Well, I haven't been on a good rant for awhile. It's time!
I was just fine today...until I went to the grocery store. I decided to get some fresh seafood. Behind the counter was a young guy, probably in his early 20's. He was standing to the left of me, maybe 6 feet away....close enough that he could easily see me.....and I waited. And I waited. He ignored me. I was just about to say "hello?" when he finally looked up at me...and then back down. "What do you want?" he asked, as if I had some nerve bothering him. "Well, I'd like some of this salmon," I said, politely. "How many pounds do you want?" he demanded, still staying where he was; still looking down. "I don't know." I answered. Then, I pointed to a fillet and said, "This one looks about the size I want." Finally, very slowly, he ambles down to where I was and says, "Which one?" I started to point again to what I wanted and then suddenly something snapped in me. I just stopped dead until he finally looked at me, and then, looking him right in the eye, I said, calmly, quietly and firmly "Do we have an attitude today?" "Huh?" he says. So I repeated what I said. "No." he responded, mumbling something I couldn't quite hear. I said, "Good, because I'm not interested in any attitude today!" He finally got the fillet I had pointed to and....verrrrry slowly, wrapped it for me. (probably spit on it when I wasn't looking.) I thanked him and walked away. But I was fuming, because, let me tell you, I have a hair trigger and ZERO tolerance for attitude from anyone, but least of all from clerks in places where I'm spending my money!
On my way to the produce section, I happened to see a manager and I was still mad enough that I had to say something. He apologized, and told me it wasn't the first complaint he'd had about this kid. He said he was going to "immediately address the problem." I don't know if the kid lost his job over this...but, I don't care if he did! I'm tired of rude people in places of business.
I have been out in the working world since I was 16 years old and I have to say that it wasn't even an option in my mind to be rude to a customer! I've also owned my own business for the past 18 years, and if anyone working for me was ever rude to a client they'd lose their job. There wouldn't BE a second opportunity to do it again! (And, believe me, some of our clients down through the years have been pretty obnoxious and hard to take, but it isn't the job of the people working for me to respond in kind. If someone is nasty to one of my people, I will handle it in my own way. I've been known to "fire" clients just as fast as I'd fire an employee.)
It seems to be more and more acceptable, not only for employees to be rude, but for managers and business owners to overlook this behavior. Why is that? And it seems to be mostly people in their late teens and early 20's who are exhibiting this behavior...and I KNOW why that is! (Read my other posts and you'll see why.)
Many times in a grocery store, the cashier and the bagger will be carrying on some ridiculous inane conversation between themselves while totally ignoring the customer. The cashier's snapping gum, looking like a cow chewing her cud, laughing loudly, while tossing your produce off the conveyor belt, (the produce that you've spent time choosing carefully so you don't have bruised fruit) and the bagger is tossing cans into a bag on top of your bread and eggs while confiding her latest boyfriend problems or some other such nonsense to the cashier.
You know what? When this happens to me, I gently put my hand on top of the cashier's hand and stop her cold. When I have her full attention, I look her right in the eye and say: "I would like you to pay attention to what you're doing, and to your customers whose patronage here in this store is what allows you to have your job! None of us are interested in your personal life."
And, if the bagger has bruised the produce or squashed the bread, or overloaded one of those ridiculously flimsy plastic bags with heavy cans, I will ask them to go get me another loaf of bread, and to re-do those bags so that they make some kind of sense! And if I get attitude I will quietly say, "You seem to have a problem with my request...perhaps the manager can help." That pretty much stops the 'tude- storm in its tracks!
You know, I used to fume quietly and just go on my way. But, no more. The older I get, the less tolerance for bullcrap I have. (I plan on wearing a lot of purple, and a big red hat as I age, too! HA!) I'm tired of being treated like I'm a bother when I'm spending my money someplace. I'm sorry if you have problems at home, or you've had a bad day, or someone else has been rude to you and you decide to take it out on me. I didn't do anything to you and I won't allow you to treat me as if I have, or, even worse, as if I'm invisible. Keep your problems at home where they belong!
I am never rude to any clerks, restaurant servers, cashiers, or any other employees with whom I have any business dealings, and I expect to be treated with the same respect I show them. I am polite; I say please and thank you, I smile, and I look them in the eye!
I only ask for the same, simple, common courtesy.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
HELPLESS?....a poem by me
HELPLESS?
YOU LOOK AT ME SO HELPLESSLY,
YOUR CHINA-BLUE EYES REFLECTED
IN MY STEEL-GREY ONES.
YOU SAY NOTHING TO ME,
BUT I UNDERSTAND YOUR NEED.
WORDS ARE NOT NECESSARY BETWEEN US.
WHATEVER YOU WANT--IT'S YOURS.
(Never underestimate the power
of a tiny kitten!)
Please be sure to spay and neuter your pets!
YOU LOOK AT ME SO HELPLESSLY,
YOUR CHINA-BLUE EYES REFLECTED
IN MY STEEL-GREY ONES.
YOU SAY NOTHING TO ME,
BUT I UNDERSTAND YOUR NEED.
WORDS ARE NOT NECESSARY BETWEEN US.
WHATEVER YOU WANT--IT'S YOURS.
(Never underestimate the power
of a tiny kitten!)
Please be sure to spay and neuter your pets!
Saturday, February 23, 2008
BEFORE YOU SAY "I DO" (linked to Dr.Phil)
We are getting into the wedding season and I know a lot of young women are planning these huge, huge weddings with all the bells and whistles, and going into major debt to realize the dream that maybe they've had since they were little girls.
There's a show on TV called "Bridezillas" which glorifies the spoiled little bride brat and seems to make it fine to act like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum. I have to admit that sometimes I watch it just for laughs...but, really, when you think about it, it's not funny at all. Also, there's another show called "Say Yes To The Dress"...which is about this fancy bridal dress salon in New York that caters to the bridezilla and tries to sell her the most expensive dress in the place...and I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Well I don't care how much money it costs, I WANT it!" Some of these dresses cost upwards of $15,000! Think about that: $15,000 + for some dress you will only wear on ONE day for a few hours!!
It absolutely boggles my mind! It's not like you can ever wear it anywhere else for any other occasion! Do you know what other great things can be done with $15,000? You could buy a car or put a down payment on a house! Or, it could pay your rent on a pretty nice place for a year! That would be $1,250.00 a month...you can get a decent place for that....just the price of your dress alone.
Okay. Then, there's the ring. I'm not sure what the average cost of a ring big enough to satisfy a bridezilla is these days...but, I know it's several thousand dollars...maybe even running a close second to that $15,000 dress. Whatever happened to a modest diamond and a little gold band? When did that stop being good enough?
Then, of course, you have to have a really good (read "expensive") photographer, right? And don't forget the fancy invitations....(which will wind up in the trash.)
Add onto all these things the cost of the cake...which can be absolutely ridiculous.....the place where the wedding is held, the cost of the person who performs the ceremony, the reception with all the many details like the disc jockey, or band or orchestra, the caterer, the food, drinks, including alcohol, (so that there's a good chance at least a few people can get stupid, act like fools and ruin the reception that cost a fortune), the decorations/flowers for both the location of the wedding, for the bride and all the attendants, and for the reception.
I know there are dozens of expenses I haven't even listed here..but, you get my drift.
There's another TV show called "My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding" that shows really crazy people who spend over a million dollars on something that lasts for one day and a few little hours. I can't even wrap my mind around that! (The sorry thing is, I wonder just how many of these marriages last?) Besides that, how many times have you heard about so many things going wrong and ruining the wedding or reception? Some of the best marriages have had a wedding day that was a whole comedy of disasters! Yet, too many of you think you will just curl up and DIE if anything goes wrong, and you put so much stress on yourself, your groom, and everyone else involved in the wedding that you are a total mess on your day and wind up remembering very little about it!
What you girls should be thinking about is the MARRIAGE....not just the wedding.
Did you actually get to know your intended...I mean really get to know him BEFORE you agreed to marry? Or, are you marrying him because "he's just so cute!" Have you sat down with him and discussed important issues? And I don't mean what color tux he will wear at the wedding, or any of the other minor details. I'm talking about issues that will affect the lives of both of you as well as any children you may have.
