There may be an immediate physical attraction, and that's nice...for awhile. But that alone doesn't keep people together over the long haul; not without other things to add to the mix .(What else do you do for fun? Where do you go together? What are your hopes, dreams, goals for the future?) Have you given up those hope, dreams and goals because you've been making bad choices since you were a teenager and now find yourself in a pit?
You don't have to stay there.
The purpose of this article is to get young women to think before they get there, and to give older women some insight about how to prevent another mistake.
It starts, I believe, with teen girls who haven't a clue about what real love is, and don't really have any good role models. They've been left to their own devices because parents are gone too much or are disconnected from each other and their children. They lose their self-confidence and self-esteem. They turn to the Internet to find virtual cyber-friends instead of forming close bonds with real people in their surroundings. There's no one to guide or encourage them. No one to sit down with them and help to figure out who they are or what they want in life...and then listen to them! they become rootless and groundless, just drifting..ripe for taking any path that comes along. And what usually comes along is the "bad boy", who has his own agenda....but no one has warned them so they don't have the tools to see what's ahead. He listens, it seems. (It STARTS there....but, then it carries on as we get older and the pattern keeps repeating..and that's when we get into real trouble.)
I think that's why we are so willing and eager to "take in strays" and want to "rescue" the biggest butt-head within a 5 mile radius; the one with no job (and no interest in getting one); the one who drinks too much, or does drugs, or who smokes like a chimney (even when we don't). It's why we will choose the one who runs around on us and whom we've caught in a dozen lies; the one who abuses us...and worse yet, we will toss out the REALLY great guy in favor of this loser because maybe the "bad boy" is cuter, or we consider the really great guy boring! What kind of pretzel logic is that?
Having no sense of direction, young girls are too often discouraged from realizing their own dreams...IF they even bother to give themselves enough time to figure out what those dreams are...
First of all: have a plan for your future. By that I mean ask yourself what you want for yourself; where you see yourself in five years, ten years. Sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and write it down. There's nothing like seeing things in black and white to help you see things in black and white!
Now, put down what kind of work you would like to do...what is your passion? Is it art? Theater? Would you like to work in the medical field? Maybe you love science or geography. Maybe the thought of going on an archaeological dig excites you...you can picture yourself out there in the desert, digging up prehistoric bones, making a major discovery. Or maybe in Egypt exploring an Egyptian tomb and finding treasures. Really give it some serious thought, and then write down each thing that appeals to you.
Then, write down your strong points. What are you really good at? Something maybe several people have told you.....creative writing, maybe? Are you quick with figures? Do you excel in sports? Do you have a knack for working with people? Write these things down too.
Now, because there's always two sides to every person and we all have our weak points....decide what yours are. And please....nothing physical! You don't like the color of your hair, or you think your feet are too big....no. That's not allowed in this exercise because your physical appearance has nothing to do with what we are talking about. That stuff doesn't count.
What I want is for you to find out what is inside you; maybe things you never told another person about what your hopes and dreams are. Who are you, really?
Okay, now you should have a sort of picture of what you want your future to look like. Next, you have to figure out how to get there...and this requires tunnel vision: Depending what your answers were to the above questions, you then decide what steps are needed to get there, you start by taking the first step, and then you don't take your focus off those steps until you reach your goals! Think about your goals and say them out loud to yourself before you get out of bed, every day, without fail. Think about them as you shower and brush your teeth. Picture yourself reaching those goals.
Now, put down what kind of work you would like to do...what is your passion? Is it art? Theater? Would you like to work in the medical field? Maybe you love science or geography. Maybe the thought of going on an archaeological dig excites you...you can picture yourself out there in the desert, digging up prehistoric bones, making a major discovery. Or maybe in Egypt exploring an Egyptian tomb and finding treasures. Really give it some serious thought, and then write down each thing that appeals to you.
Then, write down your strong points. What are you really good at? Something maybe several people have told you.....creative writing, maybe? Are you quick with figures? Do you excel in sports? Do you have a knack for working with people? Write these things down too.
Now, because there's always two sides to every person and we all have our weak points....decide what yours are. And please....nothing physical! You don't like the color of your hair, or you think your feet are too big....no. That's not allowed in this exercise because your physical appearance has nothing to do with what we are talking about. That stuff doesn't count.
What I want is for you to find out what is inside you; maybe things you never told another person about what your hopes and dreams are. Who are you, really?
Okay, now you should have a sort of picture of what you want your future to look like. Next, you have to figure out how to get there...and this requires tunnel vision: Depending what your answers were to the above questions, you then decide what steps are needed to get there, you start by taking the first step, and then you don't take your focus off those steps until you reach your goals! Think about your goals and say them out loud to yourself before you get out of bed, every day, without fail. Think about them as you shower and brush your teeth. Picture yourself reaching those goals.
A very wise person said: "The Longest Journey Begins With Just One Step."
