This evening I was watching the news and I saw the sad news that a 28 year old, very talented, Oscar nominee actor, Heath Ledger, who has played great roles in major movies...one being "Brokeback Mountain" ...was found dead, and they think it may be suicide since prescription and non-prescription drugs were found ''strewn all around his body'' when he was discovered.
I don't know...it could have been just another case of too much money...too quick fame...too much availability of too many drugs and it got out of control.....who knows? Any way you look at it, it's sad. He left a small child behind, and now, if it's proven that he did commit suicide, that child will grow up thinking that his father didn't love him enough to stay here for him.....doesn't matter what people will tell him to the contrary...kids will find a way to believe that everything is their fault.
I don't know how many of you who have been visiting my site have read "My Personal Profile", but if you have, you know that I was a volunteer on a Suicide Crisis Hotline at one time. And, I want you to know that it took months of training before I was allowed to take any calls..you don't just jump up one day and decide to do this...mainly because if you say one wrong word it can make the difference between life and death. It isn't something you go into lightly and I took it very seriously.
That news report about Heath Ledger this evening got me thinking. Suicide seems to be on the rise...and it's tragic regardless of the person's age...but, to me, most heartbreaking of all, is teen suicide....a permanent solution for a temporary problem. ALL suicide falls into that category, but teens seem to be most unable to see anywhere into the future. They only see right now; right that moment. To them, the future is beyond their comprehension. They think that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. They don't get the concept of "permanant solution to a temporary problem."
I wrote an article in this blog about teen gossiping and how destructive it is..and how some teens may go over the edge because of it....but, that's only the tip of the iceberg. Teen suicide is on the rise...and why? Well, part of it is because our family unit is breaking down.
When I was a kid in the 50's, suicide was almost unheard of among teenagers. Now, this is not to say that there were not dysfunctional families back then, or that no teenager ever committed suicide. Sure, that happened. But, the difference, I believe, is that dysfunctional families or not, kids knew they were loved. Teen suicide was not so common.
Now, I can hear you saying, "I love my kids!" And I don't doubt that you do. But, here's the thing: if the way you show your kids that you love them is to buy them all kinds of crap, give them everything they want, not demanding anything from them in regards of contributing to the family by helping with chores, ignoring them when they are on the Internet because you are tired after working too many hours so that you can buy them more things, (and they are quiet while they are trolling the Net so therefore not bothering you)...then you ARE failing as a parent and your child may well be at risk for a whole lot of things...including taking their own lives.
Parents, you are too willing to hide your heads in the sand and convince yourselves that your kids will be just fine while you are chasing big money, a bigger house, a fancier car and more expensive electronic stuff to impress the neighbors and your so-called friends....at what expense? I'll tell you that it's at the expense of your children's security and well-being!
What do you think is going through the minds of your kids while you are off chasing this useless nonsense? Do you really think they appreciate all that stuff?
(I'm not talking about you single moms who HAVE to work just to keep a roof over the heads of you and your kids...I'm referring to those parents who have a choice and work only to have luxuries.)
I've talked to many teenagers in this position and these are the things I'd hear most often:
I wish Mom and Dad were home more.
I wish they'd listen to me more.
I wish they'd quit fighting.
I wish they weren't so tired all the time.
I wish we'd go more places as a family.
I'd be happy with a smaller place if it meant that my folks would be home more."
These kids want TIME with you! They really don't care about material things. If you deny them time, then you are asking for trouble.
Think back to when you were a kid. What meant the most to you then? I'll bet it was the same things that mean the most to the kids now.
Oh, they may whine about wanting this or that, but really, they want you.
And while we are on the subject of kids, suicide and the breakdown of families, I have to mention the clothing you are providing these teen girls. What in the name of Heaven are you thinking?
With pedophiles running rampant, and kids posting their half-naked pictures on the web wearing the most ridiculous clothing, why are you parents providing that crap? I saw a nine-year-old little girl proudly wearing a pair of sweatpants the other day that had "Juicy" splashed across her skinny, underdeveloped little butt....a pedophile's dream! Yes, I know that's a brand name....so what? It sure as the devil wouldn't be something I'd allow any child I loved put on. Why do you want to draw attention to your child's backside? When did that become okay?
And what is this Madonna-like garbage these kids are wearing? I thought that fad was over, but I see it's back in "style" again. It wasn't ever appropriate for even Madonna to wear...but, at least she did it because she's an entertainer....there is no excuse for you as a parent to allow your child to run the streets looking like a hooker.
If you love your daughters, just say NO to dressing trampy...and stop buying those clothes for them! And if somehow they manage to earn their own money by babysitting or whatever, it's up to you to monitor what they buy with that money. Inappropriate clothing goes back to the store. (It also doesn't hurt if you show up at their schools unannounced occasionally just to see what they are wearing when they think you aren't going to bust them. I know one trick is to stash clothing you don't approve of at a friend's house and change before school, or hide it in a backpack to change into at school.)
