LOVE vs STUFF...AND GUILT

I had lunch today with my 48 year old son.....a treat that doesn't happen often enough to suit me, but we are both busy and we carve out time as often as we can.
We went to Red Lobster, one of our favorite restaurants....and it was so lovely just sitting there, sharing food and conversation, like the friends we now are. My daughters and I do this as often as possible too, and I treasure every moment!

In an earlier blog, I talked about how tough I was on my kids when they were growing up and I was struggling, working multiple jobs (and without a dime of child support from their father, I might add.)...and just trying to make it from day to day; keeping all three kids...my son and his two younger sisters) on the straight and narrow. I mentioned in my blog that I told my kids "I am NOT your friend!" and I said in another of my blogs that friendship comes later, after the kids are grown. I believe, expecially from what I've seen for far too long, that keeping that line between parent and "friend" is seemingly impossible for parents today. And I have to ask why? Why do young parents find it so very hard to say NO to their kids, no matter what the ages of the kids are, and try to be their friend instead? Why do they feel they have to give these kids every crazy outrageous toy or game or whatever these kids demand? And why do the kids demand these things? Well, the answer to the last question is simple: because they CAN!

So....why can they? You parents are riddled with guilt. You have to ask yourself, is the guilt for a REAL reason? Are you a lousy parent who doesn't have the ability to give your kids honest love or attention? If that's the case then you should feel guilty. After all, love and attention cost nothing and if you can't give them that then you HAVE failed miserably as a parent.

I truly believe that most parents really love their children...but they are drowning in guilt and fear. They are afraid to "hurt" their kid's feelings; afraid someone else will hurt the kid's feelings; afraid life will give them knocks (it will!..so what?); afraid their kid will fail at something...(again: they will...so what?)...blah blah blah.
You're afraid your kids will have to "do without something"...like what? Useless stuff they don't need? Why? Because YOU didn't have everything while you were growing up? So...what...that means that both husband and wife should work horrible jobs that take you away from your kids for 80 hours a week EACH so you can have more stuff? A bigger home? Fancier cars? Your kids spend all those hours alone, bored, ripe for trouble, sitting on the couch staring at the TV and playing violent video games you bought them because "they wanted them", becoming desensitized to violence because of those games, using drugs or sex or food...or lack of food because they can only feel good about themselves or in control of their environment if they are skinny,....chatting on the internet with God knows what pediphile, in order to fill up the hole you parents leave in their souls so you can work so you can buy a bigger house....(that no one has time to LIVE in because you're working 80 hours a week)...and fancier cars (that you only have time to drive to and from the jobs you work at FOR 80 HOURS A WEEK) so you can BUY MORE STUFF!! Yes, you should feel guilty if that describes you!
Pare down your lifestyle, for your children's sake, and spend more time with them, REALLY loving them!

What you as parents need to feel guilty for and be afraid of is that because you have encapsulated your kids in a little fantasy world where no one ever holds them accountable for their actions, no one better dare make them reach for higher standards in school (better to "dumb down" tests so that NO ONE fails and really smart kids who work hard never get to shine)....your kids never develop a sense of empathy for others, or manners or consideration, they become totally self-absorbed, self-involved, with a trumped up sense of entitlement, and are completely unable to function in the real world! They have no knowledge of how money works, how credit cards are a bottomless pit, what it costs to live...or even how to clean a house or cook for themselves! Just basic responsibilities.

When little Johnny or Susie graduates from college..if they bother to go...that YOU have paid for (God forbid they should work to help put themselves through...that would interfere with their "me" time) they discover that finding a job actually takes time and commitment, and supporting themselves is "no fun", and back home they come where they will stay until you die and leave them whatever you have worked all your life to acquire! And you should feel guilty for that, too, because you made that mess!

