EVEN A TURTLE........

.....has to stick its neck out in order to get anywhere!!

I want to address you ladies out there who are stuck in bad relationships, bad living situations, or whatever is causing you to tread water because you are afraid of the future. You are so afraid of "what-ifs" that you are putting yourselves into a pit that you can't seem to climb out of...and the longer you stay in it, the deeper it gets, and the more hope seems to be eluding you.

My mother, rest her soul, had a saying that used to really irritate me because it was so illogical: "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it." To me, that made NO sense! My response has always been: "If you don't like the way your bed is made, get out of it and RE-MAKE it." Doesn't that make more sense?

First of all, let me tell you: there's ALWAYS hope. No matter what your situation is. There's always hope! It's up to you to take that first step, that's all.

When you look at the big picture, you get overwhelmed with how many steps it will take to fix it... and you get scared....or maybe you really don't know what that first step is....and then you give up because it all seems too much...I know..I've been there...several times. Don't EVER give up!

I was there when I was just 16, in 1960, had a 7 month old son, and was married to an abusive guy (only 18 himself and already an alcoholic). He was in the military and we were stationed in San Antonio, TX. My family lived in California so I was totally isolated from anyone who knew or cared about my son and me. We didn't even have a phone.

I was terrified, intimidated, confused and in a state of shock....and began accepting the blame my husband put on me. I didn't know any better...I hadn't grown up in this type of situation; my father loved my mother and never laid a hand on her in anger; in fact, I don't even remember him ever raising his voice to her either....so, when my husband told me it was my fault, that I MADE him hit me, I began to believe him...although I couldn't imagine what I was doing to make him so mad.

Before I go on, let me tell you that this is typical of the abusive partner. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO, THEY WILL FIND AN EXCUSE TO ABUSE YOU! Please hear that. A good story that was told to me by a professional follows:

"An alcoholic, abusive husband tells his wife: 'if you would JUST fix my breakfast the way I want it, I wouldn't HAVE to beat you.' She asks, 'Okay, how do you want it?' He says, 'I want one egg fried and one egg scrambled.' 'Alright,' the wife answers and she fixes him the eggs per his request and hands him the plate. He looks at the plate and in a fury, throws it across the kitchen. "Damn you!' he screams at her. 'You scrambled the wrong damned egg!!' "

Now, you may laugh at this story...because it IS ludicrous...but, unfortunately, it's also exactly the way these bullies are, and makes the point that It doesn't matter what you do to try to fix things, you will still be abused, as long as YOU allow it!....but, we'll get to that later.

Okay, so, here I am, far away from any family support. I wasn't even allowed to call my parents from a pay phone because my husband was afraid I'd tell them what was going on...but, he needn't have worried because I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone, much less my parents. (Remember, I thought it was all my fault....and, my parents had done their best before I married this monster to prevent me from doing so! But I felt I couldn't admit how right my parents had been. Sound familiar?)

This abuse went on for 7 months. (Remember how young and how isolated I was.) Finally, one day after a particularly bad episode, I knew I had to get out no matter what. Somehow, I found the strength. By that time I'd made a friend so I went over to her place and used her phone to call my parents and tell them what was going on. It was hard to swallow my pride and let it all out, but when I did, it was like 10 tons of weight had been lifted off me. It took a lot of talking, though, to keep my father from getting on the next plane out and killing my husband....I didn't want DAD to go to jail! Luckily, with the help of my parents, my son and I were able to get out of there and go back to my real home.
(I realize that a lot of you don't have the option of family....and, I will also address that issue later.)

Let me make it very clear that if you are a mother, you have no right to expose your children to an abusive relationship...and abuse takes many forms: drug and alcohol abuse are included, even if physical abuse isn't taking place. Screaming at your kids is abuse, too, whether it's you or your husband/boyfriend who are screaming at them. Anything that puts your children's safety and security at risk. You have a responsibility to GET OUT!

Back then, in 1960, there weren't women's shelters and organizations to help abused women like there are now, so I didn't have those options. And the police? Ha! That was a joke, especially there in Texas where there was the "good old boy, gotta keep the little woman in line" attitude. Once, the neighbors called the police when I was getting beaten up and they came out....but they never came into the house and never saw me. My husband went outside and talked to them, and the next thing I know, I look out a window and see and hear my husband and the cops just laughing up a storm....and then the cops went away. I know that things are different now, thank God, and that they will haul off the perpetrator of spousal abuse, whether it's the woman OR the man. And that's how it should be! But...not the case then, and definitely not there.

Every time he beat me, he'd apologize, make lame excuses, cry, beg me not to leave, and promise never to do it again. I'd believe him because I wanted to believe him; I loved him...and I didn't want my marriage to fail like everyone told me it would! ....and, of course, it did happen again...over and over. Does that sound familiar, too?

I promise you, it will not get any better; it will get worse. Get out!

