PSSSSST....HAVE YOU HEARD....?

I am constantly amazed at how mean kids are to each other! Especially girls. Whoever said girls are sugar and spice hasn't been on the Internet lately!

Today I heard a young lady proudly announce that she has a website set up so people can gossip about and trash each other. This practice is called "slamming." Her rationalization was that it was perfectly acceptable for people to trash others, and HER site is good because it gives the person being trashed a chance to "defend themselves", as opposed to places like MySpace or Facebook where people can just trash each other and spread gossip and the victim has no chance to respond. Wow. Her mother must be real proud of her! such a public service-minded little dear.

It was bad enough when I was in school many years ago.....I know that gossipy kids have always been a part of everyone's lives....and it has always been hurtful...but these kids now have the Internet as a weapon and they take it to a whole new level. People's lives are ruined..teenagers who are walking a thin line anyway are pushed over the edge and commit suicide. The results of this bullying are terrible.

A person can be a target for being just the tiniest bit different from what is considered "the norm." What does that mean, anyway? And who decided what the norm is?

Kids are put under pressure to have the "right" clothes and shoes, live in the "right" neighborhoods, drive the "right" cars..be the "right" weight....or suffer unimaginable humiliation. How sad is that? And what does that say about parents?

Why are you teaching your children that they are worthless unless they are part of this nonsense? You buy them all those expensive designer clothes and shoes and all this electronic crap, because they guilt you into it. Why do you allow that? You should be teaching them that all that stuff is superficial and will break and wear out, but becoming a good person inside will be with them forever.

As a society, we have become a bunch of materialistic, uncaring, mean-spirited, money-grubbing, greedy, selfish and incredibly lazy parents. Children are allowed to run the house and be disrespectful, demanding and selfish, too...what do you expect with you as their example?....and they are NOT happy! In fact, I have never seen such miserable, groundless, rootless messes in my life.

Parents, where ARE you when your kids are on the Internet busily trying to destroy the lives of other kids? Why aren't you monitoring them? (Over and above this nonsense, is the danger of pedophiles getting to your kids because you aren't watching them...but that's a subject for another day.)

I know that you parents have been warned to keep the computer in the living room or some other place where you can see what they're doing, but you continue to allow the kids to keep it in their rooms where they can shut you out and do whatever they want because you want to "trust them"....(or because they're quiet and out of your way when they're tippy-tapping that keyboard.)

Boy, they have you trained, don't they!

No. You don't just blindly trust them. To do so is inviting disaster..haven't you figured that out yet? Kids lie. Plain and simple. They lie! What kid is going to admit that they're on MySpace ruining someone's reputation with gossip and lies, or that they're talking to someone they think is another kid on their web page but who in reality is some freak trying to get personal information out of them so he can get to them. And, because you aren't watching and monitoring where they've been, the freak does get that information....they are so good at that; it's what they do.

Don't give me that old tired excuse that you work all day and can't be there to keep an eye on your kids, either. I was a single parent of three and I know how hard that is....so what! More likely, you just don't want to be bothered to take the necessary steps to make sure they can't get into trouble on the net....or you don't want to hear the whining when you take those steps.. well, tough! Here's what you do: Take the keyboard and mouse with you when you go to work. They can't operate the computer without those two things, now can they? Sure, it's a lot of trouble and there will be whining...but, too bad. What I used to tell my kids whenever they'd whine about any rules I set down was: "I'll give you 60 seconds to whine and complain all you want....and then we're done."

I know that kids will find a way around your rules...they're real inventive that way..but you have to try to keep one step ahead, and care enough to be on top of things. Know their friends....know the addresses and phone numbers of those friends, too...and talk to their parents. It's your obligation and responsibility. Believe me, if your kids know you will be communicating with those parents they will be more hesitant to do stupid stuff. Make those parents your allies, and you be theirs.

Kids have way too much time on their hands that they can use to get into trouble. Why aren't you giving them chores and responsibilities and expecting those to be completed?