Have you discussed religion? (do you have the same views; do you agree on the importance of it in your lives?)
What do you expect from each other regarding sex?
Children? (Whether or not that's something you both want; how many? How close together? Do you agree on birth control methods? If you both work, how do you feel about child care providers? How much do you expect from your husband as far as helping to take care of the children? Are you prepared for the financial, physical, and emotional strain that children will put on the marriage? What are your views regarding discipline? Do you agree on how you will handle that?)
If this is not the first marriage and there are children involved, it's even MORE important to discuss the subject of discipline because a step-parent has no right to just jump in and take over. That will cause a whole lot of resentment in children who are over the age of 3! As a step-parent you will have to walk a fine line. You want respect, but remember: respect has to be earned. You all have to get to really know each other before you blend your families! Statistics tell us that second marriages have an even greater chance of failure...and it goes down with each successive marriage. I know that's discouraging...but it's the truth and you have to deal with what IS, not what you want it to be.
Have you discussed money issues? (how it's managed? Is one of you a saver and the other a spender? Is either one of you bringing a large debt into the marriage? Do you know each other's credit scores? This can become really important when it's time for a large purchase like a house or a car, and can cause a lot of resentment if the credit history of one of you causes a hardship.) The number one cause of divorce is money issues...so get it all out in the open and deal with it before you take the walk down the aisle.
Where do you want to live? (city or out in the country? condo? house? Southwest? Midwest? etc.)
How do you feel about household chores? (Willing to share equally or do you have old-fashioned ideas where it's "the woman's place?...which is fine if you BOTH agree.) What about cooking meals? How important is a clean house to both of you? Is one of you a slob and the other a neat freak?
How's your communication? (Do you talk to each other...really talk? Can you discuss ANYthing, or do either of you have to walk on eggshells to keep the other from blowing up?
And how DO you handle anger?
How does your intended treat others? Is he kind to animals? How does he treat his Mother? These are all indicators of how he will treat you!
Do you REALLY trust each other? I mean, do you feel a sense of peace with each other deep within your heart and soul? Or, is that little inner voice that we all have (and ignore too often) picking at you, telling you that something is wrong? Have either of you accused the other of flirting, or at looking at others, or do you constantly worry about each other whenever you're apart? Usually, if there's suspicion, there's a good reason for it. Don't ignore that inner voice just because it hurts you to listen....it'll hurt you more in the long run if you don't!
DO YOU EACH LOVE YOURSELVES AS WELL AS EACH OTHER? This may sound like a funny question...but, think about it. What kind of baggage are you going to bring into this marriage? If either of you thinks of yourselves as a piece of garbage, then that person probably won't believe anyone else can really love them either, which will make them insecure and suspicious, and which will then make them so needy that the marriage will become a soul-sucking JOB instead of a partnership. Get yourself right before you add a partner into the mix. And don't take on someone who is messed up.
How serious are you willing to take these vows you will be saying? "In sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer until death do you part"? Will you actually mean them....or are they just words you have to say to get through the ceremony? Have you thought about the meaning of those words?
THIS IS KEY....AND YOU BETTER SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IT: Do either of you have any addictions? Alcohol, drugs, porn, the Internet, shopping, gambling? It's pretty hard to have a good, solid marriage when your first love is an addiction. Better call it off if that's the case because addictions do not fix themselves and YOU can't fix the other person!
Do you TRULY like your intended...or do you have problems with some major character flaws but you're convinced they will just magically disappear with your tender loving care after you are married? Better be brutally honest about this one! (Women are way too apt to think like this. "I just love him so much that he will fall right into step as soon as we're married. I can fix him.") You can't.
Do you respect each other? Do you feel truly valued as a person; liked and loved, and accepted for yourself as you are now? (Or, have you heard...or said..."after we're married, I will expect you to .........?)
Ladies, in your relationship, has this man you've chosen mesh your life with isolated you in any way? Does he seem possessive? Jealous of time you spend with others.....even family? This is a major warning sign! Do not mistake these traits for "love". This is not love; this is a forewarning to abuse.
And here's something you may not have thought of: In what kind of homes did each of you grow up? And how has it affected you as a person, and the kinds of choices you make in a partner? By this I mean, if you, as a woman, have grown up with an abusive, alcoholic father, do you tend you pick the same kind of man to get involved with? If this is true, then you need to take a step back and deal with these types of issues FIRST before you let someone into your life....especially if you find yourself accepting this behavior from others.
The divorce rate is currently around 60%. Don't set yourselves up for failure by neglecting the important, ongoing issues and concentrating on just the wedding ceremony. Keep the whole thing simple. It can be beautiful, peaceful and loving without being over-the-top expensive. Save your money for a nicer honeymoon, or a cushion to fall back on if either of you should lose your job...which, in this economy, is a very real threat! Save it so that you can go on a little romantic weekend every so often....a cabin in the woods, or at the beach...or in the mountains. Or a really nice dinner out together, candlelight and all.
Don't forget to set aside at least one day, maybe every two weeks, as a "date night (or day)". Doesn't matter where you go....a movie; a walk in the park; a picnic....just go someplace together and get away from everything....and talk! Refresh and reconnect. Have fun and laugh...don't ever forget to laugh!
Don't become another statistic.
There's a show on TV called "Bridezillas" which glorifies the spoiled little bride brat and seems to make it fine to act like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum. I have to admit that sometimes I watch it just for laughs...but, really, when you think about it, it's not funny at all. Also, there's another show called "Say Yes To The Dress"...which is about this fancy bridal dress salon in New York that caters to the bridezilla and tries to sell her the most expensive dress in the place...and I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Well I don't care how much money it costs, I WANT it!" Some of these dresses cost upwards of $15,000! Think about that: $15,000 + for some dress you will only wear on ONE day for a few hours!!
It absolutely boggles my mind! It's not like you can ever wear it anywhere else for any other occasion! Do you know what other great things can be done with $15,000? You could buy a car or put a down payment on a house! Or, it could pay your rent on a pretty nice place for a year! That would be $1,250.00 a month...you can get a decent place for that....just the price of your dress alone.
Okay. Then, there's the ring. I'm not sure what the average cost of a ring big enough to satisfy a bridezilla is these days...but, I know it's several thousand dollars...maybe even running a close second to that $15,000 dress. Whatever happened to a modest diamond and a little gold band? When did that stop being good enough?
Then, of course, you have to have a really good (read "expensive") photographer, right? And don't forget the fancy invitations....(which will wind up in the trash.)
Add onto all these things the cost of the cake...which can be absolutely ridiculous.....the place where the wedding is held, the cost of the person who performs the ceremony, the reception with all the many details like the disc jockey, or band or orchestra, the caterer, the food, drinks, including alcohol, (so that there's a good chance at least a few people can get stupid, act like fools and ruin the reception that cost a fortune), the decorations/flowers for both the location of the wedding, for the bride and all the attendants, and for the reception.
I know there are dozens of expenses I haven't even listed here..but, you get my drift.
There's another TV show called "My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding" that shows really crazy people who spend over a million dollars on something that lasts for one day and a few little hours. I can't even wrap my mind around that! (The sorry thing is, I wonder just how many of these marriages last?) Besides that, how many times have you heard about so many things going wrong and ruining the wedding or reception? Some of the best marriages have had a wedding day that was a whole comedy of disasters! Yet, too many of you think you will just curl up and DIE if anything goes wrong, and you put so much stress on yourself, your groom, and everyone else involved in the wedding that you are a total mess on your day and wind up remembering very little about it!
What you girls should be thinking about is the MARRIAGE....not just the wedding.
Did you actually get to know your intended...I mean really get to know him BEFORE you agreed to marry? Or, are you marrying him because "he's just so cute!" Have you sat down with him and discussed important issues? And I don't mean what color tux he will wear at the wedding, or any of the other minor details. I'm talking about issues that will affect the lives of both of you as well as any children you may have.
Have you discussed religion? (do you have the same views; do you agree on the importance of it in your lives?)
What do you expect from each other regarding sex?
