Believe me, if your kids know you will be communicating with those parents they will be more hesitant to do stupid stuff. Make those parents your allies, and you be theirs.
Kids have way too much time on their hands that they can use to get into trouble. Why aren't you giving them chores and responsibilities and expecting those to be completed?
What they need is for you to stop operating on guilt. They need you to say "NO!!" Loudly and with conviction, and stick to it. They need rules, guidelines and expectations. They need to be a part of the family...which means that they have chores....every day, not just when you think about it. They need your time, not your money and things! Your TIME...which is priceless.
Children need to be taught from the time they are little...age two is not too young...compassion for others, empathy, kindness to animals, responsibility and what the house rules and rules of society are. They must be taught that there are consequences for bad behaviors...each and every time they disobey, not just when you feel like enforcing whatever rule they've broken.
They must have consistency. If you waffle around and one day this is the rule but the next day it isn't, kids will become confused and will be encouraged to push the boundaries constantly to see what they can get away with at any particular time. It's what kids do....ALL kids. It's their job and they're experts at it! If you think childhood isn't a war between you and them then you are way too naive. And it's a war you'd better win!
And what is this with kids being allowed to swear at their parents? It's bad enough when you allow them to talk back to you...but, swearing, too? I'll tell you this: my kids are grown and I still do not want to hear them talk like that.....and they don't; they know better. They may swear a little out of my hearing, I don't know...but, they won't to or around me. I don't like it; it's disrespectful....and I didn't when they were little and don't now talk to them like that either. You lead by example. I used to tell them that trashy language was the tool of ignorance.
(I'm not saying I'm perfect....I've been know to drop an "F-bomb" or two.....but, I don't talk to my kids that way, and I don't make it a way of life.)
Stop being afraid of your kids. You are not their friend...you can't be while they are growing up; you're all that stands between them and disaster. A friend will walk into that disaster with them..it's YOUR job to keep them out of it , no matter how "uncool" they accuse you of being. My response to my kids was: "I'm not out to win a popularity contest! I'm out to raise good, responsible adults who will contribute to society. Deal with it!"
So, parents....toughen up! Your kids will thank you later.
Today I heard a young lady proudly announce that she has a website set up so people can gossip about and trash each other. This practice is called "slamming." Her rationalization was that it was perfectly acceptable for people to trash others, and HER site is good because it gives the person being trashed a chance to "defend themselves", as opposed to places like MySpace or Facebook where people can just trash each other and spread gossip and the victim has no chance to respond. Wow. Her mother must be real proud of her! such a public service-minded little dear.
It was bad enough when I was in school many years ago.....I know that gossipy kids have always been a part of everyone's lives....and it has always been hurtful...but these kids now have the Internet as a weapon and they take it to a whole new level. People's lives are ruined..teenagers who are walking a thin line anyway are pushed over the edge and commit suicide. The results of this bullying are terrible.
A person can be a target for being just the tiniest bit different from what is considered "the norm." What does that mean, anyway? And who decided what the norm is?
Kids are put under pressure to have the "right" clothes and shoes, live in the "right" neighborhoods, drive the "right" cars..be the "right" weight....or suffer unimaginable humiliation. How sad is that? And what does that say about parents?
Why are you teaching your children that they are worthless unless they are part of this nonsense? You buy them all those expensive designer clothes and shoes and all this electronic crap, because they guilt you into it. Why do you allow that? You should be teaching them that all that stuff is superficial and will break and wear out, but becoming a good person inside will be with them forever.
As a society, we have become a bunch of materialistic, uncaring, mean-spirited, money-grubbing, greedy, selfish and incredibly lazy parents. Children are allowed to run the house and be disrespectful, demanding and selfish, too...what do you expect with you as their example?....and they are NOT happy! In fact, I have never seen such miserable, groundless, rootless messes in my life.
Parents, where ARE you when your kids are on the Internet busily trying to destroy the lives of other kids? Why aren't you monitoring them? (Over and above this nonsense, is the danger of pedophiles getting to your kids because you aren't watching them...but that's a subject for another day.)
I know that you parents have been warned to keep the computer in the living room or some other place where you can see what they're doing, but you continue to allow the kids to keep it in their rooms where they can shut you out and do whatever they want because you want to "trust them"....(or because they're quiet and out of your way when they're tippy-tapping that keyboard.)
Boy, they have you trained, don't they!
No. You don't just blindly trust them. To do so is inviting disaster..haven't you figured that out yet? Kids lie. Plain and simple. They lie! What kid is going to admit that they're on MySpace ruining someone's reputation with gossip and lies, or that they're talking to someone they think is another kid on their web page but who in reality is some freak trying to get personal information out of them so he can get to them. And, because you aren't watching and monitoring where they've been, the freak does get that information....they are so good at that; it's what they do.
Don't give me that old tired excuse that you work all day and can't be there to keep an eye on your kids, either. I was a single parent of three and I know how hard that is....so what! More likely, you just don't want to be bothered to take the necessary steps to make sure they can't get into trouble on the net....or you don't want to hear the whining when you take those steps.. well, tough! Here's what you do: Take the keyboard and mouse with you when you go to work. They can't operate the computer without those two things, now can they? Sure, it's a lot of trouble and there will be whining...but, too bad. What I used to tell my kids whenever they'd whine about any rules I set down was: "I'll give you 60 seconds to whine and complain all you want....and then we're done."
I know that kids will find a way around your rules...they're real inventive that way..but you have to try to keep one step ahead, and care enough to be on top of things. Know their friends....know the addresses and phone numbers of those friends, too...and talk to their parents. It's your obligation and responsibility. Believe me, if your kids know you will be communicating with those parents they will be more hesitant to do stupid stuff. Make those parents your allies, and you be theirs.
Kids have way too much time on their hands that they can use to get into trouble. Why aren't you giving them chores and responsibilities and expecting those to be completed?
What they need is for you to stop operating on guilt. They need you to say "NO!!" Loudly and with conviction, and stick to it. They need rules, guidelines and expectations. They need to be a part of the family...which means that they have chores....every day, not just when you think about it. They need your time, not your money and things! Your TIME...which is priceless.
Children need to be taught from the time they are little...age two is not too young...compassion for others, empathy, kindness to animals, responsibility and what the house rules and rules of society are. They must be taught that there are consequences for bad behaviors...each and every time they disobey, not just when you feel like enforcing whatever rule they've broken.
They must have consistency. If you waffle around and one day this is the rule but the next day it isn't, kids will become confused and will be encouraged to push the boundaries constantly to see what they can get away with at any particular time. It's what kids do....ALL kids. It's their job and they're experts at it! If you think childhood isn't a war between you and them then you are way too naive. And it's a war you'd better win!
And what is this with kids being allowed to swear at their parents? It's bad enough when you allow them to talk back to you...but, swearing, too? I'll tell you this: my kids are grown and I still do not want to hear them talk like that.....and they don't; they know better. They may swear a little out of my hearing, I don't know...but, they won't to or around me. I don't like it; it's disrespectful....and I didn't when they were little and don't now talk to them like that either. You lead by example. I used to tell them that trashy language was the tool of ignorance.
(I'm not saying I'm perfect....I've been know to drop an "F-bomb" or two.....but, I don't talk to my kids that way, and I don't make it a way of life.)
Stop being afraid of your kids. You are not their friend...you can't be while they are growing up; you're all that stands between them and disaster. A friend will walk into that disaster with them..it's YOUR job to keep them out of it , no matter how "uncool" they accuse you of being. My response to my kids was: "I'm not out to win a popularity contest! I'm out to raise good, responsible adults who will contribute to society. Deal with it!"
So, parents....toughen up! Your kids will thank you later.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
A WALK IN THE PAST.....
I think I was so fortunate to be born when I was....1943. I got to experience, in my opinion, the best decades at just the right times in my life: the innocence of the 40's and 50's, the excitement and the major changes of the 60's and 70's. (The 80's and on I'm not crazy about because I think from then on it all went downhill.)
I don't recall too much of the 40's myself, but I love movies from that era...Turner Classic Movies is one of my favorite channels; I love the clothing...it's so classy and elegant, and in every movie the female lead changes her gorgeous dresses and gowns several times. They always managed to be sexy without being crass. Less was definitely more...and in the love scenes they left something to the imagination, which is so much more exciting than the movies now which shove it all right in your face.
The 50's were wonderful! I lived in the Midwest then and am so very grateful that I did. I grew up, I feel, in the best place at the best time, when you were safe, and you could trust your neighbor, and you didn't have to stay in your house as a child because you didn't have to be afraid of everything and everyone. On Halloween, for example, we trick-or-treated from 5:00 until 10:00 and filled pillow cases with candy. There were no apples with razor blades; we didn't have to worry about poisoned candy or crazy people driving around trying to abduct us.
TV was a new thing in the 50's. We didn't get one until, I believe, I was ten or eleven...so, that would have been in 1953 or 1954. We had only three channels and they were in black and white. "Howdy Doody" was one of the programs I remember best. (Before we got the TV, I remember my dad, sister and I gathering around the radio and listening to such fun programs.....remember "What evil lurks in the hearts of men....the Shadow knows"?....I think that was Mystery Theatre, but I'm not sure.)
We did not sit in front of the TV all day long every day. (I feel sorry for kids who sit there all day playing video games and watching mindless, brain-rotting crap. They are living in a virtual reality world instead of experiencing real life. How sad!) We were too busy playing outside; breathing fresh air, feeling the sun on our faces, or dancing around in the rain. We were building forts in the woods at the end of our street...those woods went on forever; a child's paradise! We caught little garden snakes and brought them home to keep for a day or so before we let them go back out into the woods. We gathered clay from the banks of the stream that meandered through those woods and made little gifts for our parents. We learned about trees and rocks and woodland animals from experiencing them first hand. We caught lightening bugs in jars on Summer nights and put them in our rooms to watch as we fell asleep. (Poor things...we'd put grass in the jar to "feed" them, sprinkled drops of water on the grass, and punched holes in the tops of the jars for air..and didn't understand why they were not alive in the morning.)
