BEFORE YOU SAY "I DO" (linked to Dr.Phil)

We are getting into the wedding season and I know a lot of young women are planning these huge, huge weddings with all the bells and whistles, and going into major debt to realize the dream that maybe they've had since they were little girls.

There's a show on TV called "Bridezillas" which glorifies the spoiled little bride brat and seems to make it fine to act like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum. I have to admit that sometimes I watch it just for laughs...but, really, when you think about it, it's not funny at all. Also, there's another show called "Say Yes To The Dress"...which is about this fancy bridal dress salon in New York that caters to the bridezilla and tries to sell her the most expensive dress in the place...and I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Well I don't care how much money it costs, I WANT it!" Some of these dresses cost upwards of $15,000! Think about that: $15,000 + for some dress you will only wear on ONE day for a few hours!!
It absolutely boggles my mind! It's not like you can ever wear it anywhere else for any other occasion! Do you know what other great things can be done with $15,000? You could buy a car or put a down payment on a house! Or, it could pay your rent on a pretty nice place for a year! That would be $1,250.00 a month...you can get a decent place for that....just the price of your dress alone.

Okay. Then, there's the ring. I'm not sure what the average cost of a ring big enough to satisfy a bridezilla is these days...but, I know it's several thousand dollars...maybe even running a close second to that $15,000 dress. Whatever happened to a modest diamond and a little gold band? When did that stop being good enough?

Then, of course, you have to have a really good (read "expensive") photographer, right? And don't forget the fancy invitations....(which will wind up in the trash.)

Add onto all these things the cost of the cake...which can be absolutely ridiculous.....the place where the wedding is held, the cost of the person who performs the ceremony, the reception with all the many details like the disc jockey, or band or orchestra, the caterer, the food, drinks, including alcohol, (so that there's a good chance at least a few people can get stupid, act like fools and ruin the reception that cost a fortune), the decorations/flowers for both the location of the wedding, for the bride and all the attendants, and for the reception.

I know there are dozens of expenses I haven't even listed here..but, you get my drift.

There's another TV show called "My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding" that shows really crazy people who spend over a million dollars on something that lasts for one day and a few little hours. I can't even wrap my mind around that! (The sorry thing is, I wonder just how many of these marriages last?) Besides that, how many times have you heard about so many things going wrong and ruining the wedding or reception? Some of the best marriages have had a wedding day that was a whole comedy of disasters! Yet, too many of you think you will just curl up and DIE if anything goes wrong, and you put so much stress on yourself, your groom, and everyone else involved in the wedding that you are a total mess on your day and wind up remembering very little about it!

What you girls should be thinking about is the MARRIAGE....not just the wedding.

Did you actually get to know your intended...I mean really get to know him BEFORE you agreed to marry? Or, are you marrying him because "he's just so cute!" Have you sat down with him and discussed important issues? And I don't mean what color tux he will wear at the wedding, or any of the other minor details. I'm talking about issues that will affect the lives of both of you as well as any children you may have.

Have you discussed religion? (do you have the same views; do you agree on the importance of it in your lives?)

What do you expect from each other regarding sex?

Children? (Whether or not that's something you both want; how many? How close together? Do you agree on birth control methods? If you both work, how do you feel about child care providers? How much do you expect from your husband as far as helping to take care of the children? Are you prepared for the financial, physical, and emotional strain that children will put on the marriage? What are your views regarding discipline? Do you agree on how you will handle that?)

If this is not the first marriage and there are children involved, it's even MORE important to discuss the subject of discipline because a step-parent has no right to just jump in and take over. That will cause a whole lot of resentment in children who are over the age of 3! As a step-parent you will have to walk a fine line. You want respect, but remember: respect has to be earned. You all have to get to really know each other before you blend your families! Statistics tell us that second marriages have an even greater chance of failure...and it goes down with each successive marriage. I know that's discouraging...but it's the truth and you have to deal with what IS, not what you want it to be.