Children? (Whether or not that's something you both want; how many? How close together? Do you agree on birth control methods? If you both work, how do you feel about child care providers? How much do you expect from your husband as far as helping to take care of the children? Are you prepared for the financial, physical, and emotional strain that children will put on the marriage? What are your views regarding discipline? Do you agree on how you will handle that?)
If this is not the first marriage and there are children involved, it's even MORE important to discuss the subject of discipline because a step-parent has no right to just jump in and take over. That will cause a whole lot of resentment in children who are over the age of 3! As a step-parent you will have to walk a fine line. You want respect, but remember: respect has to be earned. You all have to get to really know each other before you blend your families! Statistics tell us that second marriages have an even greater chance of failure...and it goes down with each successive marriage. I know that's discouraging...but it's the truth and you have to deal with what IS, not what you want it to be.
Have you discussed money issues? (how it's managed? Is one of you a saver and the other a spender? Is either one of you bringing a large debt into the marriage? Do you know each other's credit scores? This can become really important when it's time for a large purchase like a house or a car, and can cause a lot of resentment if the credit history of one of you causes a hardship.) The number one cause of divorce is money issues...so get it all out in the open and deal with it before you take the walk down the aisle.
Where do you want to live? (city or out in the country? condo? house? Southwest? Midwest? etc.)
How do you feel about household chores? (Willing to share equally or do you have old-fashioned ideas where it's "the woman's place?...which is fine if you BOTH agree.) What about cooking meals? How important is a clean house to both of you? Is one of you a slob and the other a neat freak?
How's your communication? (Do you talk to each other...really talk? Can you discuss ANYthing, or do either of you have to walk on eggshells to keep the other from blowing up?
And how DO you handle anger?
How does your intended treat others? Is he kind to animals? How does he treat his Mother? These are all indicators of how he will treat you!
Do you REALLY trust each other? I mean, do you feel a sense of peace with each other deep within your heart and soul? Or, is that little inner voice that we all have (and ignore too often) picking at you, telling you that something is wrong? Have either of you accused the other of flirting, or at looking at others, or do you constantly worry about each other whenever you're apart? Usually, if there's suspicion, there's a good reason for it. Don't ignore that inner voice just because it hurts you to listen....it'll hurt you more in the long run if you don't!
DO YOU EACH LOVE YOURSELVES AS WELL AS EACH OTHER? This may sound like a funny question...but, think about it. What kind of baggage are you going to bring into this marriage? If either of you thinks of yourselves as a piece of garbage, then that person probably won't believe anyone else can really love them either, which will make them insecure and suspicious, and which will then make them so needy that the marriage will become a soul-sucking JOB instead of a partnership. Get yourself right before you add a partner into the mix. And don't take on someone who is messed up.
How serious are you willing to take these vows you will be saying? "In sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer until death do you part"? Will you actually mean them....or are they just words you have to say to get through the ceremony? Have you thought about the meaning of those words?
THIS IS KEY....AND YOU BETTER SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IT: Do either of you have any addictions? Alcohol, drugs, porn, the Internet, shopping, gambling? It's pretty hard to have a good, solid marriage when your first love is an addiction. Better call it off if that's the case because addictions do not fix themselves and YOU can't fix the other person!
Do you TRULY like your intended...or do you have problems with some major character flaws but you're convinced they will just magically disappear with your tender loving care after you are married? Better be brutally honest about this one! (Women are way too apt to think like this. "I just love him so much that he will fall right into step as soon as we're married. I can fix him.") You can't.
Do you respect each other? Do you feel truly valued as a person; liked and loved, and accepted for yourself as you are now? (Or, have you heard...or said..."after we're married, I will expect you to .........?)
Ladies, in your relationship, has this man you've chosen mesh your life with isolated you in any way? Does he seem possessive? Jealous of time you spend with others.....even family? This is a major warning sign! Do not mistake these traits for "love". This is not love; this is a forewarning to abuse.
And here's something you may not have thought of: In what kind of homes did each of you grow up? And how has it affected you as a person, and the kinds of choices you make in a partner? By this I mean, if you, as a woman, have grown up with an abusive, alcoholic father, do you tend you pick the same kind of man to get involved with? If this is true, then you need to take a step back and deal with these types of issues FIRST before you let someone into your life....especially if you find yourself accepting this behavior from others.
The divorce rate is currently around 60%. Don't set yourselves up for failure by neglecting the important, ongoing issues and concentrating on just the wedding ceremony. Keep the whole thing simple. It can be beautiful, peaceful and loving without being over-the-top expensive. Save your money for a nicer honeymoon, or a cushion to fall back on if either of you should lose your job...which, in this economy, is a very real threat! Save it so that you can go on a little romantic weekend every so often....a cabin in the woods, or at the beach...or in the mountains. Or a really nice dinner out together, candlelight and all.
Don't forget to set aside at least one day, maybe every two weeks, as a "date night (or day)". Doesn't matter where you go....a movie; a walk in the park; a picnic....just go someplace together and get away from everything....and talk! Refresh and reconnect. Have fun and laugh...don't ever forget to laugh!
Don't become another statistic.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
BUT, I LOVE HIM!
I was thinking today about why people fall in love with each other.
There may be an immediate physical attraction, and that's nice...for awhile. But that alone doesn't keep people together over the long haul; not without other things to add to the mix .(What else do you do for fun? Where do you go together? What are your hopes, dreams, goals for the future?) Have you given up those hope, dreams and goals because you've been making bad choices since you were a teenager and now find yourself in a pit?
You don't have to stay there.
The purpose of this article is to get young women to think before they get there, and to give older women some insight about how to prevent another mistake.
It starts, I believe, with teen girls who haven't a clue about what real love is, and don't really have any good role models. They've been left to their own devices because parents are gone too much or are disconnected from each other and their children. They lose their self-confidence and self-esteem. They turn to the Internet to find virtual cyber-friends instead of forming close bonds with real people in their surroundings. There's no one to guide or encourage them. No one to sit down with them and help to figure out who they are or what they want in life...and then listen to them! they become rootless and groundless, just drifting..ripe for taking any path that comes along. And what usually comes along is the "bad boy", who has his own agenda....but no one has warned them so they don't have the tools to see what's ahead. He listens, it seems. (It STARTS there....but, then it carries on as we get older and the pattern keeps repeating..and that's when we get into real trouble.)
I think that's why we are so willing and eager to "take in strays" and want to "rescue" the biggest butt-head within a 5 mile radius; the one with no job (and no interest in getting one); the one who drinks too much, or does drugs, or who smokes like a chimney (even when we don't). It's why we will choose the one who runs around on us and whom we've caught in a dozen lies; the one who abuses us...and worse yet, we will toss out the REALLY great guy in favor of this loser because maybe the "bad boy" is cuter, or we consider the really great guy boring! What kind of pretzel logic is that?
Having no sense of direction, young girls are too often discouraged from realizing their own dreams...IF they even bother to give themselves enough time to figure out what those dreams are...
There may be an immediate physical attraction, and that's nice...for awhile. But that alone doesn't keep people together over the long haul; not without other things to add to the mix .(What else do you do for fun? Where do you go together? What are your hopes, dreams, goals for the future?) Have you given up those hope, dreams and goals because you've been making bad choices since you were a teenager and now find yourself in a pit?
You don't have to stay there.
The purpose of this article is to get young women to think before they get there, and to give older women some insight about how to prevent another mistake.
It starts, I believe, with teen girls who haven't a clue about what real love is, and don't really have any good role models. They've been left to their own devices because parents are gone too much or are disconnected from each other and their children. They lose their self-confidence and self-esteem. They turn to the Internet to find virtual cyber-friends instead of forming close bonds with real people in their surroundings. There's no one to guide or encourage them. No one to sit down with them and help to figure out who they are or what they want in life...and then listen to them! they become rootless and groundless, just drifting..ripe for taking any path that comes along. And what usually comes along is the "bad boy", who has his own agenda....but no one has warned them so they don't have the tools to see what's ahead. He listens, it seems. (It STARTS there....but, then it carries on as we get older and the pattern keeps repeating..and that's when we get into real trouble.)