In the Winter we would explore the wonderland of the woods where we'd find rabbit dens and follow animal footprints that we were convinced were bear prints. (They weren't.) And we'd run our sleds up and down our dead end street for countless hours. We had so much snow where I lived that I could literally go out on my parents' balcony that was on the second floor off their bedroom and jump into snowdrifts! (Gave my mother some frightening moments as she saw me fly by the livingroom window! Ha!)
We were out of the house playing from the time we got home from school until dinner time, and from morning until dinner time on weekends. The rule in our home, and most of the homes I knew, was you'd better be home for dinner because that was family time where we all sat down together at the table. It was non-negotiable; you'd BETTER be home by then! (I'm convinced that a lot of our kids' problems now stem from the disconnection of the family because everyone eats at different times in front of the TV..or in the car....instead of around a table where you can catch up with what's going on in the family each evening.)
Then, after dark, by the light of the streetlights, we played "kick the can" and hide and seek until it was time to come in, get bathed, into our pajamas and maybe watch a program or two on TV, and then get to bed. We had a regular bedtime...and that was non-negotiable, too. None of this bouncing off walls at all hours of the night until the kids FEEL like going to bed, or falling asleep wherever they land when they finally become exhausted.
We went to school each day feeling rested and with a good breakfast (and a shot of cod liver oil) in our bellies so that we were able to learn properly. No junk food.
I loved walking home from school. There were fields along the way home that contained the most wonderful blackberry and raspberry bushes that were full of fruit in early June just before we got out of school for the Summer. You don't see too many fields now...they are all built up with ugly housing tracts; houses with no character, no imagination and that all look the same.
There was also this old lady who lived on the route we took home and we kids used to stop in and visit with her at least twice a week. (We didn't want to be pests and go every day, but we would have liked to!) She was very heavy...kind and comfortable feeling, and her house always smelled like cookies. She always seemed glad to see us, and we loved her. On nice days we'd sit with her out on her screened-in front porch on comfortable padded chairs, drink Kool-aid, and watch the world go by. She had African Violets all over the house that she took great pride in showing us, and we were fascinated by how she could propagate them and make them multiply. She would often give us little cuttings that she had put into pots....they looked beautiful when she gave them to us, but, unfortunately, mine always met with an untimely death...I just didn't have her green thumb back then....but, I was only 9. She never asked me where the plants were that she gave me...she probably knew they didn't survive...but still, she gave me more. I still love African Violets, and I think of her whenever I see them.
I loved my childhood.
Then, in December of 1955, when I was twelve my parents dragged me kicking and screaming to Southern California and I hated it on sight. I'm not sure why they made the decision to leave our home to move there, but I never did get used to it and as soon as I could I came back to the Midwest.
It wasn't all bad, though; I did have some fun times while I lived there.
One of my favorite movies is "American Graffiti" because that was exactly how it was. I was a teenager in Southern California and we spent countless hours cruising the main drag of town, stopping in at A & W Root Beer stands where the carhops really were on skates. We hung out at the very FIRST McDonald's when you couldn't go inside; it was just a walk-up hamburger stand. How's that for history! We never thought they would be so big in the future; it was just a tiny stand then.
During the late 60's and 70's, we marched in the streets against the Viet Nam war....I never understood why some of the protesters were so cruel to the soldiers; calling them names like "baby killers" and "murderers"....those soldiers did not want to be there, either! Most were drafted and were there because they had to be. Many headed for Canada to avoid fighting a stupid, political war that never should have happened in the first place. (I may not have agreed with that choice, but I understood it.) When my friends and I marched in the streets in protest, we weren't mad at the soldiers; we just hated the senseless war and wanted those soldiers home.
And Flower Power was fun! We stuck those silly, flat, rounded-edged plastic flowers all over a friend's pick-up truck one beautiful, sunny Southern California afternoon. They came in Day-Glo colors of orange, red, blue, green, pink and yellow....(you can still buy them today in white to stick on the bottom of your bathtub or shower to keep you from slipping...but they aren't as much fun.)...and then we drove all over town to show off our handiwork.
After that, we danced in our driveway to the music of the Doors.
We would take huge watermelons to the beach, cut them open and eat them, and once we thought it was funny to spit the seeds all over the parking lot..We would have never dreamed of throwing paper or any other trash around; we had too much respect for the land..but we didn't think watermelon seeds were litter. The beach patrol thought differently and made us clean up every seed! Served us right!
We were very much into health foods, conservation, and recycling back in the 60's and 70's, and I like to think we were the influencing generation for that mindset of people today. "Mother Earth" magazine was our "bible".
I wish this world today still had the innocence of by-gone times...polite children, caring adults, less fear....but the reality is that those things are pretty much gone.
Too bad.
I don't recall too much of the 40's myself, but I love movies from that era...Turner Classic Movies is one of my favorite channels; I love the clothing...it's so classy and elegant, and in every movie the female lead changes her gorgeous dresses and gowns several times. They always managed to be sexy without being crass. Less was definitely more...and in the love scenes they left something to the imagination, which is so much more exciting than the movies now which shove it all right in your face.
The 50's were wonderful! I lived in the Midwest then and am so very grateful that I did. I grew up, I feel, in the best place at the best time, when you were safe, and you could trust your neighbor, and you didn't have to stay in your house as a child because you didn't have to be afraid of everything and everyone. On Halloween, for example, we trick-or-treated from 5:00 until 10:00 and filled pillow cases with candy. There were no apples with razor blades; we didn't have to worry about poisoned candy or crazy people driving around trying to abduct us.
TV was a new thing in the 50's. We didn't get one until, I believe, I was ten or eleven...so, that would have been in 1953 or 1954. We had only three channels and they were in black and white. "Howdy Doody" was one of the programs I remember best. (Before we got the TV, I remember my dad, sister and I gathering around the radio and listening to such fun programs.....remember "What evil lurks in the hearts of men....the Shadow knows"?....I think that was Mystery Theatre, but I'm not sure.)
We did not sit in front of the TV all day long every day. (I feel sorry for kids who sit there all day playing video games and watching mindless, brain-rotting crap. They are living in a virtual reality world instead of experiencing real life. How sad!) We were too busy playing outside; breathing fresh air, feeling the sun on our faces, or dancing around in the rain. We were building forts in the woods at the end of our street...those woods went on forever; a child's paradise! We caught little garden snakes and brought them home to keep for a day or so before we let them go back out into the woods. We gathered clay from the banks of the stream that meandered through those woods and made little gifts for our parents. We learned about trees and rocks and woodland animals from experiencing them first hand. We caught lightening bugs in jars on Summer nights and put them in our rooms to watch as we fell asleep. (Poor things...we'd put grass in the jar to "feed" them, sprinkled drops of water on the grass, and punched holes in the tops of the jars for air..and didn't understand why they were not alive in the morning.)
In the Winter we would explore the wonderland of the woods where we'd find rabbit dens and follow animal footprints that we were convinced were bear prints. (They weren't.) And we'd run our sleds up and down our dead end street for countless hours. We had so much snow where I lived that I could literally go out on my parents' balcony that was on the second floor off their bedroom and jump into snowdrifts! (Gave my mother some frightening moments as she saw me fly by the livingroom window! Ha!)
We were out of the house playing from the time we got home from school until dinner time, and from morning until dinner time on weekends. The rule in our home, and most of the homes I knew, was you'd better be home for dinner because that was family time where we all sat down together at the table. It was non-negotiable; you'd BETTER be home by then! (I'm convinced that a lot of our kids' problems now stem from the disconnection of the family because everyone eats at different times in front of the TV..or in the car....instead of around a table where you can catch up with what's going on in the family each evening.)
Then, after dark, by the light of the streetlights, we played "kick the can" and hide and seek until it was time to come in, get bathed, into our pajamas and maybe watch a program or two on TV, and then get to bed. We had a regular bedtime...and that was non-negotiable, too. None of this bouncing off walls at all hours of the night until the kids FEEL like going to bed, or falling asleep wherever they land when they finally become exhausted.
We went to school each day feeling rested and with a good breakfast (and a shot of cod liver oil) in our bellies so that we were able to learn properly. No junk food.
I loved walking home from school. There were fields along the way home that contained the most wonderful blackberry and raspberry bushes that were full of fruit in early June just before we got out of school for the Summer. You don't see too many fields now...they are all built up with ugly housing tracts; houses with no character, no imagination and that all look the same.
There was also this old lady who lived on the route we took home and we kids used to stop in and visit with her at least twice a week. (We didn't want to be pests and go every day, but we would have liked to!) She was very heavy...kind and comfortable feeling, and her house always smelled like cookies. She always seemed glad to see us, and we loved her. On nice days we'd sit with her out on her screened-in front porch on comfortable padded chairs, drink Kool-aid, and watch the world go by. She had African Violets all over the house that she took great pride in showing us, and we were fascinated by how she could propagate them and make them multiply. She would often give us little cuttings that she had put into pots....they looked beautiful when she gave them to us, but, unfortunately, mine always met with an untimely death...I just didn't have her green thumb back then....but, I was only 9. She never asked me where the plants were that she gave me...she probably knew they didn't survive...but still, she gave me more. I still love African Violets, and I think of her whenever I see them.
I loved my childhood.
Then, in December of 1955, when I was twelve my parents dragged me kicking and screaming to Southern California and I hated it on sight. I'm not sure why they made the decision to leave our home to move there, but I never did get used to it and as soon as I could I came back to the Midwest.
It wasn't all bad, though; I did have some fun times while I lived there.
One of my favorite movies is "American Graffiti" because that was exactly how it was. I was a teenager in Southern California and we spent countless hours cruising the main drag of town, stopping in at A & W Root Beer stands where the carhops really were on skates. We hung out at the very FIRST McDonald's when you couldn't go inside; it was just a walk-up hamburger stand. How's that for history! We never thought they would be so big in the future; it was just a tiny stand then.
During the late 60's and 70's, we marched in the streets against the Viet Nam war....I never understood why some of the protesters were so cruel to the soldiers; calling them names like "baby killers" and "murderers"....those soldiers did not want to be there, either! Most were drafted and were there because they had to be. Many headed for Canada to avoid fighting a stupid, political war that never should have happened in the first place. (I may not have agreed with that choice, but I understood it.) When my friends and I marched in the streets in protest, we weren't mad at the soldiers; we just hated the senseless war and wanted those soldiers home.
