APPRECIATING OUR LIVES

Today is Sunday, so I was watching one of my favorite TV shows: "Sunday Morning".

One of the segments was about the now 70 year old play called "Our Town", which is probably one of the most produced plays there is, and, I think, most of us are familiar with it. I personally have never seen it, for some odd reason.

At the end of this play, one of the main characters, Emily Gibbs, dies in childbirth and is allowed to come back for just one day...a day of her choice..any day of her life. She chooses her 12th birthday. She sees her mother cooking and hears her father's voice....

For some reason, this immediately brought tears to my eyes because I had to wonder: if I were given that choice, what day would I choose? What day out of the now 67 years of my life would I choose? How could anyone make that choice? I can't. Can you?
Oh, I would love to spend another day with my mom and dad...(and all those loved ones who have passed on! But to pick ONE day? Impossible!

I have been fortunate to have too many days that have been really, really extraordinary and happy to be able to pick one over another!

And it's impossible to "appreciate every moment of your life"...as the host of Sunday Morning said: "you'd be doing nothing else but being a spectator in your own life because you'd be too busy analyzing each moment".

Nevertheless, too often we get caught up in negative details; you know...the ones that irritate us and make us feel sorry for ourselves...the ones that push out the more numerous happy moments, those ordinary ones which don't get our attention and that we seem to take for granted.

Some days I just find myself outside on a beautiful sunny day, turning my face up towards the sun and loving the feel of the warmth on my skin. Or smelling the wonderful, fresh fragrance of the earth after it rains. I love autumn when the leaves are brilliant on the ground and on the trees...there's something about the light at that time of year that is so special. Being an artist, I notice things like that.
I love windy days, and thunder and lightning, too.

And spending time with my children and grandchildren are at the top of the list! My grandchildren range in age from 24 years old down to 3 years old and they are all so wonderfully bright and funny and interesting! Each one of them, all five, always have something interesting and insightful to say, and listening to them is such fun.

We tend to take so many of the ordinary things of our lives for granted...until they aren't there. One lesson I learned recently was how I took the simple act of walking for granted...until I had a total knee replacement surgery and for 5 months I could not walk. It was humbling, for sure!
I was in a physical rehab facility for more than 2 1/2 of those months...during which time spring came...and went...and summer began. When I at last came home it was June and the trees at my house, which were just beginning to show the tiniest bit of green when I left in April were in full leaf, and flowers, which I didn't even know were in my yard (I'd moved in here in the dead of winter at the beginning of February) were in full bloom. It was a surreal experience! I barely recognized my house. I felt as if I'd been gone for years!

My children were wonderful through the whole miserable recovery period. It's now September, 5 months after the surgery, and I am just recently able to walk, after much therapy, with a slight limp, (which, hopefully, will eventually disappear)....and I just started driving again a week ago...something else I had taken for granted! For someone as independent as I have always been, it was indescribably hard for me to depend upon anyone else for anything...and yet, I had to learn to "let them bless me", as my youngest daughter has a habit of saying.

I learned just how lucky I am to have the children I do...and I appreciate them more than words can say, and every day we spend together is precious!

So.....can you pick one day you'd like to live over again? If so, my hat's off to you...I can't!

A GENTLE REMINDER...

Well, this is a record....writing in this blog again so soon....but, my last blog was a bit down and I'm over that now...as always, I bounce back.

I whine sometimes about missing New Mexico...and, I do miss it....but, then I get a gentle reminder about why I came back here.

Today my youngest daughter called on me to take her and my littlest granddaughter to the pediatrician. Little Lili was sick, poor baby and my daughter didn't have her van today. My 13 year old granddaughter, Elaina, came along, too.

When we were finished I wanted to take them to a Chinese buffet for dinner, but Lili was so sick and Janeen decided to just go straight home with her.

Kind of on the spur of the moment when I dropped them off at home, I decided to take Elaina and go to the restaurant. We don't get much time together and I thought it would be fun.
It was.
She's delightful, interesting, intelligent, thoughtful, loving, kind and loooooooves animals, especially dogs. As we were sitting there eating, I asked her what she wanted to do someday as a career. Without hesitation she said she wanted to train dogs.
I can't think of anything she'd be better suited for, as she has a genuine knack with dogs and they respond well to her.

