CHANGES, CHANGES

Well, it's been so long since I wrote anything in this blog....time has a way of slipping away before you know it.

I'm glad Christmas is over! Although I love it, it's stressful...which, really, if we kept to the real reason for the season, it shouldn't be....but, that's a subject for another time.

Just before Christmas I got notification that I have to move from my home where I've been the past 9 1/2 years. My landlady had decided to sell this place and decided to do so at the worst possible time of year, (I mean, come ON! It's the dead of winter and miserable out) so I've been scrambling like a fool to find a new place (which, with the help of God, I did right away) then start the huge job of sorting through stuff, throwing and giving away that which I don't need, shredding old papers....you know the drill.

I've moved so many times I'm a pro at it....but, that doesn't mean I like it..and it's never easy!

I've learned over the years after many moves that you don't collect junk, you keep your closets cleaned out, don't clutter up your basement...in other words, make it easy on yourself when it comes time to make a change and "get outta Dodge".

I was upstairs just a little while ago, cleaning out my office...definitely a challenge...and came across some photos that I keep in there because I like to look at them often. I picked up one that was of my back yard at my old house in Albuquerque, New Mexico...and...I don't know...it just triggered something and I started crying.
Up until then I pretty much have kept my emotions in check. I mean, I've been through so many changes in my life, and have had to flip a 180 so many times that I have learned to roll with it and move on without too much freaking out.

When I found out I had to move...(about a week before Christmas isn't the best time to get this type of news)....I allowed myself about 10 minutes of freak-out time and then I started planning and making lists. This is how I cope. I'm a great list-maker because it puts things in focus and allows me to figure out the first step in any journey. Step one, obviously, was to find a new place to live...and I did that, as I said, within days with a bunch of help from Above. That just fell into place.

Then I called the phone company and arranged for transfer of services at the new place. That done, I started going through things and doing the sorting.

Last night, I took pictures off the walls, cleaned them and packed all the little knic knacs on the shelves and fireplace mantle. Now, there's something about that process that puts it into your mind that, okay, this is really happening; there's something final about bare walls and no knic knacs that suddenly takes away a lot of the personality of your home. Suddenly, it looks sad and empty already. Doesn't matter that all your furniture and clothing are still there and that you're still sleeping there....those bare walls say something loud and clear: you are not living here anymore.

Today, I took some filler compound and filled in all the holes where I'd hung pictures. Click, click, click.....things are moving right along and I'm patting myself on the back for being so organized and efficient ....and then I just fell apart when I found that picture. I can't even really say why that triggered the tears..except that I miss NM terribly...and I guess that photo was a reminder of how many times I've had to move and how many changes I've endured, and here we go again.

What's it like to be secure? I don't really know. There's only two times in my life when I can remember feeling secure: When I was a child up until age 12. (Then we moved to California and everything turned to crap.) The next time was when I moved to NM. I felt so at peace there; it was life-changing and the best thing I ever did for myself. That lasted for 6 years. So, out of 66 years on this earth, I've only felt secure a total of 18.
I've never owned my own home...mainly because I've never wanted to. My life was always too chaotic, too uncertain and owning a house would have been a huge burden and a chain around my neck.
So now here I am at age 66, having to uproot myself yet again and start all over once more. I'm just too old for this crap, you know? Enough already!

I'm trying to be positive. There are good things about the new place: no stairs, for one. Meandthedog know that stairs are not our friends! She's almost 15 and I can see her struggling each night when we climb the stairs up to our room.

The new place is smaller, but it has a bigger kitchen...this kitchen I have now has always been a pain because it's so tiny. But, I will miss this house. It's comfortable and familiar.

Pros and cons....you have to pick what's important and concentrate on that.

You have to roll with it.

I'm doing my best.