There will be many things and many people that will cross your path and try to set you in a different direction. This is where the tunnel vision comes in. You must want your dream more than anything else in the world...enough to avoid situations that could keep you from reaching the goals you've set for yourself. You have to love yourself enough to know you deserve to reach those goals. You must respect yourself, and you have to consider your mind and your body as treasures which are not to be given away to anyone before you reach those goals. Anyone who would demand these treasures from you and put you at risk of losing your dreams does NOT love you! And, something else to think about: a man should not be your ultimate goal! You do not need a man to define you. First, become all you can be and then you can look around for someone to ADD to your already fulfilled life. You will have so much more to offer then.
You OWE it to yourself, and your future family, to be the best person you can become so that you have something to offer this family some day. You need time to grow, educationally, spiritually, emotionally. You need time to find out who YOU are before you can figure out who you want to be with. You need time to experience things; the world and all the wonderful things in it.
When you stunt your growth by making really ignorant decisions that will affect you (and lots of other people, too, by the way) you rob not only yourself, but any future children you may bring into your life. The more book and life education you can acquire, the more you can teach your children. And, the more you will be ready to actually settle down and be serious about a life-long marital commitment! With the divorce rate at 60% right now, it takes a lot of hard work to keep it together. Knowledge is always power! Wisdom comes with age. Every year that goes by that you stay away from bad decisions, is one year closer to a stronger, happier, healthier you. Heck, our brains don't even stop growing until we are well into our 20's...and the last part of our brain to mature is the part we use for reasoning. That's a biological fact!
Another good pen and paper exercise is to write down what you want in a husband some day. And, again, this has nothing to do with physical appearance. Looks do NOT make a good husband and father! (It's human nature to be attracted to pretty people...but learn to look past physical appearances. Beauty fades, but a beautiful heart and soul just get more beautiful as time passes!) Here are some hints: *He should be mature enough to at least have some of his own ideas about what he wants in life. * He should have some education, or active plans in the works towards securing some kind of decent future so he can support a family...maybe a solid plan for starting up his own business, for example. These two things alone are extremely rare in any guy who's less than 22 or 23 years old. (And, yes, I know there are exceptions so I don't want to hear from you out there who know this person or that who just was so perfect at age 18! You and I both know that IS the exception, not the norm, and we aren't even going to go there. We have to deal with the reality of the norm; not exceptions.)
This man you choose should be of a calm nature, and REAL importantly, LIKE himself and be secure about his own place in the world. (I don't mean he should be conceited...liking yourself because you are a truly good person isn't being vain). He should not be a player who thinks he's God's gift to women. Humility is good. A sense of humor is always a major plus. Kindness and compassion are winners.
There will be many things and many people that will cross your path and try to set you in a different direction. This is where the tunnel vision comes in. You must want your dream more than anything else in the world...enough to avoid situations that could keep you from reaching the goals you've set for yourself. You have to love yourself enough to know you deserve to reach those goals. You must respect yourself, and you have to consider your mind and your body as treasures which are not to be given away to anyone before you reach those goals. Anyone who would demand these treasures from you and put you at risk of losing your dreams does NOT love you! And, something else to think about: a man should not be your ultimate goal! You do not need a man to define you. First, become all you can be and then you can look around for someone to ADD to your already fulfilled life. You will have so much more to offer then.
You OWE it to yourself, and your future family, to be the best person you can become so that you have something to offer this family some day. You need time to grow, educationally, spiritually, emotionally. You need time to find out who YOU are before you can figure out who you want to be with. You need time to experience things; the world and all the wonderful things in it.
When you stunt your growth by making really ignorant decisions that will affect you (and lots of other people, too, by the way) you rob not only yourself, but any future children you may bring into your life. The more book and life education you can acquire, the more you can teach your children. And, the more you will be ready to actually settle down and be serious about a life-long marital commitment! With the divorce rate at 60% right now, it takes a lot of hard work to keep it together. Knowledge is always power! Wisdom comes with age. Every year that goes by that you stay away from bad decisions, is one year closer to a stronger, happier, healthier you. Heck, our brains don't even stop growing until we are well into our 20's...and the last part of our brain to mature is the part we use for reasoning. That's a biological fact!
Another good pen and paper exercise is to write down what you want in a husband some day. And, again, this has nothing to do with physical appearance. Looks do NOT make a good husband and father! (It's human nature to be attracted to pretty people...but learn to look past physical appearances. Beauty fades, but a beautiful heart and soul just get more beautiful as time passes!) Here are some hints: *He should be mature enough to at least have some of his own ideas about what he wants in life. * He should have some education, or active plans in the works towards securing some kind of decent future so he can support a family...maybe a solid plan for starting up his own business, for example. These two things alone are extremely rare in any guy who's less than 22 or 23 years old. (And, yes, I know there are exceptions so I don't want to hear from you out there who know this person or that who just was so perfect at age 18! You and I both know that IS the exception, not the norm, and we aren't even going to go there. We have to deal with the reality of the norm; not exceptions.)
This man you choose should be of a calm nature, and REAL importantly, LIKE himself and be secure about his own place in the world. (I don't mean he should be conceited...liking yourself because you are a truly good person isn't being vain). He should not be a player who thinks he's God's gift to women. Humility is good. A sense of humor is always a major plus. Kindness and compassion are winners.
