Any of you who have been reading my posts know I love Dr. Phil...one of the few people who actually encourages common sense.
He just had a show about pregnant teens and teen mothers, and boy did this fire up the message boards!
I have to say that I also put in my two cents: I am SO anti-teen pregnancy for SO many reasons. One reason is that I also was a teen mother and I know how hard it was. The difference was that my son's father was the only one I'd ever been with, and we were "in love". It was 1959, I was 15, (16 when he was born) and birth control was a joke...not to mention that my mother never discussed with me the facts of life. I wasn't rewarded, nor did anyone take it lightly when the inevitable happened. It was not okay. My child's father went into the military and we got married, so we didn't have to depend upon our parents for support. But, as too often happens, that was a disaster because we were way too young. (Yes, I do know that there are success stories...but these are not the norm.)
I was absolutely amazed when I read those message boards.....not at how many girls proudly wrote in and said that they had babies at ages 13, 14 and 15.....that was bad enough...but it was so disheartening to see how these girls are so uneducated and ignorant. They cannot express themselves in any intelligent manner, can't spell, (I mean, just about every word was misspelled)...used horrible grammar, couldn't structure a sentence to save their lives, and basically just reaffirmed my opinion of most teenaged mothers today. (Again, I know there are exceptions...but you are not the girls to whom I'm speaking right now.)
These girls posting their comments on the message board were bragging about how early and how often, and how on purpose they got pregnant, (most by different fathers), and they just couldn't understand why it was any kind of big deal. When I expressed my negative opinion about teen pregnancies on the message board I got a lot of flak for it from many of them....they kept saying what great Moms they are and how happy they are to have these kids..blah blah blah, and how dare I be judgmental.
Not ONE of them was out on her own, supporting these kids, nor were the majority of the fathers there in the picture either, so you know that these girls were being supported by their own mothers and were still living at home, and it's the grandmother who's taking care of the babies.
I kept seeing the same immature statements from them: "It doesn't matter if we are 14 or 40, we are just great mothers." and, "Why shouldn't we have babies when we're teens; what difference does it make?" One girl bragged about how she and her boyfriend are just living together, and have been for years, while popping out 4 kids. When I asked her "If this guy is good enough to be the father of your children, why isn't he good enough to marry?" ( Logical question, right? I mean, I really wanted to know)... someone else responded that I was just being "judgmental and mean", and why should it matter to me?
Well, let me tell you teen mothers why it does matter very much: (and, before you throw yourselves around in childish indignation, take an adult moment and listen to what I have to say, and actually give it some thought.)
I'm a grandmother now. I have learned so much down through the years, and would love to maybe make just one girl think before she choses that path for herself or her innocent children.
(And, by the way, I am aware that for every teenage girl who finds herself pregnant, there's a boy who made her that way....but I'm talking to you girls right now because YOU are the ones who wind up with the big bellies and the responsibility of the screaming kids. It is up to you to take the steps to prevent this mess because the sperm donor will be long gone when he hears the bad news.)
So, here goes:
First of all, it matters very much to EVERYONE when you carelessly get pregnant as an immature teenager and have these babies that you think are "so cute" and who you imagine will be "so much fun", because the reality is that these innocent little babies are people, not pets or little dolls you can put away when they annoy you or become inconvenient. They are people....future adults...who will someday grow up and take over the responsibility of contributing to society; for keeping the job market growing; for keeping society running smoothly, for becoming doctors, lawyers and other professionals. They'll be responsible for running companies, holding political offices, and for raising good children of their own some day. How will they have the tools with which to do that if their mother hasn't a clue about how to raise and guide them with any intelligence? It's a 24/7 job to raise children RIGHT....an awesomely difficult job; the most important job you will EVER have in this world--because it affects all of us in this world!! It's not to be taken lightly.
We already have a major decline in intelligence....just look around you. Look at the crap on TV, the sorry state of our political matters; the greed, dishonesty, the I-don't-give-a-darn attitudes; the I'll-do-whatever-I-want and you'd-better-not-judge-me attitudes of too many people.
Who started this liberal garbage of "Oh, no one should judge anyone for anything. Whatever they want to do should just be accepted and supported." That is such crap. If no one should be judged for anything, let's just abolish all laws and the courts and let everyone run wild. I mean, that makes as much sense as that stupid statement.