We discussed at great length the care and training of dogs and it was wonderful listening to her.....her beautiful blue eyes just lit up and I had to smile at her enthusiasm about her favorite subject. Any dog who gets her as their trainer is in for a treat!

As we talked, I realized ....once again....why I came back here to Ohio, and how lucky I am that I had something priceless to come back to!

My children and my grandchildren are why I came back. Even if I was a millionaire and could go back to NM, I would not because my family are here and I could not imagine being away from them...especially during the Holidays when we all get together....but, even days like today when I was here when my daughter needed me, or on days when my oldest daughter stops by just to say hi and spends a little time, or my son and I get together at our favorite restaurant for lunch.....simple, everyday things like that; those things that make life worthwhile; those priceless moments that all too often aren't fully appreciated unless you don't have them anymore....and we all know how suddenly that can be taken away.

The having-to-move thing? A minor irritation, as important as a drop of water in the ocean. Not having my family around? A genuine tragedy!

Tomorrow is promised to no one....I learned that lesson a long time ago....so let's never forget that we only have this moment and let's not waste time whining about the stupid, small things that pass in a flash.

I will make my new house a home....just like I did with the house I'm in now....just like I always do, and I will be grateful that I have a place to lay my head at night that is warm, safe and comfortable when there are so many who don't have that luxury.
And I will continue to be grateful that I have my wonderful family close by to brighten up my home!

Thanks again for the gentle reminder, Lord.

CHANGES, CHANGES

Well, it's been so long since I wrote anything in this blog....time has a way of slipping away before you know it.

I'm glad Christmas is over! Although I love it, it's stressful...which, really, if we kept to the real reason for the season, it shouldn't be....but, that's a subject for another time.

Just before Christmas I got notification that I have to move from my home where I've been the past 9 1/2 years. My landlady had decided to sell this place and decided to do so at the worst possible time of year, (I mean, come ON! It's the dead of winter and miserable out) so I've been scrambling like a fool to find a new place (which, with the help of God, I did right away) then start the huge job of sorting through stuff, throwing and giving away that which I don't need, shredding old papers....you know the drill.

I've moved so many times I'm a pro at it....but, that doesn't mean I like it..and it's never easy!

I've learned over the years after many moves that you don't collect junk, you keep your closets cleaned out, don't clutter up your basement...in other words, make it easy on yourself when it comes time to make a change and "get outta Dodge".

I was upstairs just a little while ago, cleaning out my office...definitely a challenge...and came across some photos that I keep in there because I like to look at them often. I picked up one that was of my back yard at my old house in Albuquerque, New Mexico...and...I don't know...it just triggered something and I started crying.
Up until then I pretty much have kept my emotions in check. I mean, I've been through so many changes in my life, and have had to flip a 180 so many times that I have learned to roll with it and move on without too much freaking out.

When I found out I had to move...(about a week before Christmas isn't the best time to get this type of news)....I allowed myself about 10 minutes of freak-out time and then I started planning and making lists. This is how I cope. I'm a great list-maker because it puts things in focus and allows me to figure out the first step in any journey. Step one, obviously, was to find a new place to live...and I did that, as I said, within days with a bunch of help from Above. That just fell into place.

Then I called the phone company and arranged for transfer of services at the new place. That done, I started going through things and doing the sorting.

Last night, I took pictures off the walls, cleaned them and packed all the little knic knacs on the shelves and fireplace mantle. Now, there's something about that process that puts it into your mind that, okay, this is really happening; there's something final about bare walls and no knic knacs that suddenly takes away a lot of the personality of your home. Suddenly, it looks sad and empty already. Doesn't matter that all your furniture and clothing are still there and that you're still sleeping there....those bare walls say something loud and clear: you are not living here anymore.

Today, I took some filler compound and filled in all the holes where I'd hung pictures. Click, click, click.....things are moving right along and I'm patting myself on the back for being so organized and efficient ....and then I just fell apart when I found that picture. I can't even really say why that triggered the tears..except that I miss NM terribly...and I guess that photo was a reminder of how many times I've had to move and how many changes I've endured, and here we go again.