And Flower Power was fun! We stuck those silly, flat, rounded-edged plastic flowers all over a friend's pick-up truck one beautiful, sunny Southern California afternoon. They came in Day-Glo colors of orange, red, blue, green, pink and yellow....(you can still buy them today in white to stick on the bottom of your bathtub or shower to keep you from slipping...but they aren't as much fun.)...and then we drove all over town to show off our handiwork.
After that, we danced in our driveway to the music of the Doors.
We would take huge watermelons to the beach, cut them open and eat them, and once we thought it was funny to spit the seeds all over the parking lot..We would have never dreamed of throwing paper or any other trash around; we had too much respect for the land..but we didn't think watermelon seeds were litter. The beach patrol thought differently and made us clean up every seed! Served us right!
We were very much into health foods, conservation, and recycling back in the 60's and 70's, and I like to think we were the influencing generation for that mindset of people today. "Mother Earth" magazine was our "bible".
I wish this world today still had the innocence of by-gone times...polite children, caring adults, less fear....but the reality is that those things are pretty much gone.
Too bad.
Friday, January 18, 2008
BABY? THINK IT OVER!
I am so puzzled!
Out of boredom sometimes, I watch the Maury Povich Show. I like Maury, but his shows are always about paternity tests and feature these women who range in age from 15 to 18 years old; a few early 20's (so you are the ones I'm talking to now,) and have had multiple partners, but are "ten THOUSAND percent sure" that this or that man that they've dragged up there is the father, and, of course the guy..or guys..deny it and call the woman everything but a child of God. (If she is all those things the guy is calling her, what does that say about him?...after all, he was dumb enough to sleep with her!)
Then, when the paternity test shows he's not the father, he jumps for joy while the girl races from the stage crying and screaming and falling on the floor "in total shock"! I saw one show where the guy being tested was one of ten.....TEN! And he wasn't the father either! Now, how many men can you be with in the short amount of time during the month when you can conceive a child?
Even worse, some of these girls, at maybe 17 or 18, have three (or more) kids, all by different fathers....Girls....what are you thinking? I mean, it happens once, well, okay you deal with it...but over and over? Didn't you figure out the first time what causes that?
Now, you know, I could give a rat's behind how promiscuous a person chooses to be....I mean, I think it's absolute insanity in this day and age with AIDS and other STD's...but, if you are dumb enough to go there, not my problem....unless you expect me to support your mistakes with my tax dollars. But, what so puzzles me is that with birth control options so plentiful, readily available, and free for so many women through Planned Parenthood and other clinics.......why oh why are you people having all these babies that you haven't a clue how to raise or support? You have little or no education; no job skills or experience, no clue as to where you will take this child once it's born, and absolutely nothing on any level to offer a child. You can't even take care of yourself!
And, please, don't give me that tired old garbage about "well, men should wear protection; they need to take responsibility for preventing pregnancy, too." To quote a good friend of mine: "Wake up Alice...this isn't wonderland!" Yes, of course men should wear protection because of all the diseases out there...but, if you think that alone will prevent pregnancies, you've really got your head up where the sun doesn't shine! Those things are just a tiny bit better than nothing for that purpose.
And, ladies, who do you think winds up with the big belly and the screaming infant when you are so carelessly hopping from bed to bed? It sure isn't the man. So why don't YOU take responsibility for protecting YOURSELF? Surely you aren't so stupid as to think that it won't happen to you...or, if it does, that the man (if you can figure out which of the many you've been so easy with is the father) will actually step up and claim this responsibility, are you? Just the fact alone that you've been with so many reduces you in the eyes of all of these men to just a body part for a "booty call". They sure don't want to claim you after you've cheapened yourself that way. Is that okay with you? Do you have ANY form of respect for yourself?
When did it become so accepted for young women to behave this way? No shame; no thought given to any consequences...just do what ever you want, whenever you want. And, as a result, we have babies raising babies without any guidance, and their children are then tossed out into society, rootless, groundless, and amoral because they've not been taught better...and then they become the problem of the rest of us. Personally, I deeply resent that!
Now, you may think I'm being really harsh here. And you would be right. Someone has to tell you the un-sugar-coated truth. And the truth is that the WORLD is harsh! Especially for a young, single mother. Better get used to it if that's the route you choose.
When you find yourself in that predicament, maybe you have some glamorous notion that this man you think is the father will rescue you and all of you will live happily ever after. Or, if he conveniently disappears, which is more likely, maybe you think your parents will jump in and take care of all yours and the baby's needs. Or, even sillier, you think you can "get a job" that will support you and this baby..at age 15, 16 or 17.....with no skills or education you are just going to fall into a job good enough to do that. Yeah, THAT'LL happen! Good luck!
Maybe your parents will take care of you and the baby...but, how selfish are you to expect them to? They didn't make that baby, you did. Something you had no right to do and could have easily prevented. Why should they put their lives on hold just to make yours easier? You don't deserve to have an easy life, and no one owes you anything...because you deliberately chose the low road.
Or, maybe by some miracle you do know for sure who the father is and he's willing to step up. Then what? Does he have a J.O.B.? Probably not, if he's in high school or has quit school and his main job is to hang out with his buds. But, let's dream for a minute, and imagine that he actually does have a job, and he IS willing to step up and claim this responsibility. Is the job good enough to support you all?....(I mean, REALLY support you, like enough to get a place of your own rather than depending on living with yours or his parents or other relatives.) Are you going to be able to pay rent, buy food, pay utilities, buy diapers, baby formula, baby clothes, a crib, a stroller, .....and on and on and on.....because babies' needs are endless, and all of those needs are expensive! (and I haven't even mentioned all the medical bills, both before and after. Kids get sick. A lot!) Are you and this baby's father going to be able to manage the stress of a kicking, screaming, colicky, spitting up, diaper-messing, red-faced alien at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning and nothing you do will calm this child down? All you want is a little sleep. Ha! Forget it, Sunshine! Your days of sleeping in are over!
You think babies are "just so cute" and you "want one of those", "something to love you". Yeah? You tell me that about 2 weeks after you have one. Do you think you can just take a child out of a closet somewhere, snuggle it for awhile until you're tired of it and then put it away again like a doll?
Why do you think there's so much child abuse? Too-young parents who "just wanted one of those" so bad that they couldn't wait or think ahead or use birth control because of selfishness and laziness....and then they get the rude awakening when reality hits and they can't handle the stress and flip out..and who do you think pays the price for your stupidity then? That poor, innocent baby that you just "had to have"!
Okay, then, let's say you and the baby's daddy make it living together through the first year....maybe a year and a half if we're being optimistic. Where are you most likely to be? Let me tell you: Poor, stuck in dead-end jobs, exhausted, stressed, resentful, angry, hating each other, arguing constantly, and looking towards a future of more of the same. By this time you and this child's father will most likely be splitting up; easy for him, he just goes on down the road to the next girl. (Getting child support out of him will be a challenge.) But you? You have this little toddler clinging to you; this precious, innocent little thing who only wants love and attention, but you haven't a clue how to properly provide that; crying, nose running, needing to be fed, diaper in need of changing,...and you'd give your right arm to just turn back time and be able to go out with your friends who were smart enough not to go down the dead end path you chose. They're out having fun, going places, attending college, getting good jobs, driving nice cars, dating, looking towards a good future, planning weddings and honeymoons...something you never got because you don't have any money for such luxuries. No, all your money has had to go to just surviving and supporting this child you so carelessly created. How much fun is it now?.....and all because you didn't care enough...about yourself....or any child you might create....to take a minute to choose a simple method of birth control, and use it properly...to prevent the mess you got into. These days, with all the options, there are very few legitimate excuses for an unwanted pregnancy.
As a potential parent, with all the opportunities available now, you owe any child you bring into this world the best life possible. That means you first bring yourself up to a high level educationally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. You make sure you have something to offer this child BEFORE you create it..like, oh, I don't know..a stable home, maybe? Just for kicks? You don't just sleep with anyone who is handy and then a baby just happens.
You don't have to get married or have kids at an early age these days...Give yourself the gift of time. There are so many more things to do; exciting places to experience, more ways to get a good education, start a business, learn about life...so you have something valuable to pass on to your children and you know more about how to raise them to be productive members of society. Children learn what they live.
Baby? Think it over!
Out of boredom sometimes, I watch the Maury Povich Show. I like Maury, but his shows are always about paternity tests and feature these women who range in age from 15 to 18 years old; a few early 20's (so you are the ones I'm talking to now,) and have had multiple partners, but are "ten THOUSAND percent sure" that this or that man that they've dragged up there is the father, and, of course the guy..or guys..deny it and call the woman everything but a child of God. (If she is all those things the guy is calling her, what does that say about him?...after all, he was dumb enough to sleep with her!)
Then, when the paternity test shows he's not the father, he jumps for joy while the girl races from the stage crying and screaming and falling on the floor "in total shock"! I saw one show where the guy being tested was one of ten.....TEN! And he wasn't the father either! Now, how many men can you be with in the short amount of time during the month when you can conceive a child?
Even worse, some of these girls, at maybe 17 or 18, have three (or more) kids, all by different fathers....Girls....what are you thinking? I mean, it happens once, well, okay you deal with it...but over and over? Didn't you figure out the first time what causes that?
Now, you know, I could give a rat's behind how promiscuous a person chooses to be....I mean, I think it's absolute insanity in this day and age with AIDS and other STD's...but, if you are dumb enough to go there, not my problem....unless you expect me to support your mistakes with my tax dollars. But, what so puzzles me is that with birth control options so plentiful, readily available, and free for so many women through Planned Parenthood and other clinics.......why oh why are you people having all these babies that you haven't a clue how to raise or support? You have little or no education; no job skills or experience, no clue as to where you will take this child once it's born, and absolutely nothing on any level to offer a child. You can't even take care of yourself!