I think that's why we are so willing and eager to "take in strays" and want to "rescue" the biggest butt-head within a 5 mile radius; the one with no job (and no interest in getting one); the one who drinks too much, or does drugs, or who smokes like a chimney (even when we don't). It's why we will choose the one who runs around on us and whom we've caught in a dozen lies; the one who abuses us...and worse yet, we will toss out the REALLY great guy in favor of this loser because maybe the "bad boy" is cuter, or we consider the really great guy boring! What kind of pretzel logic is that?
Having no sense of direction, young girls are too often discouraged from realizing their own dreams...IF they even bother to give themselves enough time to figure out what those dreams are...
First of all: have a plan for your future. By that I mean ask yourself what you want for yourself; where you see yourself in five years, ten years. Sit down with a piece of paper and a pen and write it down. There's nothing like seeing things in black and white to help you see things in black and white!
Now, put down what kind of work you would like to do...what is your passion? Is it art? Theater? Would you like to work in the medical field? Maybe you love science or geography. Maybe the thought of going on an archaeological dig excites you...you can picture yourself out there in the desert, digging up prehistoric bones, making a major discovery. Or maybe in Egypt exploring an Egyptian tomb and finding treasures. Really give it some serious thought, and then write down each thing that appeals to you.
Then, write down your strong points. What are you really good at? Something maybe several people have told you.....creative writing, maybe? Are you quick with figures? Do you excel in sports? Do you have a knack for working with people? Write these things down too.
Now, because there's always two sides to every person and we all have our weak points....decide what yours are. And please....nothing physical! You don't like the color of your hair, or you think your feet are too big....no. That's not allowed in this exercise because your physical appearance has nothing to do with what we are talking about. That stuff doesn't count.
What I want is for you to find out what is inside you; maybe things you never told another person about what your hopes and dreams are. Who are you, really?
Okay, now you should have a sort of picture of what you want your future to look like. Next, you have to figure out how to get there...and this requires tunnel vision: Depending what your answers were to the above questions, you then decide what steps are needed to get there, you start by taking the first step, and then you don't take your focus off those steps until you reach your goals! Think about your goals and say them out loud to yourself before you get out of bed, every day, without fail. Think about them as you shower and brush your teeth. Picture yourself reaching those goals.
Now, put down what kind of work you would like to do...what is your passion? Is it art? Theater? Would you like to work in the medical field? Maybe you love science or geography. Maybe the thought of going on an archaeological dig excites you...you can picture yourself out there in the desert, digging up prehistoric bones, making a major discovery. Or maybe in Egypt exploring an Egyptian tomb and finding treasures. Really give it some serious thought, and then write down each thing that appeals to you.
Then, write down your strong points. What are you really good at? Something maybe several people have told you.....creative writing, maybe? Are you quick with figures? Do you excel in sports? Do you have a knack for working with people? Write these things down too.
Now, because there's always two sides to every person and we all have our weak points....decide what yours are. And please....nothing physical! You don't like the color of your hair, or you think your feet are too big....no. That's not allowed in this exercise because your physical appearance has nothing to do with what we are talking about. That stuff doesn't count.
What I want is for you to find out what is inside you; maybe things you never told another person about what your hopes and dreams are. Who are you, really?
Okay, now you should have a sort of picture of what you want your future to look like. Next, you have to figure out how to get there...and this requires tunnel vision: Depending what your answers were to the above questions, you then decide what steps are needed to get there, you start by taking the first step, and then you don't take your focus off those steps until you reach your goals! Think about your goals and say them out loud to yourself before you get out of bed, every day, without fail. Think about them as you shower and brush your teeth. Picture yourself reaching those goals.
A very wise person said: "The Longest Journey Begins With Just One Step."
There will be many things and many people that will cross your path and try to set you in a different direction. This is where the tunnel vision comes in. You must want your dream more than anything else in the world...enough to avoid situations that could keep you from reaching the goals you've set for yourself. You have to love yourself enough to know you deserve to reach those goals. You must respect yourself, and you have to consider your mind and your body as treasures which are not to be given away to anyone before you reach those goals. Anyone who would demand these treasures from you and put you at risk of losing your dreams does NOT love you! And, something else to think about: a man should not be your ultimate goal! You do not need a man to define you. First, become all you can be and then you can look around for someone to ADD to your already fulfilled life. You will have so much more to offer then.
You OWE it to yourself, and your future family, to be the best person you can become so that you have something to offer this family some day. You need time to grow, educationally, spiritually, emotionally. You need time to find out who YOU are before you can figure out who you want to be with. You need time to experience things; the world and all the wonderful things in it.
When you stunt your growth by making really ignorant decisions that will affect you (and lots of other people, too, by the way) you rob not only yourself, but any future children you may bring into your life. The more book and life education you can acquire, the more you can teach your children. And, the more you will be ready to actually settle down and be serious about a life-long marital commitment! With the divorce rate at 60% right now, it takes a lot of hard work to keep it together. Knowledge is always power! Wisdom comes with age. Every year that goes by that you stay away from bad decisions, is one year closer to a stronger, happier, healthier you. Heck, our brains don't even stop growing until we are well into our 20's...and the last part of our brain to mature is the part we use for reasoning. That's a biological fact!
Another good pen and paper exercise is to write down what you want in a husband some day. And, again, this has nothing to do with physical appearance. Looks do NOT make a good husband and father! (It's human nature to be attracted to pretty people...but learn to look past physical appearances. Beauty fades, but a beautiful heart and soul just get more beautiful as time passes!) Here are some hints: *He should be mature enough to at least have some of his own ideas about what he wants in life. * He should have some education, or active plans in the works towards securing some kind of decent future so he can support a family...maybe a solid plan for starting up his own business, for example. These two things alone are extremely rare in any guy who's less than 22 or 23 years old. (And, yes, I know there are exceptions so I don't want to hear from you out there who know this person or that who just was so perfect at age 18! You and I both know that IS the exception, not the norm, and we aren't even going to go there. We have to deal with the reality of the norm; not exceptions.)
This man you choose should be of a calm nature, and REAL importantly, LIKE himself and be secure about his own place in the world. (I don't mean he should be conceited...liking yourself because you are a truly good person isn't being vain). He should not be a player who thinks he's God's gift to women. Humility is good. A sense of humor is always a major plus. Kindness and compassion are winners.
There will be many things and many people that will cross your path and try to set you in a different direction. This is where the tunnel vision comes in. You must want your dream more than anything else in the world...enough to avoid situations that could keep you from reaching the goals you've set for yourself. You have to love yourself enough to know you deserve to reach those goals. You must respect yourself, and you have to consider your mind and your body as treasures which are not to be given away to anyone before you reach those goals. Anyone who would demand these treasures from you and put you at risk of losing your dreams does NOT love you! And, something else to think about: a man should not be your ultimate goal! You do not need a man to define you. First, become all you can be and then you can look around for someone to ADD to your already fulfilled life. You will have so much more to offer then.
You OWE it to yourself, and your future family, to be the best person you can become so that you have something to offer this family some day. You need time to grow, educationally, spiritually, emotionally. You need time to find out who YOU are before you can figure out who you want to be with. You need time to experience things; the world and all the wonderful things in it.
When you stunt your growth by making really ignorant decisions that will affect you (and lots of other people, too, by the way) you rob not only yourself, but any future children you may bring into your life. The more book and life education you can acquire, the more you can teach your children. And, the more you will be ready to actually settle down and be serious about a life-long marital commitment! With the divorce rate at 60% right now, it takes a lot of hard work to keep it together. Knowledge is always power! Wisdom comes with age. Every year that goes by that you stay away from bad decisions, is one year closer to a stronger, happier, healthier you. Heck, our brains don't even stop growing until we are well into our 20's...and the last part of our brain to mature is the part we use for reasoning. That's a biological fact!
Another good pen and paper exercise is to write down what you want in a husband some day. And, again, this has nothing to do with physical appearance. Looks do NOT make a good husband and father! (It's human nature to be attracted to pretty people...but learn to look past physical appearances. Beauty fades, but a beautiful heart and soul just get more beautiful as time passes!) Here are some hints: *He should be mature enough to at least have some of his own ideas about what he wants in life. * He should have some education, or active plans in the works towards securing some kind of decent future so he can support a family...maybe a solid plan for starting up his own business, for example. These two things alone are extremely rare in any guy who's less than 22 or 23 years old. (And, yes, I know there are exceptions so I don't want to hear from you out there who know this person or that who just was so perfect at age 18! You and I both know that IS the exception, not the norm, and we aren't even going to go there. We have to deal with the reality of the norm; not exceptions.)
