CYBER-STUPID

**Sigh**

I never cease to be amazed at the gullibility of people when they get on an Internet dating site.

First of all, why would you want to put all your information out there for so many freaks to see? It's the equivalent of standing naked in the streets with all of your personal information written all over your body in bright red marker ink. You are that vulnerable.

(I'm sure there are some nice people who belong to these dating sites...and I know that there are lots of success stories....and good for all of you who fall into that category. You can probably quit reading this now because it won't apply to you.)

I also am aware that you can meet a man in any other venue, such as a church, or by being introduced by a mutual friend, and it can turn into a disaster...but, at least you have a fighting chance to get a feel for this person because it's a face-to-face meeting.

There are exceptions to every rule; every situation...but I'm not talking about those exceptions today. My intent is to discuss what can..and too often does happen because I want you to think about it.

Despite the success stories, I have to believe that there are many more weirdos who cannot relate on a normal level to the rest of society so they hide behind a made-up persona and prey upon the nice people....translation: the "naive" people. In my opinion, because there are very real risks involved in internet dating, and women are hurt and killed all the time, and you really cannot tell if someone is being honest in their profile, it's too great a risk to take.

You ladies out there....I'm mostly speaking to you because you are usually far greater in number on these sites.....looking for love in all the wrong places. You have this daydream of meeting Mr. Right who's going to fall madly in love with you, marry you immediately, and support you in the style to which you WANT to become accustomed. So you tippity tap the keys and get yourself onto one of these sites, put it all out there, and, before you know it, BAM! You're getting hits from all these wonderful guys who are just drooling to get next to you. Oh, according to them, they are all rich, good-looking, drive brand new Jaguars or Mercedes', never been married, are in their 30's or 40's....not too often past 45. Or, they are divorced, but it's because she didn't understand him or she was a witch, or....whatever. It's never his fault.

"But", you argue," you have to fill out all this information on a questionnaire so it HAS to be accurate!"

Think about that.......NOT! Who's going to check that information someone puts onto that questionnaire? Do you honestly think that there's someone on these sites who sits at their computer and checks out the thousands and thousands of questionnaires that are coming in each day? Come on.

These sites are out to make money. Period. They do not care who joins as long as they get their money. They do not care about you. They do not have time to check out everyone. You are on your own.

Let's play a little game: let's play "Worse Case Scenario":

Let's say you decide to go with it and start up a "relationship" with one or more of the guys who are interested. Then, you concentrate on one because maybe he told just the right lie....(it was easy for him because you, being a woman, have a natural tendency to spill your guts right off the bat, so he already knows enough about you to fill a book. If he's a manipulative, lying sociopath, like too many on those sites are, he will know exactly what to say to you, based on the keys you've given him.)

He tells you he's a doctor.....or lawyer....you fill in the blanks, but it has to be someone who makes lots of money, because he knows "that's what every woman wants". Of course....who wants to live in poverty? Money equals security...and most of you who go to these sites have already been through the wringer one way or another; you're emotionally bruised and battered; you've had your share of losers; maybe you've been divorced and have some kids and are living in pretty meager circumstances, and you're tired of it! (been there...hated it...so I understand.) This guy comes along and knows that if he can offer you financial "security" he will definitely get your attention, so that's the first line he throws out.

Now, let's say he's a pedophile, (and/or a murderer). He's trolling the dating sites, just looking for a woman with children, who's living in these meager circumstances like I've described. And, oh, he's hit paydirt with you, because why? You've told him enough about yourself right off the bat to fill a book, remember? Including the fact that you have kids, their ages, and probably what hobbies they have. So, he throws out line #2: "I just LOVE kids!" And you think, Wow! Isn't that great? And you get all warm and fuzzy inside. (I'll bet his toes curled too, at the thought of your sweet little kids.)