And, please, don't give me that tired old garbage about "well, men should wear protection; they need to take responsibility for preventing pregnancy, too." To quote a good friend of mine: "Wake up Alice...this isn't wonderland!" Yes, of course men should wear protection because of all the diseases out there...but, if you think that alone will prevent pregnancies, you've really got your head up where the sun doesn't shine! Those things are just a tiny bit better than nothing for that purpose.
And, ladies, who do you think winds up with the big belly and the screaming infant when you are so carelessly hopping from bed to bed? It sure isn't the man. So why don't YOU take responsibility for protecting YOURSELF? Surely you aren't so stupid as to think that it won't happen to you...or, if it does, that the man (if you can figure out which of the many you've been so easy with is the father) will actually step up and claim this responsibility, are you? Just the fact alone that you've been with so many reduces you in the eyes of all of these men to just a body part for a "booty call". They sure don't want to claim you after you've cheapened yourself that way. Is that okay with you? Do you have ANY form of respect for yourself?
When did it become so accepted for young women to behave this way? No shame; no thought given to any consequences...just do what ever you want, whenever you want. And, as a result, we have babies raising babies without any guidance, and their children are then tossed out into society, rootless, groundless, and amoral because they've not been taught better...and then they become the problem of the rest of us. Personally, I deeply resent that!
Now, you may think I'm being really harsh here. And you would be right. Someone has to tell you the un-sugar-coated truth. And the truth is that the WORLD is harsh! Especially for a young, single mother. Better get used to it if that's the route you choose.
When you find yourself in that predicament, maybe you have some glamorous notion that this man you think is the father will rescue you and all of you will live happily ever after. Or, if he conveniently disappears, which is more likely, maybe you think your parents will jump in and take care of all yours and the baby's needs. Or, even sillier, you think you can "get a job" that will support you and this baby..at age 15, 16 or 17.....with no skills or education you are just going to fall into a job good enough to do that. Yeah, THAT'LL happen! Good luck!
Maybe your parents will take care of you and the baby...but, how selfish are you to expect them to? They didn't make that baby, you did. Something you had no right to do and could have easily prevented. Why should they put their lives on hold just to make yours easier? You don't deserve to have an easy life, and no one owes you anything...because you deliberately chose the low road.
Or, maybe by some miracle you do know for sure who the father is and he's willing to step up. Then what? Does he have a J.O.B.? Probably not, if he's in high school or has quit school and his main job is to hang out with his buds. But, let's dream for a minute, and imagine that he actually does have a job, and he IS willing to step up and claim this responsibility. Is the job good enough to support you all?....(I mean, REALLY support you, like enough to get a place of your own rather than depending on living with yours or his parents or other relatives.) Are you going to be able to pay rent, buy food, pay utilities, buy diapers, baby formula, baby clothes, a crib, a stroller, .....and on and on and on.....because babies' needs are endless, and all of those needs are expensive! (and I haven't even mentioned all the medical bills, both before and after. Kids get sick. A lot!) Are you and this baby's father going to be able to manage the stress of a kicking, screaming, colicky, spitting up, diaper-messing, red-faced alien at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00 in the morning and nothing you do will calm this child down? All you want is a little sleep. Ha! Forget it, Sunshine! Your days of sleeping in are over!
You think babies are "just so cute" and you "want one of those", "something to love you". Yeah? You tell me that about 2 weeks after you have one. Do you think you can just take a child out of a closet somewhere, snuggle it for awhile until you're tired of it and then put it away again like a doll?
Why do you think there's so much child abuse? Too-young parents who "just wanted one of those" so bad that they couldn't wait or think ahead or use birth control because of selfishness and laziness....and then they get the rude awakening when reality hits and they can't handle the stress and flip out..and who do you think pays the price for your stupidity then? That poor, innocent baby that you just "had to have"!
Okay, then, let's say you and the baby's daddy make it living together through the first year....maybe a year and a half if we're being optimistic. Where are you most likely to be? Let me tell you: Poor, stuck in dead-end jobs, exhausted, stressed, resentful, angry, hating each other, arguing constantly, and looking towards a future of more of the same. By this time you and this child's father will most likely be splitting up; easy for him, he just goes on down the road to the next girl. (Getting child support out of him will be a challenge.) But you? You have this little toddler clinging to you; this precious, innocent little thing who only wants love and attention, but you haven't a clue how to properly provide that; crying, nose running, needing to be fed, diaper in need of changing,...and you'd give your right arm to just turn back time and be able to go out with your friends who were smart enough not to go down the dead end path you chose. They're out having fun, going places, attending college, getting good jobs, driving nice cars, dating, looking towards a good future, planning weddings and honeymoons...something you never got because you don't have any money for such luxuries. No, all your money has had to go to just surviving and supporting this child you so carelessly created. How much fun is it now?.....and all because you didn't care enough...about yourself....or any child you might create....to take a minute to choose a simple method of birth control, and use it properly...to prevent the mess you got into. These days, with all the options, there are very few legitimate excuses for an unwanted pregnancy.
As a potential parent, with all the opportunities available now, you owe any child you bring into this world the best life possible. That means you first bring yourself up to a high level educationally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. You make sure you have something to offer this child BEFORE you create it..like, oh, I don't know..a stable home, maybe? Just for kicks? You don't just sleep with anyone who is handy and then a baby just happens.
You don't have to get married or have kids at an early age these days...Give yourself the gift of time. There are so many more things to do; exciting places to experience, more ways to get a good education, start a business, learn about life...so you have something valuable to pass on to your children and you know more about how to raise them to be productive members of society. Children learn what they live.
Baby? Think it over!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
EVEN A TURTLE........
.....has to stick its neck out in order to get anywhere!!
I want to address you ladies out there who are stuck in bad relationships, bad living situations, or whatever is causing you to tread water because you are afraid of the future. You are so afraid of "what-ifs" that you are putting yourselves into a pit that you can't seem to climb out of...and the longer you stay in it, the deeper it gets, and the more hope seems to be eluding you.
My mother, rest her soul, had a saying that used to really irritate me because it was so illogical: "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it." To me, that made NO sense! My response has always been: "If you don't like the way your bed is made, get out of it and RE-MAKE it." Doesn't that make more sense?
First of all, let me tell you: there's ALWAYS hope. No matter what your situation is. There's always hope! It's up to you to take that first step, that's all.
When you look at the big picture, you get overwhelmed with how many steps it will take to fix it... and you get scared....or maybe you really don't know what that first step is....and then you give up because it all seems too much...I know..I've been there...several times. Don't EVER give up!
I was there when I was just 16, in 1960, had a 7 month old son, and was married to an abusive guy (only 18 himself and already an alcoholic). He was in the military and we were stationed in San Antonio, TX. My family lived in California so I was totally isolated from anyone who knew or cared about my son and me. We didn't even have a phone.
I was terrified, intimidated, confused and in a state of shock....and began accepting the blame my husband put on me. I didn't know any better...I hadn't grown up in this type of situation; my father loved my mother and never laid a hand on her in anger; in fact, I don't even remember him ever raising his voice to her either....so, when my husband told me it was my fault, that I MADE him hit me, I began to believe him...although I couldn't imagine what I was doing to make him so mad.
Before I go on, let me tell you that this is typical of the abusive partner. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO, THEY WILL FIND AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE YOU! Please hear that. A good story that was told to me by a professional follows:
"An alcoholic, abusive husband tells his wife: 'if you would JUST fix my breakfast the way I want it, I wouldn't HAVE to beat you.' She asks, 'Okay, how do you want it?' He says, 'I want one egg fried and one egg scrambled.' 'Alright,' the wife answers and she fixes him the eggs per his request and hands him the plate. He looks at the plate and in a fury, throws it across the kitchen. "Damn you!' he screams at her. 'You scrambled the wrong damned egg!!' "
Now, you may laugh at this story...because it IS ludicrous...but, unfortunately, it's also exactly the way these bullies are, and makes the point that It doesn't matter what you do to try to fix things, you will still be abused, as long as YOU allow it!....but, we'll get to that later.
Okay, so, here I am, far away from any family support. I wasn't even allowed to call my parents from a pay phone because my husband was afraid I'd tell them what was going on...but, he needn't have worried because I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone, much less my parents. (Remember, I thought it was all my fault....and, my parents had done their best before I married this monster to prevent me from doing so! But I felt I couldn't admit how right my parents had been. Sound familiar?)
This abuse went on for 7 months. (Remember how young and how isolated I was.) Finally, one day after a particularly bad episode, I knew I had to get out no matter what. Somehow, I found the strength. By that time I'd made a friend so I went over to her place and used her phone to call my parents and tell them what was going on. It was hard to swallow my pride and let it all out, but when I did, it was like 10 tons of weight had been lifted off me. It took a lot of talking, though, to keep my father from getting on the next plane out and killing my husband....I didn't want DAD to go to jail! Luckily, with the help of my parents, my son and I were able to get out of there and go back to my real home.
(I realize that a lot of you don't have the option of family....and, I will also address that issue later.)
Let me make it very clear that if you are a mother, you have no right to expose your children to an abusive relationship...and abuse takes many forms: drug and alcohol abuse are included, even if physical abuse isn't taking place. Screaming at your kids is abuse, too, whether it's you or your husband/boyfriend who are screaming at them. Anything that puts your children's safety and security at risk. You have a responsibility to GET OUT!
Back then, in 1960, there weren't women's shelters and organizations to help abused women like there are now, so I didn't have those options. And the police? Ha! That was a joke, especially there in Texas where there was the "good old boy, gotta keep the little woman in line" attitude. Once, the neighbors called the police when I was getting beaten up and they came out....but they never came into the house and never saw me. My husband went outside and talked to them, and the next thing I know, I look out a window and see and hear my husband and the cops just laughing up a storm....and then the cops went away. I know that things are different now, thank God, and that they will haul off the perpetrator of spousal abuse, whether it's the woman OR the man. And that's how it should be! But...not the case then, and definitely not there.
Every time he beat me, he'd apologize, make lame excuses, cry, beg me not to leave, and promise never to do it again. I'd believe him because I wanted to believe him; I loved him...and I didn't want my marriage to fail like everyone told me it would! ....and, of course, it did happen again...over and over. Does that sound familiar, too?