What's it like to be secure? I don't really know. There's only two times in my life when I can remember feeling secure: When I was a child up until age 12. (Then we moved to California and everything turned to crap.) The next time was when I moved to NM. I felt so at peace there; it was life-changing and the best thing I ever did for myself. That lasted for 6 years. So, out of 66 years on this earth, I've only felt secure a total of 18.
I've never owned my own home...mainly because I've never wanted to. My life was always too chaotic, too uncertain and owning a house would have been a huge burden and a chain around my neck.
So now here I am at age 66, having to uproot myself yet again and start all over once more. I'm just too old for this crap, you know? Enough already!

I'm trying to be positive. There are good things about the new place: no stairs, for one. Meandthedog know that stairs are not our friends! She's almost 15 and I can see her struggling each night when we climb the stairs up to our room.

The new place is smaller, but it has a bigger kitchen...this kitchen I have now has always been a pain because it's so tiny. But, I will miss this house. It's comfortable and familiar.

Pros and cons....you have to pick what's important and concentrate on that.

You have to roll with it.

I'm doing my best.

TIME FOR CREATIVITY

Well, once again it's been ages since I've written anything. Mostly it's been apathy, I guess.

Since I've retired...or, I should say semi-retired, since although I don't go out and work anymore, I still run my business from my home office...I too often found myself flopped down on my couch watching the Boob Tube all day....and I mean ALL day! Mindless, brain-numbing crap, for the most part.

I refuse to watch commercials (I have DVR and record all programs automatically that I want to watch, which enables me to zip past the intelligence insulting garbage in about 5 seconds)...but some of the programs aren't much better.

Anyway, I woke up one day and decided that enough was enough and I had to shake myself out of this apathetic nonsense, so I went out and bought a canvas and some acrylic paints, and I did two paintings, photos of which I've put at the top of this posting.

I am an artist. I have been since I was a child, but I'm not the type of artist that feels compelled to paint constantly and in great quantities. I will paint for awhile, maybe two or three paintings, and then won't do any for years. When I lived in New Mexico I was probably the most active; it is an inspiring place, perfect for an artist. Since I came back to Ohio in 1995, I hadn't picked up a paintbrush until the beginning of this year, even though I had one particular subject in mind for years. The photo you see at the top of this post is of that painting. (The bottom photo is of the Taos Pueblo, a 4' x 5' monster that I did for my youngest daughter, special order.) :)

I wanted to do something involving an old trailer park...I have no idea where that came from....but it haunted me ever since I first came back here to Ohio from New Mexico. My youngest daughter Janeen and I drove around one day in the not-so-nice part of town finding old parks and taking pictures of the rattiest trailers and broken down cars. I wanted the painting to have a feeling of the 1940's, and a bit of desolation,I wanted it to be in the desert, and I wanted the name of the trailer park to be "Sunset Trailer Park".

I had a sort of idea in mind of how I wanted it to look, but when I began to paint it, the brush may have been in my hand, but it took on a life of its own and I found myself just along for the ride.

I had no title in mind while I was working on it, and when it was all finished, I looked at it for awhile and knew the only title that would fit was "Her Dad's Guardian".

The man in the painting is a nod to my deceased ex-husband, and the dog is my own sweet little Poppy who loved him and followed him everywhere...she was his guardian. She was probably the only being in his life who loved him absolutely unconditionally...as our dogs do, God bless them!

My ex had his issues with alcohol. It took everything away from him...everything...including his life. It was a long, slow, painful path of destruction, and extremely sad for all of us who loved him to watch. He was very alone all his life..it didn't matter how many people loved him; it didn't matter how many people he surrounded himself with, he was alone. There was something inside him that wouldn't allow him to be happy or successful. He would head towards something good, some success..and hit a brick wall in his mind and turn back onto that path of destruction. He would do outrageous things to loved ones that would push us away, while reaching for us at the same time. I think we all felt like yo-yos..and the string finally broke, as a well-worn string tends to do.

Some things just can't be repaired.

Anyway, when I painted the man in the picture, and the dog, I knew who they were. It was the painting I had to do; the one that wouldn't allow me to dismiss it, and the one that told a story that had to be told.

The painting lives in my oldest daughter's home now. When she saw it she immediately laid claim to it; it spoke to her as it did to me, and I'm glad it's with her...I think she understands where it came from.

MY NEW YEAR'S WISH FOR YOU

To All Of You:

May you find happiness and peace in the coming year.