What they need is for you to stop operating on guilt. They need you to say "NO!!" Loudly and with conviction, and stick to it. They need rules, guidelines and expectations. They need to be a part of the family...which means that they have chores....every day, not just when you think about it. They need your time, not your money and things! Your TIME...which is priceless.

Children need to be taught from the time they are little...age two is not too young...compassion for others, empathy, kindness to animals, responsibility and what the house rules and rules of society are. They must be taught that there are consequences for bad behaviors...each and every time they disobey, not just when you feel like enforcing whatever rule they've broken.
They must have consistency. If you waffle around and one day this is the rule but the next day it isn't, kids will become confused and will be encouraged to push the boundaries constantly to see what they can get away with at any particular time. It's what kids do....ALL kids. It's their job and they're experts at it! If you think childhood isn't a war between you and them then you are way too naive. And it's a war you'd better win!

And what is this with kids being allowed to swear at their parents? It's bad enough when you allow them to talk back to you...but, swearing, too? I'll tell you this: my kids are grown and I still do not want to hear them talk like that.....and they don't; they know better. They may swear a little out of my hearing, I don't know...but, they won't to or around me. I don't like it; it's disrespectful....and I didn't when they were little and don't now talk to them like that either. You lead by example. I used to tell them that trashy language was the tool of ignorance.

(I'm not saying I'm perfect....I've been know to drop an "F-bomb" or two.....but, I don't talk to my kids that way, and I don't make it a way of life.)

Stop being afraid of your kids. You are not their friend...you can't be while they are growing up; you're all that stands between them and disaster. A friend will walk into that disaster with them..it's YOUR job to keep them out of it , no matter how "uncool" they accuse you of being. My response to my kids was: "I'm not out to win a popularity contest! I'm out to raise good, responsible adults who will contribute to society. Deal with it!"

So, parents....toughen up! Your kids will thank you later.

GETTING TO KNOW ME FIRST

Hello!
I think it's way past time for common sense parenting, grandparenting, and being an in-law...(or "outlaw", as the case may be..depending upon how much you like that group of people in your life.) and, because, I'm a mother, grandmother and an in-law, I have some very strong opinions on these subjects...(as well as other subjects as you will see as time goes on)... and the lack of common sense I've seen for too long in parents.

In addition to the above, I am also a photographer, an artist, a writer (I'm presently working on a cold case novel, and have had poetry published)...I have driven race cars in a "Solo II" type track. I have been a volunteer on a Suicide Crisis Hotline. I own a small business. I am a dog lover and I own a 12 year old black cocker spaniel named Poppy....or, I guess, more realistically, she owns me....but, she's a good dog and I love her.

I've been divorced and I've been widowed. I have three grown children and five grandchildren.
I've lived in Southern California during some really fun decades: 50's, 60's, and 70's. I've also lived in San Antonio, Texas, Akron, Ohio, Columbus, Ohio, and Albuquerque, New Mexico.

In this blog you will find many subjects, strong opinions, information, encouragement, advice and, I hope, a little something for everyone....but we'll see.
I also hope that you out there will give feedback and that I can learn things from you, too.

My one rule is this: I do not suffer fools gladly and I will not welcome comments that contain ignorant, offensive language, so, if you can't contribute something intelligent to this blog, please move on to some other blog or chat room where you can spout any garbage you want.

So...that said.....let's see where this goes.

As I said in the beginning, I am wondering where common sense in parenting has gone?
What are you parents thinking when you allow little Johnny or Susie to rule the house? Why do you feel such guilt over saying "no" to your children? Do you honestly think they will hate you forever if they don't get everything they want?
Let me tell you that when my kids were growing up and they'd ask for something ridiculous, my response was: "Have you fallen out of a tree on your head?" or: "People in hell want ice water, too." Usually that was enough to get the point across...but, occasionally, I'd get the angry "I hate you", to which my response was: "Good! That means I'm doing my job!"

When they'd threaten to run away, I would say "Just a minute...let me help you pack...and be sure to take your dirty laundry with you. Don't forget to pack a lunch and take a coat for when you get cold and hungry....oh, and how long do you think it will take you to find a job...probably not a good idea to have your prospective employer call me for a reference."
Nothing like a good dose of reality to make them think twice.