Let me tell you something: I live in this world, too! This is my world just as much as it is yours and I don't WANT to live in chaos. Do you? Is that really okay with you? (I hear people say it is, but, when push comes to shove and it affects them or someone they love...is it really okay? No. When it affects you, then, I think, it's a different story.) Don't you want a better society for your children that you say you love? Our society has declined so much because too many are afraid to "judge" anyone.
When you carelessly have baby after baby, starting at 13, then I'm sorry, but you need MORE judgment; not less! You need to be held accountable for your stupidity and be made to suffer consequences instead of being rewarded. You need to feel shame for acting like an animal in heat. You need to respect your body and not give it away like a piece of trash to any guy who asks. And if you become pregnant, you need to stop dumping the child on your own mother. She didn't get you pregnant and she's already raised her kids. You make the kid, you be responsible for it. Adult decisions have adult consequences! Figure it out!
I'm tired of seeing my tax dollars going to illigitimate children and their careless, uneducated mothers who contribute absolutely nothing to society, but who want and expect that everything be handed to them just because they made some stupid decisions! You are NOT entitled to be supported by taxpayers and you have no right to drain these resources!
I'm tired of seeing your babies running around in rags, snot dripping out of their noses, whining, crying with hunger, sick, and bouncing off walls with bad behavior because you have no clue how to take care of them, or how to discipline them. Most often too many of you haven't properly been cared for or taught the basics by your own parents. That's sad, because that just keeps it going on down through the generations. But YOU can break that cycle..and wouldn't you like to do that? You can if you will give yourself time to grow up and learn how to make a better life for yourself and your future children before you paint yourself into a corner by becoming pregnant too soon.
I'm tired of seeing news reports of children being abused and killed by their young mothers or the mother's boyfriend because one of you flipped out when reality slapped you in the face and you found out just how hard it really is to be a parent.
I'm tired of seeing jail cells full of adults who were raised by you irresponsible teen mothers who didn't know enough yourselves to properly teach and guide your children when they were growing up. You didn't think of the long range picture when these kids were born, did you? You caused them to fail....and now the rest of society has to deal with them.
I'm heartbroken by all the children who are emotionally destroyed by your bad behaviors because you get bored or lonely and choose to zone out with drugs or alcohol, or allow some piece-of-crap man into your home because you're willing to expose your kids to someone about whom you know nothing, just so you won't be alone....why do you think these same kids are growing up so rebellious and angry when they have to live in the mess you've made? How many times have you heard about some pedophile abusing or killing some woman's children because she's allowed him to move into their home? Don't you know that these men deliberately pick out you young mothers just to get next to your kids? (Think you would know who they are? Think again!) Once again, society has to deal with the aftermath of these kids because you've never known how to do your job as a parent and protect them. Why? Because you became a parent before your brain was finished growing.
With birth control being what it is today, WHY, WHY, WHY are you having unprotected sex and risking not only pregnancy, but STDs.....life threatening diseases, not just something for which you can run to the doctor and get a shot? Birth control is free at Planned Parenthood! There's just no excuse. You want to jump into bed with every guy who asks you, fine...it's stupid, but at least only you and the boy will suffer the consequences. But be unselfish enough to prevent pregnancy, for godsakes. You are making an adult decision when you have sex....so be adult enough to use birth control.
One of the main reasons I'm so against teen pregnancy is because at 13, 14, 15, 16 and 17, you have nothing to offer a child. There's no way you can get any type of job that will support you and your child at any one of those ages, so you will most likely have to live with parents, and probably in a very cramped space. You drop out of school, so there goes your education and a better future..(unless you're smart enough to find a way to continue)...but chances are you haven't been paying attention in school anyway because your mind is on boys.....so you already are behind the eight ball. You don't know anything about geography; you don't know the names of the other countries in the world, much less where they're located. You don't even know the capitals of the states here in the U.S. You haven't a clue about politics or science. You can't read well, if at all, nor do you know how to structure a simple sentence. You can't spell, or speak correctly, and you sure don't know how to hold an intelligent conversation with anyone above the 5th grade level...(but, boy, oh boy, you sure have learned all kinds of ways to have sex. If you put just HALF the energy into your education that you put into sex, you'd be a genius!)