I promise you, it will not get any better; it will get worse. Get out!
Anyway, I got out of that mess. So, there I was, at age 17, with a small baby to support and not a whole lot of education. Back then my job options were limited, too. I was staying with my parents, but that did not mean I had a free ride. After all, they didn't make that baby and they didn't make me choose the path I took, so why should they suffer for my stupidity? I was extremely grateful to have a roof over our heads; they didn't OWE me anything!
I got a job as a waitress.....I sucked at it. So I got a job in a donut shop....much better. It didn't pay a lot, but it paid our keep. I gave my parents almost all I made. They didn't want it, but I made them take it because I felt that was only right.
Now, that was the first time I got myself out of a mess. It wasn't the last.
When my second marriage failed after 10 years, I was living in California. Wiser now, but now with three kids instead of one, I again had to get out of a bad situation. (Not physical abuse this time because I made a vow that that would never happen again...and it never did.)
I decided to come back to my home state here in the Midwest. Looking forward, never backward, I set a goal. I sold everything I had until I had enough to buy plane tickets for my kids and myself, with $64 to spare in my pocket, and we came back to the Midwest. I did have a place to go; I'm not reckless! Not with three kids...You don't have the option to be reckless when you have children! (Please see my blog "Sex and the Single Mom" which deals with issues related to things you have to consider once you're single again.)
I had an aunt and uncle who had a large enough house where we could stay temporarily until I could get on my feet.....and the very day we arrived at that house, I handed my aunt that $64 to help with food (this was 1973 when money went a bit farther than today) and I sat down with the classified help-wanted ads and started making phone calls. By that afternoon I had an interview set up for the next day, and I got that job as an executive secretary. (Those ten years I'd been married weren't wasted...I got my GED and some business training. Word to the wise: you never know what the future will bring, so never depend solely on a man's income. If nothing else, get as much education as possible.)
Soon, we had our own place...because that was my primary goal from the day I set foot into my aunt and uncle's home. Living with them was a godsend, but not an end.
Now here's what I want to make clear: One job wasn't enough to support us....so I got another in addition to it....and when that still wasn't enough, I got another one! I worked Monday through Friday from 8 to 5 as an executive secretary. When I got off work I raced home, ate dinner with the kids, (thank God for Crock Pots) changed clothes and was at my second job as a waitress at a dinner theatre by 7:00..(you only have to serve one thing because in a dinner theatre only one choice is offered, so I could do that.) I worked until Midnight, then I dragged myself home, fell into bed and did it all again the next day. Then, on weekends, I worked part-time at McDonald's. In addition to that, there was lots of laundry to do...(we went to the laundromat; I didn't have a washer or dryer)....and kids to spend time with...they went with me to the laundromat and we made a game of it. House cleaning was done all through the week, mostly by the kids. (They were 14 1/2, 8 1/2 and 4 1/2 by then...and yes, the 4 1/2 year old had chores, too...appropriate to her age! We were a family, and all of us pitched in to keep the unit together! It was expected and it was not up for discussion!
You single Moms now need to stop allowing whining from your kids and demand more from them! It won't hurt them to help out....in fact, it makes them feel more a part of the family unit, and that's desperately needed in these lazy spoiled kids today.) Stop trying to make life too easy for your kids...you're ruining them and crippling them! Go to my first post: "Getting To Know Me First" and also, "Love vs Stuff...and Guilt", and you will see what my attitude was back then...and still is today...regarding family, and kids helping out...and rules!
I eventually dropped the weekend job at McDonald's because it just was too much time away from the kids. We then spent those weekends doing fun things together so that during the week days we all had something to look forward to. We made it work, together...as a family.
It wasn't easy...but no one is promised "easy"! You don't have the right to depend on anyone for any length of time to pick you up when you fall! It didn't occur to me to take help from others as a way of life when I fell...And I fell many times.
(And, by the way, I believe in "pay it forward" and "payback, too. I've been there to help others out when they were in need, just as I was helped.)
Then, in 1989, I had to "stick my neck out" to get somewhere once again.
By this time, my kids were grown and on their own and I wanted a change.
In 1987 my dear long-time friend (we've been friends now for 59 years!) who lives in Albuquerque, New Mexico, told me her daughter was getting married. At that time I had a photography/video business and offered to take pictures and video of the wedding. She said sure, so I jumped onto a plane and went out there. I absolutely fell in love with the place! I mean, they don't call it "The Land Of Enchantment" for nothing! It just spoke to my heart.
Still does...but, family is here so, so am I.
So, two years later, in 1989, when I decided it was necessary to shake things up, I knew NM was where I wanted to go. My then 22 year old daughter and then 3 year old grandson went with me....but, again, I had a plan. I sold everything I owned...once again. Hey, material things are nothing to me. All those things were just a means to an end....my sanity and happiness are priceless.
My friend in NM knew a woman who owned a house in Albuquerque that was for rent. My friend met with this woman, looked over the house and called me to say it was perfect for us
so I made arrangements to send two months rent and the security deposit so we'd have a place of our own to go when we arrived. It was a leap of faith because we didn't have jobs...but, we had enough money to keep us going for a little while....a very little while! But, I'd been in that situation before and I knew between my daughter and me, we could do it and be fine. And we were.
It was tough going for awhile, but we kept the faith and kept going forward.
Moving there was life changing for all of us, but especially me. It was absolutely the best thing I ever did. That's where I started the business I still have now...why? Because, once again, when one job wasn't enough, I got two. And the second job was for a residential cleaning company. It was really hard work, but I found that I loved the sense of accomplishment. If anyone had told me I would be working in this type of job...so different from anything I'd ever done before...I'd have told them they were nuts! But if you aren't willing to try new things then you are closing doors and cheating yourself out of some wonderful opportunities.
They decided I was too good to keep out in the field so they brought me into the office (remember, I had executive secretary skills) and when I found out how the business worked, I realized I could do this myself. So, I bought a Rolodex filer and put it on my desk...(I believe if you visualize something it will happen.)...that Rolodex symbolized the future clients names that would soon be in it.....I still have it. I sat down and designed a simple flier, took $50, (and money was tight, but this was an investment in my future), went to the nearest copy store and made 500 fliers, which I then delivered by hand, door to door, walking up and down neighborhood streets every day AFTER working all day, until those fliers were all gone. I did not quit the jobs I had while I was working towards something better. That would have really been stupid and irresponsible. Dreams are great and necessary, but go towards them with common sense, one step at a time.
Soon, one call came in, then two, then we were on our way. Within three years I had thirteen people working for me and I could finally breathe easier.
That was 18 years ago, and we are still in business. After six years in NM, it was time to come back here to the Midwest, for many reasons. We re-started our company as soon as we got back here, and continue it today. My daughter is co-owner and will someday take over the entire business. I do not now do the actual work out in the field anymore...I finally gave that part up just late last year and now only run the office.
I have earned a well-deserved rest!
Now....I'm sure you noticed that some of my sentences in this blog are in bold print. If you go back through this blog, and only re-read what's in bold, you will see that everything is in sequence and those sentences are a plan of action and meant to give you encouragement!
I mentioned earlier that I realized that not all of you have family you can turn to when you are in need. That's a sad reality for too many of you. The best thing is to not get into these bad situations in the first place. Listen to friends or family when they tell you not to go there...however, we do go there, don't we? Stupidly and blindly.....been there; done that...wish I hadn't.
The difference now is that you DO have MANY options that I didn't have when I was in an abusive situation. Now there are shelters. Now there are police who WILL respond to a domestic violence call and who will put the abuser in jail right then and there...and, if you are smart, you will get away while he is gone.
It's a sad fact, too, that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she makes the decision to
get out. Your abuser is furious that he is losing control of his victim and will do just about anything to keep that from happening. He isn't a real man so he can't act like one.
HAVE A PLAN! There are hotline phone numbers in every state that you can call to talk to someone who can tell you exactly what steps to take to get out safely and permanently. But, don't run to a shelter and then call the dummie who's been abusing you to tell him where you are so he can come get you, thinking you will "teach him a lesson" and that it'll be different from then on. This wastes time and resources and puts the rest of the women in that shelter in danger as well. (I used to help women like that and it got so frustrating that I had to quit.) Don't bother these shelters if you aren't serious about leaving!
Something I heard which makes a lot of sense, is to pack a suitcase with just the bare essential clothing for you and any children you have. Put as much money as you can gather together into it as well...(but, if you don't have any access to money, there are still places where you can go with no money....such as women's shelters.) Also, pack yours and your children's birth certificates and social security cards and any other legal documents you may need. Take the suitcase to a friend's house....do NOT keep it hidden at home because the jerk will find it...he'll go looking if he thinks he's losing control of you and you are thinking of leaving. Don't take this suitcase to the home of someone whose husband may be a friend of your abuser...your friend WILL tell her husband or boyfriend and he WILL tell on you. Make sure it's only YOUR friend or family member. Do not tell ANYONE you are leaving or of any plans you've made, other than this friend or family member where you have hidden the suitcase. The less people that know, the less danger there is to you and your kids.
By the way, people, if you see a friend, family member or a co-worker with a black eye or bruises, or you overhear phone conversations that are threatening to her, document everything each and every time! She will probably lie to you and say everything is fine; that she "fell" or "bumped into something", because she's scared. Don't believe her....document anyway.
I say this because I saw a show about this where the only way this woman was able to put her abuser in jail for any length of time was because a friend/co-worker documented in a log every time she saw evidence of abuse, and also testified in court.
Once you leave, get a restraining order against the monster. It won't keep him away from you, but it will give the police a way to arrest him if he violates it....and most do.
There is help out there......be honest with yourself...admit when you need help and get it!
God bless you and guide you.....
I want to address you ladies out there who are stuck in bad relationships, bad living situations, or whatever is causing you to tread water because you are afraid of the future. You are so afraid of "what-ifs" that you are putting yourselves into a pit that you can't seem to climb out of...and the longer you stay in it, the deeper it gets, and the more hope seems to be eluding you.