Anyway, I got out of that mess. So, there I was, at age 17, with a small baby to support and not a whole lot of education. Back then my job options were limited, too. I was staying with my parents, but that did not mean I had a free ride. After all, they didn't make that baby and they didn't make me choose the path I took, so why should they suffer for my stupidity? I was extremely grateful to have a roof over our heads; they didn't OWE me anything!

I got a job as a waitress.....I sucked at it. So I got a job in a donut shop....much better. It didn't pay a lot, but it paid our keep. I gave my parents almost all I made. They didn't want it, but I made them take it because I felt that was only right.

Now, that was the first time I got myself out of a mess. It wasn't the last.

When my second marriage failed after 10 years, I was living in California. Wiser now, but now with three kids instead of one, I again had to get out of a bad situation. (Not physical abuse this time because I made a vow that that would never happen again...and it never did.)
I decided to come back to my home state here in the Midwest. Looking forward, never backward, I set a goal. I sold everything I had until I had enough to buy plane tickets for my kids and myself, with $64 to spare in my pocket, and we came back to the Midwest. I did have a place to go; I'm not reckless! Not with three kids...You don't have the option to be reckless when you have children! (Please see my blog "Sex and the Single Mom" which deals with issues related to things you have to consider once you're single again.)

I had an aunt and uncle who had a large enough house where we could stay temporarily until I could get on my feet.....and the very day we arrived at that house, I handed my aunt that $64 to help with food (this was 1973 when money went a bit farther than today) and I sat down with the classified help-wanted ads and started making phone calls. By that afternoon I had an interview set up for the next day, and I got that job as an executive secretary. (Those ten years I'd been married weren't wasted...I got my GED and some business training. Word to the wise: you never know what the future will bring, so never depend solely on a man's income. If nothing else, get as much education as possible.)

Soon, we had our own place...because that was my primary goal from the day I set foot into my aunt and uncle's home. Living with them was a godsend, but not an end.

Now here's what I want to make clear: One job wasn't enough to support us....so I got another in addition to it....and when that still wasn't enough, I got another one! I worked Monday through Friday from 8 to 5 as an executive secretary. When I got off work I raced home, ate dinner with the kids, (thank God for Crock Pots) changed clothes and was at my second job as a waitress at a dinner theatre by 7:00..(you only have to serve one thing because in a dinner theatre only one choice is offered, so I could do that.) I worked until Midnight, then I dragged myself home, fell into bed and did it all again the next day. Then, on weekends, I worked part-time at McDonald's. In addition to that, there was lots of laundry to do...(we went to the laundromat; I didn't have a washer or dryer)....and kids to spend time with...they went with me to the laundromat and we made a game of it. House cleaning was done all through the week, mostly by the kids. (They were 14 1/2, 8 1/2 and 4 1/2 by then...and yes, the 4 1/2 year old had chores, too...appropriate to her age! We were a family, and all of us pitched in to keep the unit together! It was expected and it was not up for discussion!

You single Moms now need to stop allowing whining from your kids and demand more from them! It won't hurt them to help out....in fact, it makes them feel more a part of the family unit, and that's desperately needed in these lazy spoiled kids today.) Stop trying to make life too easy for your kids...you're ruining them and crippling them! Go to my first post: "Getting To Know Me First" and also, "Love vs Stuff...and Guilt", and you will see what my attitude was back then...and still is today...regarding family, and kids helping out...and rules!

I eventually dropped the weekend job at McDonald's because it just was too much time away from the kids. We then spent those weekends doing fun things together so that during the week days we all had something to look forward to. We made it work, together...as a family.

It wasn't easy...but no one is promised "easy"! You don't have the right to depend on anyone for any length of time to pick you up when you fall! It didn't occur to me to take help from others as a way of life when I fell...And I fell many times.
(And, by the way, I believe in "pay it forward" and "payback, too. I've been there to help others out when they were in need, just as I was helped.)

Then, in 1989, I had to "stick my neck out" to get somewhere once again.

By this time, my kids were grown and on their own and I wanted a change.

In 1987 my dear long-time friend (we've been friends now for 59 years!) who lives in Albuquerque, New Mexico, told me her daughter was getting married. At that time I had a photography/video business and offered to take pictures and video of the wedding. She said sure, so I jumped onto a plane and went out there. I absolutely fell in love with the place! I mean, they don't call it "The Land Of Enchantment" for nothing! It just spoke to my heart.
Still does...but, family is here so, so am I.

So, two years later, in 1989, when I decided it was necessary to shake things up, I knew NM was where I wanted to go. My then 22 year old daughter and then 3 year old grandson went with me....but, again, I had a plan. I sold everything I owned...once again. Hey, material things are nothing to me. All those things were just a means to an end....my sanity and happiness are priceless.