May your artistic talent (whatever it may be) be honed to a fine, bright edge, even greater than it already is.

May you find many new wonderful friends everywhere you go, treasure the ones you have, and reconnect with old friends with whom you've lost touch.

May you feel fulfilled in all aspects of your life: spiritually, physically, emotionally.

May you find sunshine even on cloudy days, and always appreciate the beauty that surrounds you.

May you always have an attitude of gratitude, even for the small things....and, remember: the TRULY precious things in life are free!

Most of all.....may you always be able to love, and to know that you are loved!

ON A SILVER SCREEN

ON A SILVER SCREEN

My Son! You are searching so hard

for Life's answers.

You won't find them where you've

been looking!

Listen to me:

Seeking answers of my own one day,

I took a walk into the faded-blue depths

of an old man's eyes.

I sat in the sunny meadow of his soul

where Time was only a teacher--

not a ravager.

There, on Time's silver screen,

like the everchanging clouds in our own galaxy,

were the shapes of the knowledge I'd been seeking.

I watched the epic of his lifetime

reeled out into the forms of comedy and tragedy.

I listened to distant thunderheads,

and felt the salty rain falling gently upon the meadow.

But...closer and stronger

was the healing laughter that followed,

melting away the storm.

My Grandfather's last gift to me--

and his greatest!

I wrote this poem many years ago in honor of my Grandfather, who passed away from a brain tumor. While we were apart for many years (I lived in California and he lived here in Ohio), when I returned to Ohio in 1973 we became very close, and we had a lot of good times together. When he was in his final days in the hospital, I spent time with him, just sitting there beside him, thinking about the wise things he'd said to me before he became ill. One of the last things he did, when he hadn't been responding to anyone, was to squeeze my hand when I told him I loved him.

The first paragraph of the poem was a reference to my own son who was having a hard time during that period when we first moved back to Ohio from his native California. He was not happy with me for taking him away from all his friends, and didn't understand why...or, maybe he did understand at some level...but, hated it anyway.

In my way, I was trying to tell him that it would be okay....and it was.

A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

Hello Again!

I know it's been awhile, but I was compelled to write this tonight after a really amazing event that happened to me this evening....one which restored my faith in people...a Christmas miracle, if you will.

We all know how awful the economy is right now. Everyone is suffering. Everyone is worried about how they are going to survive this nightmare.
People are greedy; people are self-involved, selfish, dishonest, uncaring and out for #1...right?

Wrong. There ARE still some honest people out there! Even in this economy. Even though it's the Holiday season and everyone is wondering how they are going to buy, buy, buy those gifts, impress their friends, throw that spectacular holiday bash....etc etc.

Those who are less fortunate, maybe less honest, may be thinking about how they can scam, rob, or take advantage of whatever opportunity presents itself, even if it's at the detriment of another.

But, tonight, I learned that there are still people in this world who live by the code of ethics.....and, one bell-ringer for the Salvation Army is one of these beautiful people!

I went to the grocery store late this afternoon, rushing as usual. Going through the automated doors, into the store lobby, I passed the lady ringing the bell for the Salvation Army, but didn't really pay full attention. However, because I'm an artist and a writer, and detail-oriented, I did notice her lovely dark eyes, her sweet expression, her smooth mocha skin. I noticed the symmetry of her black knitted hat, red jacket and black pants, and I remember thinking that I was glad she was inside the lobby of the store rather than outside in the awful cold, windy weather. There was just something about her that did catch my attention, despite my hurried state, and I smiled at her and said hello....but, I never carry cash so I didn't have anything to put into the little red bucket...and on I went inside.

I did the little bit of shopping I had to do....I didn't have much money to spend so it didn't take me long. I loaded the groceries into the trunk and started home. One of the things I wanted to buy was a rotisserie chicken...but, I had forgotten it. I remembered when I got about half-way home....and I really wanted that chicken...so, I turned back, went back into the store, bought it, and headed for home once again.

It wasn't until I got all the way home before I realized I didn't have my purse! Where had I left it?? In full panic mode, I flew back to the store, sick to my stomach, in tears, praying to God all the way there: "PLEASE, let me find my purse! PLEASE, God!!" I had no cash in there, but replacing my ATM bank card, credit cards, insurance cards, drivers license, etc....all that stuff, plus other things, would be an absolute nightmare! My prescription medications, ........well, just everything! And, how much damage could a thief do with my credit cards in a small amount of time before I had time to cancel everything? Not to mention identity theft. It would be catastrophic!