This man you choose should be of a calm nature, and REAL importantly, LIKE himself and be secure about his own place in the world. (I don't mean he should be conceited...liking yourself because you are a truly good person isn't being vain). He should not be a player who thinks he's God's gift to women. Humility is good. A sense of humor is always a major plus. Kindness and compassion are winners.
Watch to see how he treats his Mother..that may sound funny, but, usually, the way a man treats his Mother tells you volumes about how he feels towards women in general, and will give you a clue about how he probably will treat you. On the other hand, you don't want a Mama's boy, either. Clingy men are insecure and will turn out to be more of a burden than you may want to deal with. Don't mistake his clinging to you, or jealousy towards anyone else who takes up any of your time, (such as friends or family), for love. This is NOT love; don't be flattered or fooled by it. This is dependence and there's a huge difference. Keep in mind that it's not a good indicator of maturity if this grown man...late 20's, early 30's...is still living at home where Mommy does everything for him, either. What that will tell you is that he will expect you to take Mommy's place if you are silly enough to marry him. A REAL man will leave home as soon as he's of age and be anxious to get out there in the world and make his own life! Living at home after a certain age should make a real man uncomfortable.
Your list should also include "Morals". You want someone who will not step on others to get where he wants to go. Kindness to animals is real important...that says a lot about a person. Spirituality is very important as well...that's something that I believe is important for both of you to have. And it's nice if he doesn't have addictions....to anything...gambling, the Internet, drugs, alcohol, porn, etc. It's pretty hard to have a successful marriage if your husband's first love is an addiction.
And to further complicate things, you become so quickly involved with this person to whom you're so physically attracted, you forget to sit down and have the basic conversations you MUST have before walking down the aisle....like: "What religion are you? What are your beliefs regarding religion? Do you want children, and, if so, how many? And how soon? How do you think our children should be raised? How do you think they should be disciplined? How do you think money should be handled? Are you a spender or a saver? Where do you want to live....country or city? How important is family to you...(parents, siblings, etc)? How do you feel about divorce? Is it something you would immediately consider if things got tough?
If this man you're so crazy about is uncomfortable talking about these issues, or doesn't really discuss them with you...just gives you one or two word answers...you can pretty much count on things going wrong quickly. The same goes for if his answers are the opposite of yours. Opposites may attract, but if you don't have the same value system the marriage is pretty much doomed.
Your list should also include "Morals". You want someone who will not step on others to get where he wants to go. Kindness to animals is real important...that says a lot about a person. Spirituality is very important as well...that's something that I believe is important for both of you to have. And it's nice if he doesn't have addictions....to anything...gambling, the Internet, drugs, alcohol, porn, etc. It's pretty hard to have a successful marriage if your husband's first love is an addiction.
And to further complicate things, you become so quickly involved with this person to whom you're so physically attracted, you forget to sit down and have the basic conversations you MUST have before walking down the aisle....like: "What religion are you? What are your beliefs regarding religion? Do you want children, and, if so, how many? And how soon? How do you think our children should be raised? How do you think they should be disciplined? How do you think money should be handled? Are you a spender or a saver? Where do you want to live....country or city? How important is family to you...(parents, siblings, etc)? How do you feel about divorce? Is it something you would immediately consider if things got tough?
If this man you're so crazy about is uncomfortable talking about these issues, or doesn't really discuss them with you...just gives you one or two word answers...you can pretty much count on things going wrong quickly. The same goes for if his answers are the opposite of yours. Opposites may attract, but if you don't have the same value system the marriage is pretty much doomed.
Look, any marriage, any relationship is a crap shoot. You don't know what's down the road, but you can sure increase your chances of success if you will just wait until you are old enough to have had some life experiences and some education, and to figure out who you are first so that you can make mature, intelligent decisions about who you want to add to your life. You should know ahead of time what you want in a mate, and stay away from the type of loser who will take you down with him. Surround yourself with goal-oriented people, not drifters.
I have too often seen beautiful, college educated, intelligent, successful women who have built a great life for themselves and lose it all because they fall for some worthless parasite who wouldn't know what a job was if it jumped up and hit them in the face! I have seen these same women, who have worked for years building their own good lives, get sucked into an abusive, controlling, soul-destroying relationship by these men who are so good at conning; saying and doing whatever it takes to get their own needs met. I've seen these women go from happy and confident to sad, miserable little creatures with all the self-esteem beaten out of them...and when asked asked why they stay with this monster, they all say the same thing: "Because I love him!" I used to do volunteer work trying to help abused women and I heard this all the time. I would ask them just what there was to "love" about these men and I never did get a straight answer. I finally had to quit trying to help them; it was like spitting into the ocean. No one can help someone who refuses to help themselves.
One last thing: once you find someone who passes the above tests, and you decide to go ahead with the marriage....please try not to get crazy and carried away with the WEDDING ceremony and forget that what's most important is the MARRIAGE! Don't blow a huge amount of money on a one-day thing...wouldn't you rather save that money for a nicer honeymoon, and then bank some so that occasionally you can take a weekend trip to a mountain or beach cabin, or a cabin in the woods, just the two of you? And do you really want to start your marriage deeply in debt? The number one cause of divorce is money! Think about that.
The things which will make you the happiest and most content have no price tag!
Friday, February 15, 2008
A LETTER TO THOSE WHO COMMENT ON MY POSTS...
Dear people,
First, I do want to thank all of you who take the time to read what I've written, and then comment on these posts. I think about all that you say and I learn from everyone with whom I come into contact.
I welcome your opinions....even when they differ from mine....and I will publish your comments on the blog (so long as they are not full of hate or foul language), even if they make me uncomfortable. Like my Dad used to say when I was growing up: "You can disagree with me all you want, so long as you do it with respect."
I realize that I "rant" sometimes....I am passionate about all of us making this world a better place and it frustrates me when I see someone going down a road that can lead to disaster. Maybe it's the Mother in me, but I want to grab that person and say, "Please, listen to me! I have seen what can happen and I don't want that to happen to you!"
Those of you who have read my posts know that one of my major hot buttons is teen pregnancy....for so many reasons I cannot even name them all. But, here's what I want you to understand: When I speak to this issue, and I come off as being rather rough, I am speaking to those young women who become pregnant carelessly, never giving any kind of thought to the consequences to the resulting child, and I MEAN it to be rough! I don't sugarcoat issues just to avoid ruffling a few feathers. It is not my way to back away from controversy...and I'm willing to take the heat for that. This issue is just too important; there are children involved and I am an advocate for children. I am trying to reach these young women BEFORE they walk that path..and, if they've already gone there once, I'm just asking them to think twice before they go there again.
I am NOT talking to you young Moms who have become pregnant even though you tried to prevent it, or have become pregnant by someone you truly thought you loved. I'm not talking to you Moms who, despite all odds, have taken responsibility for your child or children, and stepped up to make a good life for yourselves and these children! (I have been there myself!! If you've been able to read all my posts you will see this is true.)
I'm not talking to you, because you will be okay. You are ALREADY okay. I give you all the credit for becoming mature, loving, caring and responsible young women...I know firsthand how hard that is. You have earned and deserve the respect due you for taking care of yourself and your children.
So please, when you see a posting about teen pregnancy that seems harsh, know that if you don't fit that groove, I'm not talking to you.
However, if the shoe I throw out there fits you....I hope you will wear it.
I'm not so much talking to adults in my postings...the ones I want so much to reach are younger people; those who still have time to turn in the right direction and maybe will take to heart what I'm saying, and hopefully will take steps to prevent disaster before it happens. (And I am aware of the fact that what I may perceive as "disaster" another will simply take in stride. I am guilty of being a bit dramatic sometimes. I'll work on that.)