My friend in NM knew a woman who owned a house in Albuquerque that was for rent. My friend met with this woman, looked over the house and called me to say it was perfect for us
so I made arrangements to send two months rent and the security deposit so we'd have a place of our own to go when we arrived. It was a leap of faith because we didn't have jobs...but, we had enough money to keep us going for a little while....a very little while! But, I'd been in that situation before and I knew between my daughter and me, we could do it and be fine. And we were.

It was tough going for awhile, but we kept the faith and kept going forward.

Moving there was life changing for all of us, but especially me. It was absolutely the best thing I ever did. That's where I started the business I still have now...why? Because, once again, when one job wasn't enough, I got two. And the second job was for a residential cleaning company. It was really hard work, but I found that I loved the sense of accomplishment. If anyone had told me I would be working in this type of job...so different from anything I'd ever done before...I'd have told them they were nuts! But if you aren't willing to try new things then you are closing doors and cheating yourself out of some wonderful opportunities.

They decided I was too good to keep out in the field so they brought me into the office (remember, I had executive secretary skills) and when I found out how the business worked, I realized I could do this myself. So, I bought a Rolodex filer and put it on my desk...(I believe if you visualize something it will happen.)...that Rolodex symbolized the future clients names that would soon be in it.....I still have it. I sat down and designed a simple flier, took $50, (and money was tight, but this was an investment in my future), went to the nearest copy store and made 500 fliers, which I then delivered by hand, door to door, walking up and down neighborhood streets every day AFTER working all day, until those fliers were all gone. I did not quit the jobs I had while I was working towards something better. That would have really been stupid and irresponsible. Dreams are great and necessary, but go towards them with common sense, one step at a time.

Soon, one call came in, then two, then we were on our way. Within three years I had thirteen people working for me and I could finally breathe easier.

That was 18 years ago, and we are still in business. After six years in NM, it was time to come back here to the Midwest, for many reasons. We re-started our company as soon as we got back here, and continue it today. My daughter is co-owner and will someday take over the entire business. I do not now do the actual work out in the field anymore...I finally gave that part up just late last year and now only run the office.

I have earned a well-deserved rest!

Now....I'm sure you noticed that some of my sentences in this blog are in bold print. If you go back through this blog, and only re-read what's in bold, you will see that everything is in sequence and those sentences are a plan of action and meant to give you encouragement!

I mentioned earlier that I realized that not all of you have family you can turn to when you are in need. That's a sad reality for too many of you. The best thing is to not get into these bad situations in the first place. Listen to friends or family when they tell you not to go there...however, we do go there, don't we? Stupidly and blindly.....been there; done that...wish I hadn't.

The difference now is that you DO have MANY options that I didn't have when I was in an abusive situation. Now there are shelters. Now there are police who WILL respond to a domestic violence call and who will put the abuser in jail right then and there...and, if you are smart, you will get away while he is gone.

It's a sad fact, too, that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she makes the decision to
get out. Your abuser is furious that he is losing control of his victim and will do just about anything to keep that from happening. He isn't a real man so he can't act like one.

HAVE A PLAN! There are hotline phone numbers in every state that you can call to talk to someone who can tell you exactly what steps to take to get out safely and permanently. But, don't run to a shelter and then call the dummie who's been abusing you to tell him where you are so he can come get you, thinking you will "teach him a lesson" and that it'll be different from then on. This wastes time and resources and puts the rest of the women in that shelter in danger as well. (I used to help women like that and it got so frustrating that I had to quit.) Don't bother these shelters if you aren't serious about leaving!

Something I heard which makes a lot of sense, is to pack a suitcase with just the bare essential clothing for you and any children you have. Put as much money as you can gather together into it as well...(but, if you don't have any access to money, there are still places where you can go with no money....such as women's shelters.) Also, pack yours and your children's birth certificates and social security cards and any other legal documents you may need. Take the suitcase to a friend's house....do NOT keep it hidden at home because the jerk will find it...he'll go looking if he thinks he's losing control of you and you are thinking of leaving. Don't take this suitcase to the home of someone whose husband may be a friend of your abuser...your friend WILL tell her husband or boyfriend and he WILL tell on you. Make sure it's only YOUR friend or family member. Do not tell ANYONE you are leaving or of any plans you've made, other than this friend or family member where you have hidden the suitcase. The less people that know, the less danger there is to you and your kids.

By the way, people, if you see a friend, family member or a co-worker with a black eye or bruises, or you overhear phone conversations that are threatening to her, document everything each and every time! She will probably lie to you and say everything is fine; that she "fell" or "bumped into something", because she's scared. Don't believe her....document anyway.

I say this because I saw a show about this where the only way this woman was able to put her abuser in jail for any length of time was because a friend/co-worker documented in a log every time she saw evidence of abuse, and also testified in court.

Once you leave, get a restraining order against the monster. It won't keep him away from you, but it will give the police a way to arrest him if he violates it....and most do.

There is help out there......be honest with yourself...admit when you need help and get it!

God bless you and guide you.....