SEX AND THE SINGLE MOM

Yeah, baby....now we're going to get into it.....Oh....what! You don't think grandmothers think about sex? WRONG!

We may be older, but we aren't dead...and some of us are pretty attractive.

Okay....personally speaking, I have a little mantra: "Unless there is a man in my living room with a sign around his neck saying : 'To (my name...feel free to insert yours here)... from God' with His signature and something that will verify that signature....I don't see that happening.

My friends laugh at this....but I mean it. Been there...done that.

Those of you who happen to know me know this is true.

In my time, I was a pretty attractive woman. (My now almost 22 year old grandson saw pictures of me when I was in my 30's and declared: "Grammytree! You were a BABE!") Yeah, well that was then, and this is now...sigh... Time takes it's toll.

When I was a young divorced single mom with three kids, I had many opportunities from guys who wanted to "light my fire." Hmmmm.... I didn't go there.

Here is what I want you young single moms to think about: just because someone wants you, doesn't mean he should get you. People in hell want ice water, too. So what.

I grew up in Southern California in the 50's, and then the 60's and 70's when "free love" was the accepted way of life....but not for me. I was born in the Midwest and, thank God, had the Midwestern values instilled in me before my parents dragged me, at age 12, kicking and screaming to Southern California in 1955. Jeez, what a culture shock that was!

When I left my second husband in 1973 and moved back here to the Midwest, I had three young kids...a 14 year old son, an 8 year old daughter, and a 4 year old daughter to deal with...and the task of making a new life for all of us.

My son was totally furious with me for dragging him away from his All-Star baseball team...he probably could have gone pro...seriously...he was that good from the time he was 5 years old. My 8 year old daughter was furious with me for taking her away from her daddy....she was a "daddy's girl". Luckily, my 4 year old daughter was too young to really be too mad at me so I only had the anger of two out of three to deal with.

Without going into details, let me tell you that I did everything I could think of to save my marriage and avoid "failing again". You can't fix your spouse's addictions. Enough said.

So, there I was....Three young kids, no child support (he said he would rather leave the country than give me a dime of child support, ...and back then he could get away with that)...and the challenge of making a decent life for all of us. Whew!

My main focus was on getting a job...which I did within days of arriving back in my home state...and then moving forward so that we could survive.

Fast forward.....eventually, we got a place and settled in. Meanwhile, I was still dealing with my son's anger and the tears of my middle daughter.(and by the way, let me tell you what I said to both of them: "I am the adult! I make the decisions that will be best for ALL of us; not just one or two of us! I love you and I am responsible for our well-being...and this is what I believe to be in the best interest of us all. I will listen to you and hear your opinions....but the bottom line is that I will make the final decision.

And then here came the guys who wanted to "date" me...a dime a dozen. Big deal. I was working three jobs and didn't have much time to date anyone for quite awhile. Also, I didn't want anyone I didn't know coming into my home and getting near my children.

Fast forward again...and I eventually met the love of my life. I mean, I loved this guy.(I still do. I will probably love him till I die, but I will never know were he is or what he's doing now.. that's life.)

We were together for 8 years. He had never been married and didn't have kids and wasn't crazy about them.....he was younger than me. He wasn't a bad guy.(if he had been, he never would've gotten near my kids or me.) but he was just not kid-friendly because...again...he was young and had never had any...and he would have preferred to have me all to himself. Tough. We were a package deal and he knew that from the start. (Years later, after we'd gone our separate ways, I found out he'd married and had a son of his own...I'm sure he felt differently about his own than he felt about mine, and he probably is a wonderful father.)

Here's my point: It didn't matter how much I loved him...I didn't like how he related to my children so he had to go. End of story. My children came first.

This is what I want you young, single/divorced moms to understand:

YOUR CHILDREN COME FIRST! DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING? IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! No man is worth putting your kids in jeopardy. NO man! The price is too high. How many times have you listened to the news and heard how some dumb woman has allowed a man that she barely knows into her home with her children and he hurts those kids in whatever way....once they are gone forever she can't change that and all the "I'm sorrys" and "I didn't knows" and "I loved him and thought he was wonderful" will not change a thing. Prevent those regrets.(We all have a little voice inside of us that warns us when something isn't right...listen to it.)

It's a different world now than when I was in your shoes....but, I am up on all the tricks..and you'd darn well better be, too! Now, we have the Internet, and child predators trolling My Space and YouTube....and you're working too many hours trying to survive and make a home for your kids, and they are alone too much and have an empty space in their hearts and souls that they try to fill with the computer...hours that you can't be there.

You need to keep them off those websites, and I don't care how much they whine about it or stomp around. It's your job to keep them safe. You need to be strong about that and here's how:

Take the keyboard with you when you go to work. Rip out the cords. Take the mouse. Shut down the thing until you are able to get home. Keep the computer in the living room where, when you are home, you can monitor your kids. And, for Heaven's sake, don't just blindly believe them about anything they tell you they are or are not doing on the Net! Check the history of where they've been. Don't think those parental blocks are any good...these kids are way more computer savvy than we are and easily figure out how to by-pass them. Question everything. Parents who don't follow these steps risk losing their kids.