My mother, rest her soul, had a saying that used to really irritate me because it was so illogical: "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it." To me, that made NO sense! My response has always been: "If you don't like the way your bed is made, get out of it and RE-MAKE it." Doesn't that make more sense?
First of all, let me tell you: there's ALWAYS hope. No matter what your situation is. There's always hope! It's up to you to take that first step, that's all.
When you look at the big picture, you get overwhelmed with how many steps it will take to fix it... and you get scared....or maybe you really don't know what that first step is....and then you give up because it all seems too much...I know..I've been there...several times. Don't EVER give up!
I was there when I was just 16, in 1960, had a 7 month old son, and was married to an abusive guy (only 18 himself and already an alcoholic). He was in the military and we were stationed in San Antonio, TX. My family lived in California so I was totally isolated from anyone who knew or cared about my son and me. We didn't even have a phone.
I was terrified, intimidated, confused and in a state of shock....and began accepting the blame my husband put on me. I didn't know any better...I hadn't grown up in this type of situation; my father loved my mother and never laid a hand on her in anger; in fact, I don't even remember him ever raising his voice to her either....so, when my husband told me it was my fault, that I MADE him hit me, I began to believe him...although I couldn't imagine what I was doing to make him so mad.
Before I go on, let me tell you that this is typical of the abusive partner. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO, THEY WILL FIND AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE YOU! Please hear that. A good story that was told to me by a professional follows:
"An alcoholic, abusive husband tells his wife: 'if you would JUST fix my breakfast the way I want it, I wouldn't HAVE to beat you.' She asks, 'Okay, how do you want it?' He says, 'I want one egg fried and one egg scrambled.' 'Alright,' the wife answers and she fixes him the eggs per his request and hands him the plate. He looks at the plate and in a fury, throws it across the kitchen. "Damn you!' he screams at her. 'You scrambled the wrong damned egg!!' "
Now, you may laugh at this story...because it IS ludicrous...but, unfortunately, it's also exactly the way these bullies are, and makes the point that It doesn't matter what you do to try to fix things, you will still be abused, as long as YOU allow it!....but, we'll get to that later.
Okay, so, here I am, far away from any family support. I wasn't even allowed to call my parents from a pay phone because my husband was afraid I'd tell them what was going on...but, he needn't have worried because I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone, much less my parents. (Remember, I thought it was all my fault....and, my parents had done their best before I married this monster to prevent me from doing so! But I felt I couldn't admit how right my parents had been. Sound familiar?)
This abuse went on for 7 months. (Remember how young and how isolated I was.) Finally, one day after a particularly bad episode, I knew I had to get out no matter what. Somehow, I found the strength. By that time I'd made a friend so I went over to her place and used her phone to call my parents and tell them what was going on. It was hard to swallow my pride and let it all out, but when I did, it was like 10 tons of weight had been lifted off me. It took a lot of talking, though, to keep my father from getting on the next plane out and killing my husband....I didn't want DAD to go to jail! Luckily, with the help of my parents, my son and I were able to get out of there and go back to my real home.
(I realize that a lot of you don't have the option of family....and, I will also address that issue later.)
Let me make it very clear that if you are a mother, you have no right to expose your children to an abusive relationship...and abuse takes many forms: drug and alcohol abuse are included, even if physical abuse isn't taking place. Screaming at your kids is abuse, too, whether it's you or your husband/boyfriend who are screaming at them. Anything that puts your children's safety and security at risk. You have a responsibility to GET OUT!
Back then, in 1960, there weren't women's shelters and organizations to help abused women like there are now, so I didn't have those options. And the police? Ha! That was a joke, especially there in Texas where there was the "good old boy, gotta keep the little woman in line" attitude. Once, the neighbors called the police when I was getting beaten up and they came out....but they never came into the house and never saw me. My husband went outside and talked to them, and the next thing I know, I look out a window and see and hear my husband and the cops just laughing up a storm....and then the cops went away. I know that things are different now, thank God, and that they will haul off the perpetrator of spousal abuse, whether it's the woman OR the man. And that's how it should be! But...not the case then, and definitely not there.
Every time he beat me, he'd apologize, make lame excuses, cry, beg me not to leave, and promise never to do it again. I'd believe him because I wanted to believe him; I loved him...and I didn't want my marriage to fail like everyone told me it would! ....and, of course, it did happen again...over and over. Does that sound familiar, too?
I promise you, it will not get any better; it will get worse. Get out!
Anyway, I got out of that mess. So, there I was, at age 17, with a small baby to support and not a whole lot of education. Back then my job options were limited, too. I was staying with my parents, but that did not mean I had a free ride. After all, they didn't make that baby and they didn't make me choose the path I took, so why should they suffer for my stupidity? I was extremely grateful to have a roof over our heads; they didn't OWE me anything!
I got a job as a waitress.....I sucked at it. So I got a job in a donut shop....much better. It didn't pay a lot, but it paid our keep. I gave my parents almost all I made. They didn't want it, but I made them take it because I felt that was only right.
Now, that was the first time I got myself out of a mess. It wasn't the last.
When my second marriage failed after 10 years, I was living in California. Wiser now, but now with three kids instead of one, I again had to get out of a bad situation. (Not physical abuse this time because I made a vow that that would never happen again...and it never did.)
I decided to come back to my home state here in the Midwest. Looking forward, never backward, I set a goal. I sold everything I had until I had enough to buy plane tickets for my kids and myself, with $64 to spare in my pocket, and we came back to the Midwest. I did have a place to go; I'm not reckless! Not with three kids...You don't have the option to be reckless when you have children! (Please see my blog "Sex and the Single Mom" which deals with issues related to things you have to consider once you're single again.)
I had an aunt and uncle who had a large enough house where we could stay temporarily until I could get on my feet.....and the very day we arrived at that house, I handed my aunt that $64 to help with food (this was 1973 when money went a bit farther than today) and I sat down with the classified help-wanted ads and started making phone calls. By that afternoon I had an interview set up for the next day, and I got that job as an executive secretary. (Those ten years I'd been married weren't wasted...I got my GED and some business training. Word to the wise: you never know what the future will bring, so never depend solely on a man's income. If nothing else, get as much education as possible.)
Soon, we had our own place...because that was my primary goal from the day I set foot into my aunt and uncle's home. Living with them was a godsend, but not an end.
Now here's what I want to make clear: One job wasn't enough to support us....so I got another in addition to it....and when that still wasn't enough, I got another one! I worked Monday through Friday from 8 to 5 as an executive secretary. When I got off work I raced home, ate dinner with the kids, (thank God for Crock Pots) changed clothes and was at my second job as a waitress at a dinner theatre by 7:00..(you only have to serve one thing because in a dinner theatre only one choice is offered, so I could do that.) I worked until Midnight, then I dragged myself home, fell into bed and did it all again the next day. Then, on weekends, I worked part-time at McDonald's. In addition to that, there was lots of laundry to do...(we went to the laundromat; I didn't have a washer or dryer)....and kids to spend time with...they went with me to the laundromat and we made a game of it. House cleaning was done all through the week, mostly by the kids. (They were 14 1/2, 8 1/2 and 4 1/2 by then...and yes, the 4 1/2 year old had chores, too...appropriate to her age! We were a family, and all of us pitched in to keep the unit together! It was expected and it was not up for discussion!
You single Moms now need to stop allowing whining from your kids and demand more from them! It won't hurt them to help out....in fact, it makes them feel more a part of the family unit, and that's desperately needed in these lazy spoiled kids today.) Stop trying to make life too easy for your kids...you're ruining them and crippling them! Go to my first post: "Getting To Know Me First" and also, "Love vs Stuff...and Guilt", and you will see what my attitude was back then...and still is today...regarding family, and kids helping out...and rules!
I eventually dropped the weekend job at McDonald's because it just was too much time away from the kids. We then spent those weekends doing fun things together so that during the week days we all had something to look forward to. We made it work, together...as a family.
It wasn't easy...but no one is promised "easy"! You don't have the right to depend on anyone for any length of time to pick you up when you fall! It didn't occur to me to take help from others as a way of life when I fell...And I fell many times.
(And, by the way, I believe in "pay it forward" and "payback, too. I've been there to help others out when they were in need, just as I was helped.)
Then, in 1989, I had to "stick my neck out" to get somewhere once again.
By this time, my kids were grown and on their own and I wanted a change.
In 1987 my dear long-time friend (we've been friends now for 59 years!) who lives in Albuquerque, New Mexico, told me her daughter was getting married. At that time I had a photography/video business and offered to take pictures and video of the wedding. She said sure, so I jumped onto a plane and went out there. I absolutely fell in love with the place! I mean, they don't call it "The Land Of Enchantment" for nothing! It just spoke to my heart.
Still does...but, family is here so, so am I.
So, two years later, in 1989, when I decided it was necessary to shake things up, I knew NM was where I wanted to go. My then 22 year old daughter and then 3 year old grandson went with me....but, again, I had a plan. I sold everything I owned...once again. Hey, material things are nothing to me. All those things were just a means to an end....my sanity and happiness are priceless.
My friend in NM knew a woman who owned a house in Albuquerque that was for rent. My friend met with this woman, looked over the house and called me to say it was perfect for us
so I made arrangements to send two months rent and the security deposit so we'd have a place of our own to go when we arrived. It was a leap of faith because we didn't have jobs...but, we had enough money to keep us going for a little while....a very little while! But, I'd been in that situation before and I knew between my daughter and me, we could do it and be fine. And we were.
It was tough going for awhile, but we kept the faith and kept going forward.
Moving there was life changing for all of us, but especially me. It was absolutely the best thing I ever did. That's where I started the business I still have now...why? Because, once again, when one job wasn't enough, I got two. And the second job was for a residential cleaning company. It was really hard work, but I found that I loved the sense of accomplishment. If anyone had told me I would be working in this type of job...so different from anything I'd ever done before...I'd have told them they were nuts! But if you aren't willing to try new things then you are closing doors and cheating yourself out of some wonderful opportunities.