Have you discussed money issues? (how it's managed? Is one of you a saver and the other a spender? Is either one of you bringing a large debt into the marriage? Do you know each other's credit scores? This can become really important when it's time for a large purchase like a house or a car, and can cause a lot of resentment if the credit history of one of you causes a hardship.) The number one cause of divorce is money issues...so get it all out in the open and deal with it before you take the walk down the aisle.

Where do you want to live? (city or out in the country? condo? house? Southwest? Midwest? etc.)

How do you feel about household chores? (Willing to share equally or do you have old-fashioned ideas where it's "the woman's place?...which is fine if you BOTH agree.) What about cooking meals? How important is a clean house to both of you? Is one of you a slob and the other a neat freak?

How's your communication? (Do you talk to each other...really talk? Can you discuss ANYthing, or do either of you have to walk on eggshells to keep the other from blowing up?
And how DO you handle anger?

How does your intended treat others? Is he kind to animals? How does he treat his Mother? These are all indicators of how he will treat you!

Do you REALLY trust each other? I mean, do you feel a sense of peace with each other deep within your heart and soul? Or, is that little inner voice that we all have (and ignore too often) picking at you, telling you that something is wrong? Have either of you accused the other of flirting, or at looking at others, or do you constantly worry about each other whenever you're apart? Usually, if there's suspicion, there's a good reason for it. Don't ignore that inner voice just because it hurts you to listen....it'll hurt you more in the long run if you don't!

DO YOU EACH LOVE YOURSELVES AS WELL AS EACH OTHER? This may sound like a funny question...but, think about it. What kind of baggage are you going to bring into this marriage? If either of you thinks of yourselves as a piece of garbage, then that person probably won't believe anyone else can really love them either, which will make them insecure and suspicious, and which will then make them so needy that the marriage will become a soul-sucking JOB instead of a partnership. Get yourself right before you add a partner into the mix. And don't take on someone who is messed up.

How serious are you willing to take these vows you will be saying? "In sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer until death do you part"? Will you actually mean them....or are they just words you have to say to get through the ceremony? Have you thought about the meaning of those words?

THIS IS KEY....AND YOU BETTER SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IT: Do either of you have any addictions? Alcohol, drugs, porn, the Internet, shopping, gambling? It's pretty hard to have a good, solid marriage when your first love is an addiction. Better call it off if that's the case because addictions do not fix themselves and YOU can't fix the other person!

Do you TRULY like your intended...or do you have problems with some major character flaws but you're convinced they will just magically disappear with your tender loving care after you are married? Better be brutally honest about this one! (Women are way too apt to think like this. "I just love him so much that he will fall right into step as soon as we're married. I can fix him.") You can't.

Do you respect each other? Do you feel truly valued as a person; liked and loved, and accepted for yourself as you are now? (Or, have you heard...or said..."after we're married, I will expect you to .........?)

Ladies, in your relationship, has this man you've chosen mesh your life with isolated you in any way? Does he seem possessive? Jealous of time you spend with others.....even family? This is a major warning sign! Do not mistake these traits for "love". This is not love; this is a forewarning to abuse.

And here's something you may not have thought of: In what kind of homes did each of you grow up? And how has it affected you as a person, and the kinds of choices you make in a partner? By this I mean, if you, as a woman, have grown up with an abusive, alcoholic father, do you tend you pick the same kind of man to get involved with? If this is true, then you need to take a step back and deal with these types of issues FIRST before you let someone into your life....especially if you find yourself accepting this behavior from others.

The divorce rate is currently around 60%. Don't set yourselves up for failure by neglecting the important, ongoing issues and concentrating on just the wedding ceremony. Keep the whole thing simple. It can be beautiful, peaceful and loving without being over-the-top expensive. Save your money for a nicer honeymoon, or a cushion to fall back on if either of you should lose your job...which, in this economy, is a very real threat! Save it so that you can go on a little romantic weekend every so often....a cabin in the woods, or at the beach...or in the mountains. Or a really nice dinner out together, candlelight and all.

Don't forget to set aside at least one day, maybe every two weeks, as a "date night (or day)". Doesn't matter where you go....a movie; a walk in the park; a picnic....just go someplace together and get away from everything....and talk! Refresh and reconnect. Have fun and laugh...don't ever forget to laugh!

Don't become another statistic.