Before you know what hit you, he's talked you into a face-to-face meeting. You're at least smart enough to know that you don't meet a stranger anywhere but in a public place,(aren't you?) so you agree to a restaurant where you meet for dinner.....where you tell him even more about yourself....now we're up to TWO books! And you say, Well, he was so interested in me, and he asked me so many questions, and "I didn't want to be rude." (Here's a clue: BE RUDE! Stop being so darn polite. Women are so ingrained from the time we're little to "be polite". Well, that was then and this is now. You can "polite" yourself into being raped and/or murdered. Just because someone asks you a question, does not mean you are obligated to answer.) Because you've been so polite, he now has all the keys he needs to proceed and turn your life upside down.

How much have you found out about him at this point? Hmmm....I'd be willing to bet it's not nearly as much as he's discovered about you. However, you've been careful not to give him your home address, because that would be stupid at this point, wouldn't it? You may have given him your cell phone number though. That's safe, right?

So, okay, he's told you he drives whatever new car he decides would be fun....where is it? When you leave the restaurant, he's careful to walk you to your car...which happens to be conveniently parked a good distance away from his car....(no matter where you've parked.) And, now he has your license tag number...which will allow him to find out your address! It's public information. Your address will allow him to find your home phone number....reverse directory. Again, public information. So, despite your "cautious" public first meeting, he has your address.....and now, he has access to you AND your children. Nice, huh. But, at this point, you don't know all this, and you drive away thinking "What a nice guy!" And you start fantasizing about where this will lead, and you start practicing the name you'll use when you marry this guy. Meanwhile, he's busy planning just how he'll break into your home and murder all of you.

Alright. Let's back up. Let's say this guy isn't a murderer. He's just your common, every day sociopath con man who's wanting some woman who will give HIM a free ride. You might not be looking for someone to support you; you have a really great income, or you have an inheritance, or you won the lottery...whatever. You're just lonely, but he's told you he's financially secure so you think, "isn't it nice that he has his own money." (Here's another clue: If you are well-off, don't walk into that restaurant dripping jewels and wearing clothes that scream "I'm rich!" Shut up about your income, drive someone else's not-so-nice car and dress way down.)

You've told him where you work; what kind of work you do, or you've given him enough clues that he's figured out you have money.(the truth). He's told you he's a doctor, or lawyer, or whatever says "money". (a lie. If he even has a job, it's probably minimum wage...or else he's still living on money he's already conned out of other lonely women.) You tell him you've never been married, or that you are divorced and you have kids.(the truth). He tells you he's divorced; no kids, and the divorce was all her fault..she ran away to Mexico with the gardner. (a lie. Most likely he's still married with several kids, or, he's divorced because she threw him out after he stole all her money and cheated on her constantly with her best friend, her sister, or her mother!...or other women he's met on the Internet.)

If he's divorced, a con man, and looking for his next victim, he will immediately flatter you, tell you everything you want to hear (and you've given him the keys....remember those two "books" you filled with information about yourself? Coming back to haunt you.) He will start pressuring you to marry him as soon as possible, within days. That's an immediate red screaming alarm. No one can love another person in that short a time. But, tired of being alone, seduced in all ways by a false sense of security, convinced that you are just so irresistable that he is absolutely head over heels in love with you, wanting some stability, or companionship, or a "dad" for your kids....or whatever it is you think this stranger (because, really, how well DO you know him at this point) can bring to your life....you fall down right into the pits of hell and marry him.

Ever hear the expression: "Marry in haste, repent in leisure"? You will learn what that means.

So, now, you're married. You haven't taken the time to find out any real things about him. And he's made sure you never had a moment alone to think or reason or ask questions like: "Uhhh...where's this car you said you have?" NOW you ask. Too late. His response is, "It's in the shop." Then, because he never seems to leave your side, you ask: "Uhhhh...don't you have to go to work today?" His response: "I decided to take some time off....so I can spend it with you." And, because you never checked into his background; just accepted everything he told you and have allowed him to rush you into marriage, you don't think too much about his answers at this point.....not too much...though you're starting to get that little uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach....that instinct we all have, but women don't listen to often enough...because we want to be "polite" and not ask too many rude questions, and make someone think we don't trust them. We don't want to hurt their feelings. (Meanwhile, this person whose feelings WE don't want to hurt is busy plotting the demise of our self-respect, our finances, our identities and everything else we've worked all our lives to aquire so HE can have an easy life.)