When I got to the store, I was shaking like a leaf...just a mess! I walked through the automatic doors, into the store, and I noticed the same Salvation Army bell-ringer who had been there earlier. I kind of looked at her, but didn't really see her ....my mind was elsewhere. I know I had a panicked look on my face.

I rushed up to the check stands, looking for the cashier who had waited on me..thinking maybe I'd left my purse at the check stand....but he wasn't there. More panic. Then I went to the customer service window, hope slim by then, and asked if anyone had turned in a purse. The girl said, "Yes."
I couldn't believe my ears! Then, immediately, I thought, Well, okay, if, by some miracle, it's mine, it's probably missing every credit card and all my medications!

Oh ye of little faith!

The girl handed over my purse, and I could immediately tell that nothing had been disturbed. The zippers were exactly as I had left them. I said, "Who turned it in?" Then, behind me, I heard a soft voice, "I did. You left it in the cart." and when I turned around, there was the Salvation Army bell-ringer. I just fell apart! I grabbed her and hugged her, saying "Oh, God bless you!!" I hugged her for so long, just sobbing with relief. She hugged me back, and I can't explain how comforted I felt...I never wanted to let go! I just couldn't believe my luck! Evidently, I had picked up the bag with the chicken in it and just left my purse behind in the cart before walking out the grocery store doors. She said she noticed it after I had gone, and she took it straight to Customer Service.

Finally, we walked out together, back to the lobby. I felt so bad because I didn't have anything to give her....then I remembered a dollar bill that had been in my wallet forever. I pulled it out and gave it to her to put into the bucket...but, I felt that was so inadequate. I wanted to do more...for HER.

I called my oldest daughter and told her what happened. She said, "Mom, I know exactly who you mean..I was there myself this evening and did some shopping, and I put $10 in that bucket...and I never do that!"

Wow!

I told my daughter that I wanted to do more for this woman and planned to go back tomorrow when I could give her a really nice card with $50 in it as a gift for her personally. My daughter said, "Call the store and find out if this same bell-ringer will be there tomorrow."

So I called. I got a clerk at first who didn't know anything and put me on hold. While you are on hold, they play music.....guess what the song was while I was waiting to talk to the store manager? "CALLING ALL ANGELS"! How appropriate was that?! This lovely woman was most definately my angel!

When the store manager got on the line, he told me that that bell-ringer had been there for several days so it was likely she'd be there tomorrow.

And tomorrow, I will get a special card for this lady, put $50 cash into it and hand it to her. I will again hug her tightly, and wish her a blessed Christmas...and I will be thanking God for putting her into my life this brief moment in time....because here's what that encounter did:
#1: She saved me from a nightmare of replacing all that I would have lost if she hadn't returned my purse intact. She kept a dishonest person from getting it.
#2: She restored my battered faith in people.
#3: My daughter and I had had a discussion earlier today about how people never did what they were supposed to do, didn't keep promises, and she was pretty disillusioned. I told her she should have more faith, but I really didn't feel it in my heart, even as I was telling her that. This lady gave my daughter an example of why she should believe that not all people are bad.
#4: Who knows how much good that $10 my daughter put into that lady's bucket will do? (Remember, she put that into the bucket BEFORE I called her and told her about this incident.) I can't help but feel that God was working this whole thing in order to teach several lessons to several people!!

I know I learned something valuable; something priceless...and so did my daughter.

We truly have an AWESOME God! You just never know when He will put someone in our path to teach us through His love and wisdom.

Be aware and be open to the lessons! You just never know when they will appear.

Have a beautiful Holiday Season, everyone!

Hello all...

I just wanted to add this to the post today, November 26, 2008.

This afternoon I bought a thank you card for the wonderful woman who turned in my purse yesterday, and I put a $50 bill into the card, sealed it in the envelope and took it to her.
I gave her another hug, and asked her her name so that I can call the Salvation Army and let them know about her.

She was astounded by the gift. I hope it makes her Holiday just a little brighter...because she sure made mine happier!