I believe in consequences for actions.....you mess up, you fix up! This is how real life is, and if you don't prepare your children for real life you are crippling them emotionally.
You may love them but the rest of the world doesn't and they need to learn that from babyhood. The rest of us do not think your out-of-control child is cute when he or she creates a disturbance in a restaurant, or anywhere else....yelling and running around while you smile indulgently. What ever happened to manners and consideration?

You wonder why things are so chaotic and kids are so messed up, shooting up malls and schools......look in the mirror! These children have WAY too much freedom and things, and not enough discipline and attention from their parents.....and on the subject of freedom: when my kids were growing up, I made it clear that our home was a dictatorship, NOT a democracy. Now I can just see you young parents rearing up on your hind legs and objecting to that....well this is where you need to get quiet for a minute and think about what I'm saying. If the Columbine parents would have had that attitude, those kids would not have been able to destroy so many lives along with their own because their parents would have tossed their rooms on a regular basis the minute they would have noticed the black clothing, the "I-hate-society" attitudes, the obvious drug use, etc, and they would have found those weapons stored in their rooms! Instead, they turned their heads and ignored the signs and wanted to "respect the privacy of the kids". Bull! This is what I told my kids...(who, by the way, I had to raise alone): "As long as my name is on the lease agreement or mortgage and all the bills come into this home with my name on them, and the paychecks (I worked three jobs) that come into this home are made out to me, and it is I who puts food on the table and clothes on your back and a roof over your head, you will do as I say. Period. When I see paychecks coming into this house with YOUR names on them and bills going out with checks that YOU'VE signed, then we will renegotiate. Until then, all the rooms in this house belong to me, and if I feel the need to go into the rooms you occupy and check them for anything at any time, I will! You will contribute to the smooth running of this home; you will NOT be a liability. You will help with chores, you will go to school and you will behave yourself! Any time you feel you are too grown to follow the rules, you can make other arrangements. If you get yourself into trouble you will find a way to get yourself out WITHOUT causing any suffering to the rest of the family. There are consequences for bad behavior. I am the only thing that stands between you and disaster...and I am NOT your friend! I love you and I am your parent and I will tell you NO on a regular basis BECAUSE I love you. I am not out to win a popularity contest; I am out to raise good, solid, responsible adults who will contribute something to this world!"

Now....all that being said, let me also tell you that I spent a lot of time with my children, despite working multiple jobs. They were my main focus and I told them...and showed them...every single day just how much I loved them..(and I still make sure they know that every day.) We went fun places together, established wonderful holiday traditions that remain to this day, laughed and cried and grew up together...because I was only 16 when my first child was born....(I never said I was a saint...I just thought I was "in love").

Here's the bottom line: I've been a mother for 48 years...I've learned so much...a lot by trial and error.....so why not benefit by my knowledge and mistakes and just maybe you can avoid making the same ones.......and here's where the advice comes in. You don't have to go it alone; ask questions; who knows...maybe I may have an answer and a little insight. I wish I would have had that support when I was struggling to make it on my own!

I'm not a stogy old woman who's out of touch with reality....my grandkids, (two of them teenagers...think I'm "pretty cool".

I'm able to keep up with what's going on with teenagers; I am told I'm a lot of fun and have a good sense of humor...but, there's a time to be serious, too...and that time is now. Our kids are in a lot of trouble, parents! Look around and pay attention. Get your focus off yourselves and what YOU want, and be a parent to your kids...not a "friend." Friendship comes later, when they are grown.

When my kids were growing up, their friends would love to come over to our house...not because I was trying to be like them...oh no...we had rules! And I was the adult, not their friend...good Lord, I sure didn't want to be a teenager again! They found stability at my house and guidance, too....and lots of love and acceptance...but they knew they had to follow the house rules. My kids could not for the life of them understand why their friends thought I was "so cool"....now that they are all grown up and have children of their own, they understand. ( Hey, I told them one day they would!) :)