Now, I was blasted on Dr. Phil's message board because, after reading so many of these posts that contained such ignorance, I brought this up. Some little teen mom demanded, in her silly, misspelled words, to know why I thought education was important...."after all", she said, "school doesn't make you love your kids!" This young lady had her first child at age 13, and her second at age 14, both boys. She was so proud of that, and of the fact that she "loves her kids."
My response to her was this: "No. School doesn't make you love your kids...but if you love your kids you will get an education....and here's why: You owe it to your children to become more educated yourself now, while your children are young, because that is a gift to them. You will be their role model and if you are uneducated, how will you be able to teach those two boys, of whom you're so proud, what they need to know as they're growing up, so that when they become men one day they will have a chance at success when it comes time to go out and get a good job that will allow them to support their own families? I can just imagine how demoralizing is would be to a young man, looking for a job, and being turned down because he's perceived as ignorant by the employer. Like it or not, people ARE judged by prospective employers, as well as others...The educated people get the best jobs. If you are ignorant, chances are good that your children will be too because you are unable to teach them any better. Your own education is a gift you give to your children so that you can give them the greatest gifts of all: SELF-RESPECT, PRIDE IN THEMSELVES, INDEPENDENCE, HOPE, AND CONFIDENCE so they can go into the world and contribute something to society. If they don't have a good role model, you are setting them up for failure. (And, by the way, how will you feel in a couple of years when your boys come home from school crying because some bratty kid has made fun of them for not being able to keep up in school?...or worse yet, because someone has made fun of YOU to them? Don't you want your boys to be proud of you? Respect you? Admire you?
"When I had to quit school to have my own son, I made it my mission to continue my education. I read book after book, got my GED, studied college courses, spent a lot of time in the library, mostly in the Reference section, watched educational TV programs, and talked to people who were lucky enough to have a college education so I could learn from them as well. You now have the Internet and can go so many places and learn so much with the click of a mouse. I didn't have that. But, because I never stopped learning, I can hold my own with any college graduate. I started my own sucessful business 18 years ago, without any help from anyone, and my kids are wonderful, all grown up with their own families...and they thank me now for educating myself, and for keeping on them about their own education. You don't have to go to college in order to be educated....but you do owe it to yourself and your children...and society to continue to learn!"
My last words to this young lady were: "The difference between 'ignorant' and 'stupid' is this: Ignorant means you have the capacity to learn, but haven't been given the opportunity. Stupid means you don't have the brainpower to learn anything. Which one are you?"
And now, I ask YOU the same question.
Think about that.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
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3 comments:
You know, this article really hit home with me. My husband's Mother was 16 years old when she had him. Her parents were Irish Catholics and disowned her. They sent her to a family to stay with until she had the baby and they were going to adopt him. It was all arranged. Then my Father-in-law that loved her dearly could not see that happen. He went and rescured her and stood up to her parents and said I love this girl and I want to marry her and want to be with her for the rest of my life. They have now been married for almost 53 years and have had four children since that time. Yes, it was a struggle while they were young, but they raised a wonderful family and always took care of their own children - not grandparents taking care of their children, but them making a living a taking care of their own children. They were raised in the day and age that if you made a baby, you were RESPONSIBLE for that child. My in-laws now have 6 grandchildren and 6 great-grandchildren who they adore, but DO NOT HAVE TO RAISE THEM.
Kids should not be having kids. It is insane. If my own daughter would have come home to me in her teenage years and told me she was pregnant, I would have died. I taught her better than that. I raised her the way a "child/kid" should be raised.
I was 25 years old when I had my child and let me tell you the truth, I was the youngest woman in that maternity ward having a child. I still felt I was too young to have a child. I didn't know if I was mature enough to be a Mother. I wanted to wait until I was in my 30's to have a child, even if then. My career was important to me and learning and growth. But, life brings us gifts at the right time of life. NOT AT 12, 13, 14, 15, etc years old.
Anyone that has any clue out there will tell you, having a child is a struggle. And if you think your parents should raise the child, SHAME ON YOU.
My daughter has two children - small children. She and I had a discussion about Wills and Trusts, etc. It was brought up because I made a new Will and an Irrevocable Trust for my grandchildren. I asked her if something were to happen to her and her husband, who would raise her children? Her reply was "YOU". I looked at her in amazement and said "are you crazy?". I am a Nana, not a Mother any longer. But in all reality, I would probably be the best one out of both sides of their families to raise the girls. I pray to God that that will come.