They decided I was too good to keep out in the field so they brought me into the office (remember, I had executive secretary skills) and when I found out how the business worked, I realized I could do this myself. So, I bought a Rolodex filer and put it on my desk...(I believe if you visualize something it will happen.)...that Rolodex symbolized the future clients names that would soon be in it.....I still have it. I sat down and designed a simple flier, took $50, (and money was tight, but this was an investment in my future), went to the nearest copy store and made 500 fliers, which I then delivered by hand, door to door, walking up and down neighborhood streets every day AFTER working all day, until those fliers were all gone. I did not quit the jobs I had while I was working towards something better. That would have really been stupid and irresponsible. Dreams are great and necessary, but go towards them with common sense, one step at a time.
Soon, one call came in, then two, then we were on our way. Within three years I had thirteen people working for me and I could finally breathe easier.
That was 18 years ago, and we are still in business. After six years in NM, it was time to come back here to the Midwest, for many reasons. We re-started our company as soon as we got back here, and continue it today. My daughter is co-owner and will someday take over the entire business. I do not now do the actual work out in the field anymore...I finally gave that part up just late last year and now only run the office.
I have earned a well-deserved rest!
Now....I'm sure you noticed that some of my sentences in this blog are in bold print. If you go back through this blog, and only re-read what's in bold, you will see that everything is in sequence and those sentences are a plan of action and meant to give you encouragement!
I mentioned earlier that I realized that not all of you have family you can turn to when you are in need. That's a sad reality for too many of you. The best thing is to not get into these bad situations in the first place. Listen to friends or family when they tell you not to go there...however, we do go there, don't we? Stupidly and blindly.....been there; done that...wish I hadn't.
The difference now is that you DO have MANY options that I didn't have when I was in an abusive situation. Now there are shelters. Now there are police who WILL respond to a domestic violence call and who will put the abuser in jail right then and there...and, if you are smart, you will get away while he is gone.
It's a sad fact, too, that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she makes the decision to
get out. Your abuser is furious that he is losing control of his victim and will do just about anything to keep that from happening. He isn't a real man so he can't act like one.
HAVE A PLAN! There are hotline phone numbers in every state that you can call to talk to someone who can tell you exactly what steps to take to get out safely and permanently. But, don't run to a shelter and then call the dummie who's been abusing you to tell him where you are so he can come get you, thinking you will "teach him a lesson" and that it'll be different from then on. This wastes time and resources and puts the rest of the women in that shelter in danger as well. (I used to help women like that and it got so frustrating that I had to quit.) Don't bother these shelters if you aren't serious about leaving!
Something I heard which makes a lot of sense, is to pack a suitcase with just the bare essential clothing for you and any children you have. Put as much money as you can gather together into it as well...(but, if you don't have any access to money, there are still places where you can go with no money....such as women's shelters.) Also, pack yours and your children's birth certificates and social security cards and any other legal documents you may need. Take the suitcase to a friend's house....do NOT keep it hidden at home because the jerk will find it...he'll go looking if he thinks he's losing control of you and you are thinking of leaving. Don't take this suitcase to the home of someone whose husband may be a friend of your abuser...your friend WILL tell her husband or boyfriend and he WILL tell on you. Make sure it's only YOUR friend or family member. Do not tell ANYONE you are leaving or of any plans you've made, other than this friend or family member where you have hidden the suitcase. The less people that know, the less danger there is to you and your kids.
By the way, people, if you see a friend, family member or a co-worker with a black eye or bruises, or you overhear phone conversations that are threatening to her, document everything each and every time! She will probably lie to you and say everything is fine; that she "fell" or "bumped into something", because she's scared. Don't believe her....document anyway.
I say this because I saw a show about this where the only way this woman was able to put her abuser in jail for any length of time was because a friend/co-worker documented in a log every time she saw evidence of abuse, and also testified in court.
Once you leave, get a restraining order against the monster. It won't keep him away from you, but it will give the police a way to arrest him if he violates it....and most do.
There is help out there......be honest with yourself...admit when you need help and get it!
God bless you and guide you.....
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
GOT BRAINS?
I love the Dr. Phil Show! This is a man after my own no-nonsense heart, and one of the few talk shows that actually offers common sense.
Today, I saw a program about teenage girls posting drunken photos of themselves on Facebook. Yes, I said "teenage girls"...as in not of legal age to drink at all, much less get ****faced and pass out hugging the porcelain god, puking, lying all over public bathroom floors (yuck!!), lying in hotel room hallways passed out while "friends" write all over their partially clad bodies with Sharpie pens....things like "**** me"..and then take photos which, with the girl's approval are then posted on their Facebook pages. Real nice.
One young girl who is only 17 stated that she was not ashamed of anything she's done....well, that's sad, isn't it? Worst of all, her mother was sitting in the audience and when Dr. Phil asked her what she thought of her daughter getting drunk "every weekend" (don't forget, the kid is only 17!)and posting these pictures on Facebook, her response was that her daughter has ADD and is a "risk-taker" and other such psychobabble. The mother had a stupid smile on her face, like it was all just fine.....like "isn't she cute". The girl sat right up there on the stage and told everyone that she's been drinking since she was 14! And then, her defense of her behavior was that she thought girls ought to have the same "rights" as guys....."guys can post these types of pictures on the Internet, so why shouldn't girls?" uh....what?
Dr. Phil tried to make her understand that putting it all out there on the web for everyone to see will affect her future in so many ways...like someday when she hopefully grows up and she goes to apply for a corporate job and her prospective employer goes to Facebook or YouTube or MySpace and finds these pictures and won't hire her because of them. She couldn't understand why that would matter to an employer. There was a man in the audience from a large corporation who explained to her that employers do background checks on people which include looking them up on these websites.(Her childish response was that if an employer wouldn't hire her because of that, then she wouldn't want to work for them anyway. Tell me that again when you grow up and really WANT a particular job and are turned down because of your stupidity.)
As an owner of a business, I can tell you that I do background checks and check out these websites, too. I have the right and the obligation to find out all I can about someone who will be working for me because these people will be in our client's homes with the client's personal property and maybe their children.
The girl's attitude was that it shouldn't matter what she does in her private life as long as she does her job. She didn't get the fact that if you are getting drunk at age 17 and posting pictures of yourself doing stupid things, an employer will see you as immoral, stupid, lacking in common sense and judgement, and unreliable. What employer wants someone like that representing their company? I sure don't!
But, most disturbing to me was the blase attitude of this girl's mother! This child obviously has a serious problem with alcohol; hello....she's been drinking since she was 14 years old. She's putting herself at risk every time she gets drunk and passes out somewhere. Risk of rape, STDs, alcohol poisoning, abduction, being drugged, and death, just to name a few. Where in the name of God are this mother's brains? What is she thinking? Why isn't she cracking down hard on this kid instead of ignoring the problem? Is it just too much trouble to pounce on her daughter and get her straightened out, no matter what it takes? Her first response to these pictures should have been to yank the computer away from the kid! She would have to earn it back and then would only be able to use it with supervision. She would not have a cell phone or phone privileges of any kind and she would be on house confinement for a very long time! And she definitely would not be allowed to associate with her so-called friends with whom she shares this behavior. The alcohol problem would have to seriously be addressed and if the kid needs to go into a treatment facility, then that's what must be done.
And who, by the way, is buying the alchohol for this girl and her friends every weekend so they can get drunk? If I were that mother, I'd be finding out the answer to that question and prosecuting whoever it is immediately.
See, this is what I mean when I say parents have no common sense anymore.
Personally, I believe that it is a form of child abuse to allow your child to behave like this young woman without any form of consequences and no attempt to stop her from doing permanant damage to herself. She's too young to realize the long-term effects of her behavior...and, it is a fact that a person's emotional development is arrested at the age at which they become an addict....so, this girl is functioning at a 14 year old age level. How much judgement do you have at that age?
It saddens me to see the garbage posted on Facebook, MySpace and YouTube....these kids think all this is funny and cool now, but they will pay dearly later...and the parents are just looking on as if they have no options.
Wake up, parents, and grow a brain...and some courage to control your kids, for godsakes! Their future depends on you.
Today, I saw a program about teenage girls posting drunken photos of themselves on Facebook. Yes, I said "teenage girls"...as in not of legal age to drink at all, much less get ****faced and pass out hugging the porcelain god, puking, lying all over public bathroom floors (yuck!!), lying in hotel room hallways passed out while "friends" write all over their partially clad bodies with Sharpie pens....things like "**** me"..and then take photos which, with the girl's approval are then posted on their Facebook pages. Real nice.
One young girl who is only 17 stated that she was not ashamed of anything she's done....well, that's sad, isn't it? Worst of all, her mother was sitting in the audience and when Dr. Phil asked her what she thought of her daughter getting drunk "every weekend" (don't forget, the kid is only 17!)and posting these pictures on Facebook, her response was that her daughter has ADD and is a "risk-taker" and other such psychobabble. The mother had a stupid smile on her face, like it was all just fine.....like "isn't she cute". The girl sat right up there on the stage and told everyone that she's been drinking since she was 14! And then, her defense of her behavior was that she thought girls ought to have the same "rights" as guys....."guys can post these types of pictures on the Internet, so why shouldn't girls?" uh....what?
Dr. Phil tried to make her understand that putting it all out there on the web for everyone to see will affect her future in so many ways...like someday when she hopefully grows up and she goes to apply for a corporate job and her prospective employer goes to Facebook or YouTube or MySpace and finds these pictures and won't hire her because of them. She couldn't understand why that would matter to an employer. There was a man in the audience from a large corporation who explained to her that employers do background checks on people which include looking them up on these websites.(Her childish response was that if an employer wouldn't hire her because of that, then she wouldn't want to work for them anyway. Tell me that again when you grow up and really WANT a particular job and are turned down because of your stupidity.)
As an owner of a business, I can tell you that I do background checks and check out these websites, too. I have the right and the obligation to find out all I can about someone who will be working for me because these people will be in our client's homes with the client's personal property and maybe their children.
The girl's attitude was that it shouldn't matter what she does in her private life as long as she does her job. She didn't get the fact that if you are getting drunk at age 17 and posting pictures of yourself doing stupid things, an employer will see you as immoral, stupid, lacking in common sense and judgement, and unreliable. What employer wants someone like that representing their company? I sure don't!