By the way,whatever happened to knowing where your kids are, who their friends are, what the names of the friends' parents are, addresses and phone numbers of each friend? What happened to calling the parents of those friends and verifying that your child is indeed over there when he says he is? Oh, the kids will whine about that, too: "You don't trust me" (so what?)....and your response should be, "I love you and it's my job to know where you are at all times." That's all the explanation you need to give. I started that with my kids when they were little and by the time they were teenagers they knew the drill and didn't even bother to argue.

Okay, so then, after a rough day at work, you finally do get home. You love your kids and are happy to see them at the end of the day, but they are kids, and you're still young and vibrant and want to interact with other adults on a fun level. You're lonely..and you want someone in your life to ease the pain of that loneliness. So you feel you have a right to go out somewhere...maybe a bar....and meet someone you can connect with.

Well...let me hit you with a little dose of reality: You DON'T have that right. I don't think you should stay home every minute..but there are better places to go than a bar.
And please, don't ever leave your kids home alone. Doesn't matter how old they are. If you can't find a responsible ADULT to take care of them, you simply do not go out partying.

And, know this: Predators are out there just waiting to hook up with you single moms who have young boys and girls at home...oh yeah...they look for you! The lonely desperate woman that a predator can spot a mile away.
Right off the bat they ask you about your life...so concerned...."oh...you've been married before? Oh, do you have kids? boys or girls? What are their ages?"...look out! The minute they ask about your kids a red alarm should go off! Tell them nothing.

Don't bring a man into your home where your children are. Don't! If you can't control your hormones and you feel you just have to hook up with him that night, well....do it somewhere well away from your home...and don't give him any personal information that will enable him to find you later.( AND, just for your safety, let someone know where you are! Give them the address of where you are, the name of the person you are with, license numbers...anything that will help someone find you in case you are with someone who turns out to be dangerous.. (Don't scoff...it can and does happen every day.) Be smart!

And listen, ladies....with AIDS and all the other nasty diseases out there these days...why would you take a chance? If someone who barely knows you is willing to sleep with you, don't you wonder how many others he has casually been with and what diseases they may have? When you have sex with someone, you also are having sex with everyone they've ever been with before you.

Think about that. Don't you think it's more important to take care of your children's mother? Wouldn't you like to see your kids grow up? Don't you look forward to greeting your future grandchildren and enjoying your later years? Is a few minutes of casual, disconnected sex worth the risk of AIDS or herpes, or whatever? (If you need a wake-up call about how horrible the slow death from AIDS is, just visit a hospital and spend some time with a victim of that disease...and if sex was what gave them AIDS, ask them if that encounter was worth dying for. I don't think you'll find anyone who will tell you it was...Oh, and there's herpes...that's a lifetime gift. Incurable. How many partners will tell you that they have it..BEFORE they sleep with you?)
And let's not even think about an unplanned pregnancy that you are left to deal with when your Mr. Wonderful hits the road once he's had his fun. He'll be the first to call you nasty names when that happens....after all, you were easy.

If you meet someone you think you can really build a relationship with, why do you think you need to jump into bed with them right away? If it's a good thing, let it ride for awhile. Get to know each other. See whether or not he thinks enough of you to keep on seeing you without sex. Value yourself enough to withhold that treasure...and it IS a treasure. Don't give it away. It should be earned.

Then there's the issue of respect. Do you want your kids to respect you, and obey you, and listen to what you say? Do you say to them: "Do as I say, not as I do"? or do you say, "Follow my example"? Kids today are so very smart...they are watching you every minute and you can't get anything by them. They don't respect bullcrap...and they can spot it a mile away. You cannot fool them. They will NOT do as you say when they see YOU doing stupid stuff!

Come on. You aren't stupid either. Which path would YOU have followed when you were a kid?

While your kids are young, you DON'T have the right to do whatever you want. Your responsibility; your obligation...is to your children. You must raise them to be good citizens....you want them to contribute to society..not be a liability. They need to be able to respect you and look up to you. And respect has to be earned. That won't happen if you are disrespecting yourself, out running around with whoever. And, don't think they don't know what you are up to. Kids today are way more on it than you give them credit for.
They look to you to guide them....the most important person in their lives is the same sex parent....but, if you are a single mom of a son...or a single father of a daughter...you really have some special challenges.....use common sense.
And, if you do, the day will come when you see your son or daughter do something that will make you so proud that you will heave a huge sigh and know that all your sacrifices were worth it.....and that is priceless.

God bless and guide the single parents.

(P.S.: my son, who was so mad at me for taking him out of California when he was 14, eventually thanked me for taking him away from there, and told me he understood why I did that....and so did his sisters. I knew they would get it some day...and I was willing to wait until they did. I did what I knew was right at the time....the rewards come later. You cannot be afraid to do what is right, regardless. You have to look at the big picture.)