We need to remember that no man is an island...everything each of us does trickles down and affects others, and the object is to affect others in a positive way, rather than negative. This is what I'm trying to do; what I've tried to do all my life.
I have been on this Earth for 64 years, now. I have been through some very tough times. I have raised three great children alone, a boy and two girls, and they are all successful in their lives. (Sometimes I think they have turned out so well despite me, rather than because of me, because I've made mistakes...but I thank God every day for the wonderful spirits they are, regardless of how they arrived there or who can take the credit.)
I also have been a mentor to many others, young and old, during these years. I like to think I've made a difference to some; maybe put them on a better path so they can enjoy a good life. I sure don't profess to know everything....what I don't know would fill the Grand Canyon. However, I have learned a lot, both from books and other sources, and from experience....mostly painful experience...and I would love to impart that knowledge to others who just need someone to care enough to take the time to offer the benefit of that hard-earned knowledge. That is the purpose of this blog.
I have heard many people wistfully say, (and I've said it myself) "I wish I could turn back time and do this or that over again. I would not make those stupid mistakes again." Wouldn't we ALL love a do-over? And then, I realize that, yes, if we could all turn back time and start all over again, maybe we wouldn't make the same mistakes...but, we sure would make a whole set of new ones....because that's human nature. No one is perfect. Mistakes are inevitable. That's how we learn.
I also believe that it's a huge cosmic joke that wisdom is aquired by getting old. By the time we're wise, we're too old to put that wisdom to good use. I mean, why didn't we have wisdom when we were young and strong and able use that wisdom when we had the energy to do so? HA! (What is that old German saying?...oh yes: "We get too soon old and too late smart.")....so, that's why it's good to have the older ones who do have the wisdom there to guide the ones who aren't so wise yet.
Unfortunately, the young ones too often see the older ones as a nuisance, especially here in America. I don't know everything, of course, and there are always exceptions....but, mostly I think we are one of the few countries where our elders are so disrespected, ignored, and made invisible. Of course, the Eskimos used to have a nasty way of getting rid of their elders...putting them in a boat and sending them out to sea wasn't very nice....but, you get my point.
So, here's the bottom line: I truly care about the people I'm trying to reach. I care about the world and I want to see less pain and more happiness in it. If I get a little dramatic and rant a bit, I hope you will forgive that and just take the gist of what I'm trying to say, knowing that I say it with good intentions...and maybe just think about it.
I'll be happy with that.
Thanks again for visiting with me, and I do want to hear from you.
First, I do want to thank all of you who take the time to read what I've written, and then comment on these posts. I think about all that you say and I learn from everyone with whom I come into contact.
I welcome your opinions....even when they differ from mine....and I will publish your comments on the blog (so long as they are not full of hate or foul language), even if they make me uncomfortable. Like my Dad used to say when I was growing up: "You can disagree with me all you want, so long as you do it with respect."
I realize that I "rant" sometimes....I am passionate about all of us making this world a better place and it frustrates me when I see someone going down a road that can lead to disaster. Maybe it's the Mother in me, but I want to grab that person and say, "Please, listen to me! I have seen what can happen and I don't want that to happen to you!"
Those of you who have read my posts know that one of my major hot buttons is teen pregnancy....for so many reasons I cannot even name them all. But, here's what I want you to understand: When I speak to this issue, and I come off as being rather rough, I am speaking to those young women who become pregnant carelessly, never giving any kind of thought to the consequences to the resulting child, and I MEAN it to be rough! I don't sugarcoat issues just to avoid ruffling a few feathers. It is not my way to back away from controversy...and I'm willing to take the heat for that. This issue is just too important; there are children involved and I am an advocate for children. I am trying to reach these young women BEFORE they walk that path..and, if they've already gone there once, I'm just asking them to think twice before they go there again.
I am NOT talking to you young Moms who have become pregnant even though you tried to prevent it, or have become pregnant by someone you truly thought you loved. I'm not talking to you Moms who, despite all odds, have taken responsibility for your child or children, and stepped up to make a good life for yourselves and these children! (I have been there myself!! If you've been able to read all my posts you will see this is true.)
I'm not talking to you, because you will be okay. You are ALREADY okay. I give you all the credit for becoming mature, loving, caring and responsible young women...I know firsthand how hard that is. You have earned and deserve the respect due you for taking care of yourself and your children.
So please, when you see a posting about teen pregnancy that seems harsh, know that if you don't fit that groove, I'm not talking to you.
However, if the shoe I throw out there fits you....I hope you will wear it.
I'm not so much talking to adults in my postings...the ones I want so much to reach are younger people; those who still have time to turn in the right direction and maybe will take to heart what I'm saying, and hopefully will take steps to prevent disaster before it happens. (And I am aware of the fact that what I may perceive as "disaster" another will simply take in stride. I am guilty of being a bit dramatic sometimes. I'll work on that.)
We need to remember that no man is an island...everything each of us does trickles down and affects others, and the object is to affect others in a positive way, rather than negative. This is what I'm trying to do; what I've tried to do all my life.
I have been on this Earth for 64 years, now. I have been through some very tough times. I have raised three great children alone, a boy and two girls, and they are all successful in their lives. (Sometimes I think they have turned out so well despite me, rather than because of me, because I've made mistakes...but I thank God every day for the wonderful spirits they are, regardless of how they arrived there or who can take the credit.)
I also have been a mentor to many others, young and old, during these years. I like to think I've made a difference to some; maybe put them on a better path so they can enjoy a good life. I sure don't profess to know everything....what I don't know would fill the Grand Canyon. However, I have learned a lot, both from books and other sources, and from experience....mostly painful experience...and I would love to impart that knowledge to others who just need someone to care enough to take the time to offer the benefit of that hard-earned knowledge. That is the purpose of this blog.
I have heard many people wistfully say, (and I've said it myself) "I wish I could turn back time and do this or that over again. I would not make those stupid mistakes again." Wouldn't we ALL love a do-over? And then, I realize that, yes, if we could all turn back time and start all over again, maybe we wouldn't make the same mistakes...but, we sure would make a whole set of new ones....because that's human nature. No one is perfect. Mistakes are inevitable. That's how we learn.
I also believe that it's a huge cosmic joke that wisdom is aquired by getting old. By the time we're wise, we're too old to put that wisdom to good use. I mean, why didn't we have wisdom when we were young and strong and able use that wisdom when we had the energy to do so? HA! (What is that old German saying?...oh yes: "We get too soon old and too late smart.")....so, that's why it's good to have the older ones who do have the wisdom there to guide the ones who aren't so wise yet.
Unfortunately, the young ones too often see the older ones as a nuisance, especially here in America. I don't know everything, of course, and there are always exceptions....but, mostly I think we are one of the few countries where our elders are so disrespected, ignored, and made invisible. Of course, the Eskimos used to have a nasty way of getting rid of their elders...putting them in a boat and sending them out to sea wasn't very nice....but, you get my point.
So, here's the bottom line: I truly care about the people I'm trying to reach. I care about the world and I want to see less pain and more happiness in it. If I get a little dramatic and rant a bit, I hope you will forgive that and just take the gist of what I'm trying to say, knowing that I say it with good intentions...and maybe just think about it.
I'll be happy with that.
Thanks again for visiting with me, and I do want to hear from you.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
CYBER-STUPID
**Sigh**
I never cease to be amazed at the gullibility of people when they get on an Internet dating site.
First of all, why would you want to put all your information out there for so many freaks to see? It's the equivalent of standing naked in the streets with all of your personal information written all over your body in bright red marker ink. You are that vulnerable.
(I'm sure there are some nice people who belong to these dating sites...and I know that there are lots of success stories....and good for all of you who fall into that category. You can probably quit reading this now because it won't apply to you.)
I also am aware that you can meet a man in any other venue, such as a church, or by being introduced by a mutual friend, and it can turn into a disaster...but, at least you have a fighting chance to get a feel for this person because it's a face-to-face meeting.
There are exceptions to every rule; every situation...but I'm not talking about those exceptions today. My intent is to discuss what can..and too often does happen because I want you to think about it.