Let me ask you this: would you deliberately physically cripple your child that you love so much? I mean, would you cut off his arms or legs? Would you inflict a brain injury upon him? That shocks you, doesn't it...that I would ask such a dumb question! I MEAN to shock you.....because, parents, you ARE crippling your child emotionally when you run behind him, picking him up whenever he falls, never letting him fend for himself and learn life lessons which are usually hard, never allowing him to suffer consequences when he does something truly stupid...like destroying someone's property just because it's "fun" and he's "bored"...(the kid's world should fall in on him if he does something like that!!)....rewarding bad behavior, sticking up for him when he is wrong....and believing every word out of his mouth just because he's your kid and he'd "never lie". If you're gullible enough to believe that your kid won't lie, then I have some swampland in Florida that I'd like to sell you!!
Please! The way you can tell if a kid is lying is if their lips are moving! Kids lie! It's their job and they're good at it.
If you don't call them on it each and every time and let them know that's not acceptable, then they believe they can live a life of dishonesty....and you should feel guilty for that, too.

The Holidays just passed. How many of you parents maxed out your credit cards and went into debt to buy your little darlings every commercially hyped, way overpriced electronic gadget, or designer clothes or shoes, or even a car? Did you ask yourself why you did that? Was your answer "Because my child WANTED it and I wanted to "MAKE THEM HAPPY"? ARE they??
Do you think that overpriced garbage was truly appreciated, needed or important?....or did they yell with excitement for about 30 seconds and then push it aside with boredom before the day was over? Meanwhile, because you put that crap on a credit card with a ridiculous interest rate you will be paying three times more for that oh-so-important stuff, probably until next year when you will have paid it down just far enough so you can do it all over again. Does that make any sense? How about setting limits? Limits on what, when, why...and how much it will cost.

When my kids were growing up, we always had a nice Christmas...always! They got nice things...notice I didn't say "expensive". And they didn't get 20 gifts each. We didn't have a lot of money, but even if I would have been a millionaire, I still would not have lavished them with THINGS! They were happy and grateful for everything they got.....but, I have to tell you that the absolute best and most memorable Christmas was the one where we made everything for each other. Even though we could have bought things, we got together and decided that all gifts had to be handmade. My son, who was in high school, made me the most beautiful coffee table in woodshop out of maple...I still have it 32 years later and use it every day. My daughter who was in junior high made me a gorgeous cutting board, also in woodshop, using 5 different kinds of wood. I used it until it fell apart 20 years later. The youngest daughter, who was in elementary school, made me a batik cloth in art class that you put in a window and light shines through it like a stained glass window. I still have that, too. For my son, I made a huge sand candle...he loved candles...(it was the '70s)...with three wicks....it was freeform shaped, about 12" x 15". I made my middle daughter some artwork for her room and I made my youngest daughter a large dollhouse out of wood....it even had wooden shingles on the roof. Those gifts were all made with love and thoughtfulness, and were priceless! It can be done.

My children didn't suffer because they didn't have useless stuff to open on Christmas morning....they learned what was truly valuable.

And one more thing, before I end this blog tonight: Parents, stop giving your kids money for nothing!! Stop it! In the real world, you don't get something for nothing; you have to work for it. My son learned that lesson when he was just 11 years old. Instead of coming to me for money, he earned money going door to door with a rake in the Fall, a snow shovel in the Winter, and a lawnmower in the Summer. He lied about his age when he was 14 so he could get a job at a neighborhood Chinese restaurant washing dishes....I never told him to do these things...he just decided to do them. (I forgave him that lie because he was trying to help buy food for his sisters and me during a very poor time.) Today, he owns his own, very successful contracting business, has a beautiful home, a lovely wife (they've been married 25 years) and they both drive nice cars. They do not have any children. He has worked very hard for everything; no one handed him anything, ever.
My girls are wonderful as well. My oldest is co-owner of our business with me and has a son in college. I could not run the business without her! The youngest is the mother of four terrific kids...she has done a lot of charity work, despite her busy schedule. She and her husband have been married for 17 years.

They were never uselessly indulged, they had to toe the line while growing up...nothing else was an option; and they had to learn respect, not only for people, but for people's property. They learned compassion, empathy, hard work, responsibilty, and community service. And, when they messed up, there were consequences....and I didn't feel one bit guilty about that, either! Obviously, they grew up just fine. I am so proud of all of them, and of my grandchildren, too, who are also learning these lessons.

If you haven't taught your children these things, then you should feel guilty....but then, get over it and turn it around! If you've messed up, FIX up!! Start today.

Now.