Although, I do have to say that when my daughter was very young, I sat down with my husband and talked about who would raise our daughter if something were to happen to us (we both traveled on our jobs very often). We decided that his brother and sister-in-law would have custody of our daughter. NOT OUR PARENTS WHO HAD ALREADY RAISED THEIR CHILDREN. His brother and sister-in-law were wonderful people, had a good home, children of their own and were GOOD ADULT parents. Thank God that never had to take place, because we were blessed with life, and a good life I might add. But, if something were to have happened, the chore of raising our child would not have been put on our parents - not on either side of the family.
If you pre-teens and teenage girls out there want "something to love you", try getting a dog or a cat and see if you can ACTUALLY take care of it. If you are stupid enough to have sex at a young age, consider PLANNED PARENTHOOD. They are only a phone call away. Don't make babies that the people of this country that actually have incomes have to support.
Look at yourself and think of Martin Luther King. I HAVE A DREAM. Make the most of your life and think about yourself and a child you would have to raise.
Look at the candidates that are running for the President of the US. No matter what party you vote for, they are well educated people and people who have families. I wonder if any one of them had to ask that Mama or Grandmother to raise their children? Just food for thought. And, I might add, most teenage girls are not even eligible to vote. So you just depend on welfare or whatever to get you by if you have a baby. Personally, I am sick and tired of my tax dollars going to people who are too lazy to get off their butts and work. Yep, just keep having those babies, going on talk shows and making damned fools out of yourself because that is the only way you can get money.
Good Luck young ladies... Make a trip to Planned Parenthood and use condoms as well. STD's are not protected by birth control.
I too have been on the Dr. Phil boards and read the same messages you did on this topic. The majority of the opinions you expressed I agree with, however you spoke of the lack of education of these teen moms and that does bother me. It irritates the living daylights out of me that these young ladies do nothing to further their educations when help is literally thrown at them at no cost. I became pregnant at 17 but not because I didn't use birth control or protection but because it was my first time and I did not know that the pill does not work properly with some antibiotics (I had been sick that week) or that I am allergic to latex which made the condom pointless. My parents insisted on marriage which was a monumental mistake in itself. I pulled myself out of that situation, working two jobs while finishing highschool and living on my own caring for the child I chose to keep. I did not recieve government assistance, paid for my own day care, and did not live in subsidized housing. I later went on to college waiting tables to support myself and my son. It wasn't his fault I had him so young and he deserved all the advantages this world could offer so I busted my butt working to give them to him not standing with my hand out to mommy and daddy or the welfare people begging for money. While I am extremely proud of that I know that had I not had my son so young my life would have been better and later down the road I could have provided much better as an adult than as a child. And yes I do admit that I was still a child. I grew up really quick though with those 3 a.m. colic cries and being at work at 4:30 a.m. In highschool I started a coalition of teen moms who traveled to other highschool speaking out about abstinence, safe sex, and the respondsibility involved in raising a child alone for the most part because it's rare that the father sticks around. I don't advertise my life or paint it pretty for anyone to follow and pray that parents and teens wise up and stop blaming everyone else. It's the respondsibility of the parents, school, church, and teens to be educated on prevention and there's no excuse not to be anymore since it's become very public. I am now 27 years old and my amazing husband, who became an amazing Daddy that he didn't have to be to my son, and I will be celebrating our eighth annivesary, 5 of those years married. We have two exceptional sons who are 10 and 6 as of today who are well adjusted, respectful, and intelligent young boys who strive to excell. Already we have begun discussion with our ten year old on respondsibility for his actions and will continue to as he grows. I pray he learns from my life and takes a better route. Society needs to stop glamorizing bad behavior in our youth and start calling a spade a spade. We stopped at two children (one from a previous relationship and our biological son together) due to medical problems and because we knew that financially it was irrespondsible for us to add another child to our home. I can only hope that others wake up and face reality instead of the fairy tale of teen parenting. Sorry if I have rambled but I felt the need to share and express my own opinions. Thank you for that opportunity.
I often think thatSOME of the responsibility for this epidemic lays at the feet of these teens' MOTHERS!
Why do so many moms allow their daughters to date @ young ages as if they're grown... why do they let them watch (and buy into) the kind of tv shows that teach women that their worth is determined by how many guys want to have sex with them...why do they let them dress like they work the streets at night? After all of that -- why are they surprised at how badly their daughters turn out?
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