(By the way, here's another clue: con men always seem to have their money "tied up" in stocks, bonds, or there's a "glitch at the bank"...some excuse as to why they don't have access to their money, so it's "Hey, honey, could you loan me a few thousand to tide me over for a few days...just until I get the bank straightened out?" And don't be fooled by the fact that he probably gave you jewelry and spent lots of money on you before you were married...that money was a reserve he had just for that purpose and he probably got it from another woman he conned before you.

Your answer better be "NO!" You can smile sweetly while you say it...but you'd better say it! Firmly and with no room for arguement! NEVER, NEVER NEVER give ANY man ANY money for ANYthing. If he really has money, he will always have access to it, no matter what. Again, ladies....red screaming alarm. That's the first clue that he's full of crap. And, if he gets mad at you, or plays the guilt card...and a con man will do both....that's yet another clue.)

The next thing you know, this man you've so foolishly married; this man you barely know, finally removes his mask and everything starts to crumble. You find out he isn't a doctor or whatever, has no money, no job; that everything he's told you about himself is a lie, and he expects you to support him while he lies around all day on the couch.

Or, if you are that woman who is independently wealthy, you are now shocked to find out this man has nothing of his own....and, even worse, is a bigamist, and now he has total access to all your money, credit cards, and whatever else he can find, and before you can say "I've been screwed!" he's down the road and off to the next victim. And, guess what? That's what you get.

I'm sorry, I know that's harsh, but it's true. Deal with it. Remember, YOU wanted to take the easy way out yourself, if you were having financial difficulties. You wanted to believe that he had money so you could relax, so you were driven by greed, just like him. It was only the difference in degrees of greed that set you apart.

And, if you were the independently wealthy woman, even more shame on you because you were downright stupid. You had...(notice I said "had", not "have", because, remember, Mr. Wonderful took all your money) the money to hire a private inventigator to check out this guy's background, if you would have just used common sense and not been so vain as to believe that someone could just fall in love with you at first sight, no matter how beautiful you are. It doesn't happen. REAL love takes time.

Ladies, listen, please: First of all, stay off these dating sites. Don't go into chat rooms, either. But, if you refuse to follow that advice, at the very least, do a complete background check, even, (and especially), a police records check, on any guy you decide to let into your life. Keep him away from your children. Do not allow him into your home until you have checked him out. Do not tell him too much about yourself or your children. Get as much information from him as possible and verify it. If any little thing doesn't check out, if you catch him in just one tiny lie, the red alarms should go off. Don't accept any lame explanations just because you don't want to believe he's a slimeball. (If you have the money, hire a private detective.) Don't be afraid to hurt his feelings....IF HE HAS NOTHING TO HIDE, HE WILL HIDE NOTHING.

Get to know him very slowly, a little at a time. That means STAY OUT OF THE BEDROOM. Have enough self-respect to think of yourself as a treasure that you don't just give away to someone just because they want it. They need to earn that. If he pressures you in any way, again, red alarm time. This shows disrepect for your wishes.

The most important thing I can leave you with is this: These men think women are stupid...don't prove them right! Protect yourself...and your children, if you have any. No man is worth losing everything for. Take your time getting to know him. Do not take anything he tells you at face value. Get proof. Listen to your instincts; do not override them just to avoid hurting someone's feelings. We live in the Internet age where people's information is readily available. And, if you have to pay a few dollars to access that information, it's money well-spent because you and your children's safety, well-being, and possibly your lives are at stake. Be smart!

And remember: IF SOMETHING SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE...IT MOST LIKELY IS.