It all goes back to caring enough to set down rules, teaching them the values that are really important and being strong enough to stick to those rules and values. Those are the things that will make your children feel grounded, secure and much happier and those are the things that will help them get past the "tragedies " of every day teen life. (to a teen, everything is a tragedy, you know.)
Talk to them. Every day, not just when it's convenient for you. Watch them closely and don't stick your head in the sand if you see them acting moodier than usual. Make them sit down and talk to you, too! Preferably at the dinner table every evening. Make it a rule that they be home for dinner every evening....it's so very important!
One thing I learned during my Suicide-Crisis training was that although girls (and women) talked about suicide more, boys (and men) actually committed suicide more often. This is because girls are able to talk more about personal feelings whereas boys are supposed to be too tough to talk about such things. Consequently, they have fewer outlets and keep it bottled up. It's up to you as parents to watch your children carefully for any signs.
Watch for:* Changes in mood, which means going from being depressed for any length of time to suddenly being very bubbly and happy. This is often an indicator of the relief they feel at having made the decision to end their life.
*Shutting themselves in their rooms too often and for too long a period of time.
*Withdrawing from friends.
*Giving away treasured things to friends or anyone else.
*Weight loss or gain.
*Evidence of drug use....and parents, it's been said by experts that if you suspect your child of using drugs, they probably are, so don't hide from this, either! And don't be dumb enough to believe them when they tell you they aren't. It's time to toss their rooms at that point, and never mind "trusting" them! You can make the mistake of trusting them right into an early grave.
*Wearing Goth clothes and make-up.
*Turning away from religious training.
*Expressing negative, anti-social views on life or the world.
*Expressing hopelessness.
*Change in sleep patterns.
No parent wants to think that their child is so unhappy that they no longer want to live....but, teen suicide is on the rise whether you want to think about it or not.....so lay a strong foundation from the time they are tiny that they can hold onto during rough times; give them security, your love and time instead of junk, know their friends AND the friend's parents, and stay in communication with those parents. Watch for the above mentioned signs, and take action if you see anything like them in your kids. And please, don't be afraid to ask them point blank if you see any of these signs, "Are you thinking about suicide?" Asking them this question will NOT give them the idea! What it may do is to shock them into actually admitting it and open up a dialogue which may save their life.
Don't just hope that they'll "get over it."
That can be fatal.
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When I read the article about Heath Ledger, it just broke my heart. He was such a young and talented actor. The very first movie I saw him in was "A Knight's Tale". And then, I looked for other movies he starred in. He was such a wonderful actor and had such a wonderful career. It took a REAL man to star in "Brokeback Mountain". Yes, he could have turned down the role, but it was an opportunity to show his talent. I agree with the Author, I do not belive it was an overdose or that he committed suicide. I know most of you out there are going "yeah right". But he left behind a child that will have to live with this forever. It will haunt that child forever.
When my child was about 11 or 12 years old, she went through the "Gothic" period of her life. I already knew she was going through some tough times at school and what she felt was her "life" at that time. I let her do some strange things at times because I did not want to hold her back from developing and growing. But, one day, she had a solo band/concert performance competition, that included a college scholarship. She came out of the bathroom all dressed in black. She had on nice black jeans, a black turtle neck and a black jacket. She really looked great. Unfortunately, her face looked liked the devil had come up from hell. She had black eyeliner on, black eye shadow, black lipstick and a white cake looking makeup on her face. I took one look at her and told her she had 5 seconds to go back into the bathroom and wash that crap off her face or I would. We had words for about 2 seconds. That was it. She knew I was not kidding and that I would scrub her face with a scrub brush if I had to do that. She came back out of the bathroom looking like my daughter again. We went to the solo performance together, not saying a word to each other. After we got home is when I sat her down and had a very long talk with her about where she was in life. That is when I realized I needed to make changes in her life. I stopped letting her "hang out" with some of the kids she was running with and made the decision that once the school year was over, we needed to make drastic changes. We moved back to my home state and boom, she was back to being the same kid that she was long before she was so depressed, felt insecure and was starting to be someone I did not like, nor want to call my child. Depression is a very hard thing to deal with. Most of us, at one time or another in our live, have gone through it. If I had not made the drastic move that I did, I truly do not think that my daughter (now a grown woman) would not be alive today. I knew that suicide was on her mind from the get go. She was depressed and looking into the "dark side of the world". I was always involved in her life, no matter how many hours I worked or travelled for my job. I did not care what it took. I brought the child into the world and it was my responsibility to raise her. I have to admit, one day when she was very young, I woke up and asked myself what the hell are you thinking???? A career or raising your child? My decision was probably one that most parents would not make. Mine was my child. If you bring a child into the world, no matter what you think about a career and getting ahead, it is not worth it in the end. Children want their parents, even if they don't think they do. In today's society, we are lucky to have decent children that can grow into someone who the world wants to be around. Yes, they can become something or they can become nothing in this life. But, life is what they make it. We raise them, which is our responsibility as parents, but what they decide to do after we ""have to let go" is their decision.
Make the most out of your parenting because you might not like who shows up on your door step one day...
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