Despite the success stories, I have to believe that there are many more weirdos who cannot relate on a normal level to the rest of society so they hide behind a made-up persona and prey upon the nice people....translation: the "naive" people. In my opinion, because there are very real risks involved in internet dating, and women are hurt and killed all the time, and you really cannot tell if someone is being honest in their profile, it's too great a risk to take.
You ladies out there....I'm mostly speaking to you because you are usually far greater in number on these sites.....looking for love in all the wrong places. You have this daydream of meeting Mr. Right who's going to fall madly in love with you, marry you immediately, and support you in the style to which you WANT to become accustomed. So you tippity tap the keys and get yourself onto one of these sites, put it all out there, and, before you know it, BAM! You're getting hits from all these wonderful guys who are just drooling to get next to you. Oh, according to them, they are all rich, good-looking, drive brand new Jaguars or Mercedes', never been married, are in their 30's or 40's....not too often past 45. Or, they are divorced, but it's because she didn't understand him or she was a witch, or....whatever. It's never his fault.
"But", you argue," you have to fill out all this information on a questionnaire so it HAS to be accurate!"
Think about that.......NOT! Who's going to check that information someone puts onto that questionnaire? Do you honestly think that there's someone on these sites who sits at their computer and checks out the thousands and thousands of questionnaires that are coming in each day? Come on.
These sites are out to make money. Period. They do not care who joins as long as they get their money. They do not care about you. They do not have time to check out everyone. You are on your own.
Let's play a little game: let's play "Worse Case Scenario":
Let's say you decide to go with it and start up a "relationship" with one or more of the guys who are interested. Then, you concentrate on one because maybe he told just the right lie....(it was easy for him because you, being a woman, have a natural tendency to spill your guts right off the bat, so he already knows enough about you to fill a book. If he's a manipulative, lying sociopath, like too many on those sites are, he will know exactly what to say to you, based on the keys you've given him.)
He tells you he's a doctor.....or lawyer....you fill in the blanks, but it has to be someone who makes lots of money, because he knows "that's what every woman wants". Of course....who wants to live in poverty? Money equals security...and most of you who go to these sites have already been through the wringer one way or another; you're emotionally bruised and battered; you've had your share of losers; maybe you've been divorced and have some kids and are living in pretty meager circumstances, and you're tired of it! (been there...hated it...so I understand.) This guy comes along and knows that if he can offer you financial "security" he will definitely get your attention, so that's the first line he throws out.
Now, let's say he's a pedophile, (and/or a murderer). He's trolling the dating sites, just looking for a woman with children, who's living in these meager circumstances like I've described. And, oh, he's hit paydirt with you, because why? You've told him enough about yourself right off the bat to fill a book, remember? Including the fact that you have kids, their ages, and probably what hobbies they have. So, he throws out line #2: "I just LOVE kids!" And you think, Wow! Isn't that great? And you get all warm and fuzzy inside. (I'll bet his toes curled too, at the thought of your sweet little kids.)
Before you know what hit you, he's talked you into a face-to-face meeting. You're at least smart enough to know that you don't meet a stranger anywhere but in a public place,(aren't you?) so you agree to a restaurant where you meet for dinner.....where you tell him even more about yourself....now we're up to TWO books! And you say, Well, he was so interested in me, and he asked me so many questions, and "I didn't want to be rude." (Here's a clue: BE RUDE! Stop being so darn polite. Women are so ingrained from the time we're little to "be polite". Well, that was then and this is now. You can "polite" yourself into being raped and/or murdered. Just because someone asks you a question, does not mean you are obligated to answer.) Because you've been so polite, he now has all the keys he needs to proceed and turn your life upside down.
How much have you found out about him at this point? Hmmm....I'd be willing to bet it's not nearly as much as he's discovered about you. However, you've been careful not to give him your home address, because that would be stupid at this point, wouldn't it? You may have given him your cell phone number though. That's safe, right?
So, okay, he's told you he drives whatever new car he decides would be fun....where is it? When you leave the restaurant, he's careful to walk you to your car...which happens to be conveniently parked a good distance away from his car....(no matter where you've parked.) And, now he has your license tag number...which will allow him to find out your address! It's public information. Your address will allow him to find your home phone number....reverse directory. Again, public information. So, despite your "cautious" public first meeting, he has your address.....and now, he has access to you AND your children. Nice, huh. But, at this point, you don't know all this, and you drive away thinking "What a nice guy!" And you start fantasizing about where this will lead, and you start practicing the name you'll use when you marry this guy. Meanwhile, he's busy planning just how he'll break into your home and murder all of you.
Alright. Let's back up. Let's say this guy isn't a murderer. He's just your common, every day sociopath con man who's wanting some woman who will give HIM a free ride. You might not be looking for someone to support you; you have a really great income, or you have an inheritance, or you won the lottery...whatever. You're just lonely, but he's told you he's financially secure so you think, "isn't it nice that he has his own money." (Here's another clue: If you are well-off, don't walk into that restaurant dripping jewels and wearing clothes that scream "I'm rich!" Shut up about your income, drive someone else's not-so-nice car and dress way down.)
You've told him where you work; what kind of work you do, or you've given him enough clues that he's figured out you have money.(the truth). He's told you he's a doctor, or lawyer, or whatever says "money". (a lie. If he even has a job, it's probably minimum wage...or else he's still living on money he's already conned out of other lonely women.) You tell him you've never been married, or that you are divorced and you have kids.(the truth). He tells you he's divorced; no kids, and the divorce was all her fault..she ran away to Mexico with the gardner. (a lie. Most likely he's still married with several kids, or, he's divorced because she threw him out after he stole all her money and cheated on her constantly with her best friend, her sister, or her mother!...or other women he's met on the Internet.)
If he's divorced, a con man, and looking for his next victim, he will immediately flatter you, tell you everything you want to hear (and you've given him the keys....remember those two "books" you filled with information about yourself? Coming back to haunt you.) He will start pressuring you to marry him as soon as possible, within days. That's an immediate red screaming alarm. No one can love another person in that short a time. But, tired of being alone, seduced in all ways by a false sense of security, convinced that you are just so irresistable that he is absolutely head over heels in love with you, wanting some stability, or companionship, or a "dad" for your kids....or whatever it is you think this stranger (because, really, how well DO you know him at this point) can bring to your life....you fall down right into the pits of hell and marry him.
Ever hear the expression: "Marry in haste, repent in leisure"? You will learn what that means.
So, now, you're married. You haven't taken the time to find out any real things about him. And he's made sure you never had a moment alone to think or reason or ask questions like: "Uhhh...where's this car you said you have?" NOW you ask. Too late. His response is, "It's in the shop." Then, because he never seems to leave your side, you ask: "Uhhhh...don't you have to go to work today?" His response: "I decided to take some time off....so I can spend it with you." And, because you never checked into his background; just accepted everything he told you and have allowed him to rush you into marriage, you don't think too much about his answers at this point.....not too much...though you're starting to get that little uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach....that instinct we all have, but women don't listen to often enough...because we want to be "polite" and not ask too many rude questions, and make someone think we don't trust them. We don't want to hurt their feelings. (Meanwhile, this person whose feelings WE don't want to hurt is busy plotting the demise of our self-respect, our finances, our identities and everything else we've worked all our lives to aquire so HE can have an easy life.)
(By the way, here's another clue: con men always seem to have their money "tied up" in stocks, bonds, or there's a "glitch at the bank"...some excuse as to why they don't have access to their money, so it's "Hey, honey, could you loan me a few thousand to tide me over for a few days...just until I get the bank straightened out?" And don't be fooled by the fact that he probably gave you jewelry and spent lots of money on you before you were married...that money was a reserve he had just for that purpose and he probably got it from another woman he conned before you.
Your answer better be "NO!" You can smile sweetly while you say it...but you'd better say it! Firmly and with no room for arguement! NEVER, NEVER NEVER give ANY man ANY money for ANYthing. If he really has money, he will always have access to it, no matter what. Again, ladies....red screaming alarm. That's the first clue that he's full of crap. And, if he gets mad at you, or plays the guilt card...and a con man will do both....that's yet another clue.)
The next thing you know, this man you've so foolishly married; this man you barely know, finally removes his mask and everything starts to crumble. You find out he isn't a doctor or whatever, has no money, no job; that everything he's told you about himself is a lie, and he expects you to support him while he lies around all day on the couch.