Watch to see how he treats his Mother..that may sound funny, but, usually, the way a man treats his Mother tells you volumes about how he feels towards women in general, and will give you a clue about how he probably will treat you. On the other hand, you don't want a Mama's boy, either. Clingy men are insecure and will turn out to be more of a burden than you may want to deal with. Don't mistake his clinging to you, or jealousy towards anyone else who takes up any of your time, (such as friends or family), for love. This is NOT love; don't be flattered or fooled by it. This is dependence and there's a huge difference. Keep in mind that it's not a good indicator of maturity if this grown man...late 20's, early 30's...is still living at home where Mommy does everything for him, either. What that will tell you is that he will expect you to take Mommy's place if you are silly enough to marry him. A REAL man will leave home as soon as he's of age and be anxious to get out there in the world and make his own life! Living at home after a certain age should make a real man uncomfortable.
Your list should also include "Morals". You want someone who will not step on others to get where he wants to go. Kindness to animals is real important...that says a lot about a person. Spirituality is very important as well...that's something that I believe is important for both of you to have. And it's nice if he doesn't have addictions....to anything...gambling, the Internet, drugs, alcohol, porn, etc. It's pretty hard to have a successful marriage if your husband's first love is an addiction.
And to further complicate things, you become so quickly involved with this person to whom you're so physically attracted, you forget to sit down and have the basic conversations you MUST have before walking down the aisle....like: "What religion are you? What are your beliefs regarding religion? Do you want children, and, if so, how many? And how soon? How do you think our children should be raised? How do you think they should be disciplined? How do you think money should be handled? Are you a spender or a saver? Where do you want to live....country or city? How important is family to you...(parents, siblings, etc)? How do you feel about divorce? Is it something you would immediately consider if things got tough?
If this man you're so crazy about is uncomfortable talking about these issues, or doesn't really discuss them with you...just gives you one or two word answers...you can pretty much count on things going wrong quickly. The same goes for if his answers are the opposite of yours. Opposites may attract, but if you don't have the same value system the marriage is pretty much doomed.
Your list should also include "Morals". You want someone who will not step on others to get where he wants to go. Kindness to animals is real important...that says a lot about a person. Spirituality is very important as well...that's something that I believe is important for both of you to have. And it's nice if he doesn't have addictions....to anything...gambling, the Internet, drugs, alcohol, porn, etc. It's pretty hard to have a successful marriage if your husband's first love is an addiction.
And to further complicate things, you become so quickly involved with this person to whom you're so physically attracted, you forget to sit down and have the basic conversations you MUST have before walking down the aisle....like: "What religion are you? What are your beliefs regarding religion? Do you want children, and, if so, how many? And how soon? How do you think our children should be raised? How do you think they should be disciplined? How do you think money should be handled? Are you a spender or a saver? Where do you want to live....country or city? How important is family to you...(parents, siblings, etc)? How do you feel about divorce? Is it something you would immediately consider if things got tough?
If this man you're so crazy about is uncomfortable talking about these issues, or doesn't really discuss them with you...just gives you one or two word answers...you can pretty much count on things going wrong quickly. The same goes for if his answers are the opposite of yours. Opposites may attract, but if you don't have the same value system the marriage is pretty much doomed.
Look, any marriage, any relationship is a crap shoot. You don't know what's down the road, but you can sure increase your chances of success if you will just wait until you are old enough to have had some life experiences and some education, and to figure out who you are first so that you can make mature, intelligent decisions about who you want to add to your life. You should know ahead of time what you want in a mate, and stay away from the type of loser who will take you down with him. Surround yourself with goal-oriented people, not drifters.
I have too often seen beautiful, college educated, intelligent, successful women who have built a great life for themselves and lose it all because they fall for some worthless parasite who wouldn't know what a job was if it jumped up and hit them in the face! I have seen these same women, who have worked for years building their own good lives, get sucked into an abusive, controlling, soul-destroying relationship by these men who are so good at conning; saying and doing whatever it takes to get their own needs met. I've seen these women go from happy and confident to sad, miserable little creatures with all the self-esteem beaten out of them...and when asked asked why they stay with this monster, they all say the same thing: "Because I love him!" I used to do volunteer work trying to help abused women and I heard this all the time. I would ask them just what there was to "love" about these men and I never did get a straight answer. I finally had to quit trying to help them; it was like spitting into the ocean. No one can help someone who refuses to help themselves.
One last thing: once you find someone who passes the above tests, and you decide to go ahead with the marriage....please try not to get crazy and carried away with the WEDDING ceremony and forget that what's most important is the MARRIAGE! Don't blow a huge amount of money on a one-day thing...wouldn't you rather save that money for a nicer honeymoon, and then bank some so that occasionally you can take a weekend trip to a mountain or beach cabin, or a cabin in the woods, just the two of you? And do you really want to start your marriage deeply in debt? The number one cause of divorce is money! Think about that.
The things which will make you the happiest and most content have no price tag!
1 comment:
What you said about setting a goal for how you want your life to look -- boundaries you won't cross and values you won't betray --- That is KEY! More parents need to teach this to their children (and MODEL IT for them!)
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