But, most disturbing to me was the blase attitude of this girl's mother! This child obviously has a serious problem with alcohol; hello....she's been drinking since she was 14 years old. She's putting herself at risk every time she gets drunk and passes out somewhere. Risk of rape, STDs, alcohol poisoning, abduction, being drugged, and death, just to name a few. Where in the name of God are this mother's brains? What is she thinking? Why isn't she cracking down hard on this kid instead of ignoring the problem? Is it just too much trouble to pounce on her daughter and get her straightened out, no matter what it takes? Her first response to these pictures should have been to yank the computer away from the kid! She would have to earn it back and then would only be able to use it with supervision. She would not have a cell phone or phone privileges of any kind and she would be on house confinement for a very long time! And she definitely would not be allowed to associate with her so-called friends with whom she shares this behavior. The alcohol problem would have to seriously be addressed and if the kid needs to go into a treatment facility, then that's what must be done.
And who, by the way, is buying the alchohol for this girl and her friends every weekend so they can get drunk? If I were that mother, I'd be finding out the answer to that question and prosecuting whoever it is immediately.
See, this is what I mean when I say parents have no common sense anymore.
Personally, I believe that it is a form of child abuse to allow your child to behave like this young woman without any form of consequences and no attempt to stop her from doing permanant damage to herself. She's too young to realize the long-term effects of her behavior...and, it is a fact that a person's emotional development is arrested at the age at which they become an addict....so, this girl is functioning at a 14 year old age level. How much judgement do you have at that age?
It saddens me to see the garbage posted on Facebook, MySpace and YouTube....these kids think all this is funny and cool now, but they will pay dearly later...and the parents are just looking on as if they have no options.
Wake up, parents, and grow a brain...and some courage to control your kids, for godsakes! Their future depends on you.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
AD-NAUSEA
I don't know about you, but I am so tired of stupid, intelligence-insulting ads that I could scream! Thank God for the mute button!
It's very annoying to be watching a really good program and be interrupted about every three minutes to suffer through four to six minutes of loud, rude, ridiculous commercials....I have timed them just out of curiosity. In defense, I have even tried channel surfing, watching two programs at a time in hopes that while one is insulting my intelligence with ads, maybe the other is actually showing the program....but, the powers that be have caught on and most of the time not only are they are both running commercials at the same times, but they are the same commercials.
Occasionally, you run across a really funny commercial that you actually want to see, just because it's so well-done and shows some imagination....but, unfortunately, these are rare. (I would love to be in the room when the people who think up these good ones are brainstorming. They've got to be a fun group!)
I think the commercials that get on my nerves the most are the ones with cutesy annoying kids who are trying to sell adult products....like cars or insurance. What in the devil do kids know..or care...about either of those things? Usually they are the car dealer's kids and I guess I'm supposed to run out and buy a car from that dealer because his kids are so "cute." (I haven't figured out the thinking yet behind the kids trying to sell insurance.)
I don't dislike kids.....I just don't like them trying to sell me anything they neither know nor care about. Show me, in real life, a 6 or 7 year old who gives a rat's behind about how many miles a car gets to a gallon of gas, or how fast it goes, or what model it is.....or anything other than the fact that it has four wheels and goes forward so that it will get them to wherever they want to go at any particular time...and I will show you a kid who needs some serious therapy and some children's activities to keep him busy.
And on the subject of kids....don't you just love the ads showing greedy, grasping pre-teens and teens pressuring parents for expensive electronics and the parents indulging their little darlings...the message being, if you, as a parent, don't give them this crap so they can keep up with their friends then you just aren't a good parent and shouldn't be able to hold up your head.
Oh, and there's the commercials showing people slapping each other upside the head because they didn't eat vegetables....I thought that was called assault.
Yeah, I know...it's supposed to be funny and where is my sense of humor? Blah blah! When this commercial first came out, it showed a man slapping a woman...I was horrified! Like there isn't enough abuse against women. Evidently I'm not the only one who found it offensive because I notice that that particular one isn't shown anymore. But, still, I find the whole concept of this commercial truly obnoxious. Isn't there enough violence and rudeness in the world?...do we have to see it encouraged in commercials, too?
And then, there are the commercials where, with the kids looking on with smiles on their faces, the wife treats the husband as if he is the dumbest creature ever to draw breath on this planet, and they all laugh about it, as if disrespecting Dad is just part of life. And Dad just laughs along...."Oh, dopey me".
With the divorce rate at 60% and kids showing absolutely no respect for their parents, is this type of commercial really a good idea?
Another one of my favorite type of ad is for food....most often pizza...where people are shown acting like hogs who were never taught any kind of manners at all, and who want the biggest, most fattening, heart-killing garbage they can get so they can stuff their faces until they puke. Yummy! (And then, right after those ads are the weight loss commercials! Makes you wonder if they are in kahoots: "you make them fat and I'll tell them how to lose it and we'll all get rich.")
Speaking of weight loss: how many of us are stupid enough to believe the ads where they show the "before" and "after" shots of the model side by side in the EXACT same pose? (Oh yeah, you took her picture before she lost all that weight using your product and then you took the after shot and you were able to get her in that identical position with the identical expression on her face.**Can you say computer manipulation?**) I love the one where the model is shown walking along a beach in a bikini, "before" and "after"...again, a side by side video shot with everything exactly identical. Yessir, boy, who wouldn't believe that?...they wouldn't lie to us.
One particular company here in my city is for a furniture warehouse. Oh my God! The announcer's voice is so extremely irritating as he literally screams at you (and screams in words so fast you can barely understand what he's saying) that my face involuntarily scrunches up in pain, I get an immediate reaction of anger and I press the mute button instantly...so the owners of the furniture warehouse are defeating their purpose. This man's voice could shatter glass. It's higher than a man's voice should be, WAY too loud, and what I can only describe as "thick". Ugh!
I could go on forever about these stupid commercials...but, I won't insult your intelligence...you get the idea.
The sad part is that, unfortunately, these ads must be working or they wouldn't be so common. And what does that say about us?
It's very annoying to be watching a really good program and be interrupted about every three minutes to suffer through four to six minutes of loud, rude, ridiculous commercials....I have timed them just out of curiosity. In defense, I have even tried channel surfing, watching two programs at a time in hopes that while one is insulting my intelligence with ads, maybe the other is actually showing the program....but, the powers that be have caught on and most of the time not only are they are both running commercials at the same times, but they are the same commercials.
Occasionally, you run across a really funny commercial that you actually want to see, just because it's so well-done and shows some imagination....but, unfortunately, these are rare. (I would love to be in the room when the people who think up these good ones are brainstorming. They've got to be a fun group!)
I think the commercials that get on my nerves the most are the ones with cutesy annoying kids who are trying to sell adult products....like cars or insurance. What in the devil do kids know..or care...about either of those things? Usually they are the car dealer's kids and I guess I'm supposed to run out and buy a car from that dealer because his kids are so "cute." (I haven't figured out the thinking yet behind the kids trying to sell insurance.)
I don't dislike kids.....I just don't like them trying to sell me anything they neither know nor care about. Show me, in real life, a 6 or 7 year old who gives a rat's behind about how many miles a car gets to a gallon of gas, or how fast it goes, or what model it is.....or anything other than the fact that it has four wheels and goes forward so that it will get them to wherever they want to go at any particular time...and I will show you a kid who needs some serious therapy and some children's activities to keep him busy.
And on the subject of kids....don't you just love the ads showing greedy, grasping pre-teens and teens pressuring parents for expensive electronics and the parents indulging their little darlings...the message being, if you, as a parent, don't give them this crap so they can keep up with their friends then you just aren't a good parent and shouldn't be able to hold up your head.
Oh, and there's the commercials showing people slapping each other upside the head because they didn't eat vegetables....I thought that was called assault.
Yeah, I know...it's supposed to be funny and where is my sense of humor? Blah blah! When this commercial first came out, it showed a man slapping a woman...I was horrified! Like there isn't enough abuse against women. Evidently I'm not the only one who found it offensive because I notice that that particular one isn't shown anymore. But, still, I find the whole concept of this commercial truly obnoxious. Isn't there enough violence and rudeness in the world?...do we have to see it encouraged in commercials, too?
And then, there are the commercials where, with the kids looking on with smiles on their faces, the wife treats the husband as if he is the dumbest creature ever to draw breath on this planet, and they all laugh about it, as if disrespecting Dad is just part of life. And Dad just laughs along...."Oh, dopey me".
With the divorce rate at 60% and kids showing absolutely no respect for their parents, is this type of commercial really a good idea?
Another one of my favorite type of ad is for food....most often pizza...where people are shown acting like hogs who were never taught any kind of manners at all, and who want the biggest, most fattening, heart-killing garbage they can get so they can stuff their faces until they puke. Yummy! (And then, right after those ads are the weight loss commercials! Makes you wonder if they are in kahoots: "you make them fat and I'll tell them how to lose it and we'll all get rich.")
Speaking of weight loss: how many of us are stupid enough to believe the ads where they show the "before" and "after" shots of the model side by side in the EXACT same pose? (Oh yeah, you took her picture before she lost all that weight using your product and then you took the after shot and you were able to get her in that identical position with the identical expression on her face.**Can you say computer manipulation?**) I love the one where the model is shown walking along a beach in a bikini, "before" and "after"...again, a side by side video shot with everything exactly identical. Yessir, boy, who wouldn't believe that?...they wouldn't lie to us.
One particular company here in my city is for a furniture warehouse. Oh my God! The announcer's voice is so extremely irritating as he literally screams at you (and screams in words so fast you can barely understand what he's saying) that my face involuntarily scrunches up in pain, I get an immediate reaction of anger and I press the mute button instantly...so the owners of the furniture warehouse are defeating their purpose. This man's voice could shatter glass. It's higher than a man's voice should be, WAY too loud, and what I can only describe as "thick". Ugh!
I could go on forever about these stupid commercials...but, I won't insult your intelligence...you get the idea.
The sad part is that, unfortunately, these ads must be working or they wouldn't be so common. And what does that say about us?
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