Or, if you are that woman who is independently wealthy, you are now shocked to find out this man has nothing of his own....and, even worse, is a bigamist, and now he has total access to all your money, credit cards, and whatever else he can find, and before you can say "I've been screwed!" he's down the road and off to the next victim. And, guess what? That's what you get.
I'm sorry, I know that's harsh, but it's true. Deal with it. Remember, YOU wanted to take the easy way out yourself, if you were having financial difficulties. You wanted to believe that he had money so you could relax, so you were driven by greed, just like him. It was only the difference in degrees of greed that set you apart.
And, if you were the independently wealthy woman, even more shame on you because you were downright stupid. You had...(notice I said "had", not "have", because, remember, Mr. Wonderful took all your money) the money to hire a private inventigator to check out this guy's background, if you would have just used common sense and not been so vain as to believe that someone could just fall in love with you at first sight, no matter how beautiful you are. It doesn't happen. REAL love takes time.
Ladies, listen, please: First of all, stay off these dating sites. Don't go into chat rooms, either. But, if you refuse to follow that advice, at the very least, do a complete background check, even, (and especially), a police records check, on any guy you decide to let into your life. Keep him away from your children. Do not allow him into your home until you have checked him out. Do not tell him too much about yourself or your children. Get as much information from him as possible and verify it. If any little thing doesn't check out, if you catch him in just one tiny lie, the red alarms should go off. Don't accept any lame explanations just because you don't want to believe he's a slimeball. (If you have the money, hire a private detective.) Don't be afraid to hurt his feelings....IF HE HAS NOTHING TO HIDE, HE WILL HIDE NOTHING.
Get to know him very slowly, a little at a time. That means STAY OUT OF THE BEDROOM. Have enough self-respect to think of yourself as a treasure that you don't just give away to someone just because they want it. They need to earn that. If he pressures you in any way, again, red alarm time. This shows disrepect for your wishes.
The most important thing I can leave you with is this: These men think women are stupid...don't prove them right! Protect yourself...and your children, if you have any. No man is worth losing everything for. Take your time getting to know him. Do not take anything he tells you at face value. Get proof. Listen to your instincts; do not override them just to avoid hurting someone's feelings. We live in the Internet age where people's information is readily available. And, if you have to pay a few dollars to access that information, it's money well-spent because you and your children's safety, well-being, and possibly your lives are at stake. Be smart!
And remember: IF SOMETHING SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE...IT MOST LIKELY IS.
I never cease to be amazed at the gullibility of people when they get on an Internet dating site.
First of all, why would you want to put all your information out there for so many freaks to see? It's the equivalent of standing naked in the streets with all of your personal information written all over your body in bright red marker ink. You are that vulnerable.
(I'm sure there are some nice people who belong to these dating sites...and I know that there are lots of success stories....and good for all of you who fall into that category. You can probably quit reading this now because it won't apply to you.)
I also am aware that you can meet a man in any other venue, such as a church, or by being introduced by a mutual friend, and it can turn into a disaster...but, at least you have a fighting chance to get a feel for this person because it's a face-to-face meeting.
There are exceptions to every rule; every situation...but I'm not talking about those exceptions today. My intent is to discuss what can..and too often does happen because I want you to think about it.
Despite the success stories, I have to believe that there are many more weirdos who cannot relate on a normal level to the rest of society so they hide behind a made-up persona and prey upon the nice people....translation: the "naive" people. In my opinion, because there are very real risks involved in internet dating, and women are hurt and killed all the time, and you really cannot tell if someone is being honest in their profile, it's too great a risk to take.
You ladies out there....I'm mostly speaking to you because you are usually far greater in number on these sites.....looking for love in all the wrong places. You have this daydream of meeting Mr. Right who's going to fall madly in love with you, marry you immediately, and support you in the style to which you WANT to become accustomed. So you tippity tap the keys and get yourself onto one of these sites, put it all out there, and, before you know it, BAM! You're getting hits from all these wonderful guys who are just drooling to get next to you. Oh, according to them, they are all rich, good-looking, drive brand new Jaguars or Mercedes', never been married, are in their 30's or 40's....not too often past 45. Or, they are divorced, but it's because she didn't understand him or she was a witch, or....whatever. It's never his fault.
"But", you argue," you have to fill out all this information on a questionnaire so it HAS to be accurate!"
Think about that.......NOT! Who's going to check that information someone puts onto that questionnaire? Do you honestly think that there's someone on these sites who sits at their computer and checks out the thousands and thousands of questionnaires that are coming in each day? Come on.
These sites are out to make money. Period. They do not care who joins as long as they get their money. They do not care about you. They do not have time to check out everyone. You are on your own.
Let's play a little game: let's play "Worse Case Scenario":
Let's say you decide to go with it and start up a "relationship" with one or more of the guys who are interested. Then, you concentrate on one because maybe he told just the right lie....(it was easy for him because you, being a woman, have a natural tendency to spill your guts right off the bat, so he already knows enough about you to fill a book. If he's a manipulative, lying sociopath, like too many on those sites are, he will know exactly what to say to you, based on the keys you've given him.)
He tells you he's a doctor.....or lawyer....you fill in the blanks, but it has to be someone who makes lots of money, because he knows "that's what every woman wants". Of course....who wants to live in poverty? Money equals security...and most of you who go to these sites have already been through the wringer one way or another; you're emotionally bruised and battered; you've had your share of losers; maybe you've been divorced and have some kids and are living in pretty meager circumstances, and you're tired of it! (been there...hated it...so I understand.) This guy comes along and knows that if he can offer you financial "security" he will definitely get your attention, so that's the first line he throws out.
Now, let's say he's a pedophile, (and/or a murderer). He's trolling the dating sites, just looking for a woman with children, who's living in these meager circumstances like I've described. And, oh, he's hit paydirt with you, because why? You've told him enough about yourself right off the bat to fill a book, remember? Including the fact that you have kids, their ages, and probably what hobbies they have. So, he throws out line #2: "I just LOVE kids!" And you think, Wow! Isn't that great? And you get all warm and fuzzy inside. (I'll bet his toes curled too, at the thought of your sweet little kids.)
Before you know what hit you, he's talked you into a face-to-face meeting. You're at least smart enough to know that you don't meet a stranger anywhere but in a public place,(aren't you?) so you agree to a restaurant where you meet for dinner.....where you tell him even more about yourself....now we're up to TWO books! And you say, Well, he was so interested in me, and he asked me so many questions, and "I didn't want to be rude." (Here's a clue: BE RUDE! Stop being so darn polite. Women are so ingrained from the time we're little to "be polite". Well, that was then and this is now. You can "polite" yourself into being raped and/or murdered. Just because someone asks you a question, does not mean you are obligated to answer.) Because you've been so polite, he now has all the keys he needs to proceed and turn your life upside down.
How much have you found out about him at this point? Hmmm....I'd be willing to bet it's not nearly as much as he's discovered about you. However, you've been careful not to give him your home address, because that would be stupid at this point, wouldn't it? You may have given him your cell phone number though. That's safe, right?
So, okay, he's told you he drives whatever new car he decides would be fun....where is it? When you leave the restaurant, he's careful to walk you to your car...which happens to be conveniently parked a good distance away from his car....(no matter where you've parked.) And, now he has your license tag number...which will allow him to find out your address! It's public information. Your address will allow him to find your home phone number....reverse directory. Again, public information. So, despite your "cautious" public first meeting, he has your address.....and now, he has access to you AND your children. Nice, huh. But, at this point, you don't know all this, and you drive away thinking "What a nice guy!" And you start fantasizing about where this will lead, and you start practicing the name you'll use when you marry this guy. Meanwhile, he's busy planning just how he'll break into your home and murder all of you.
Alright. Let's back up. Let's say this guy isn't a murderer. He's just your common, every day sociopath con man who's wanting some woman who will give HIM a free ride. You might not be looking for someone to support you; you have a really great income, or you have an inheritance, or you won the lottery...whatever. You're just lonely, but he's told you he's financially secure so you think, "isn't it nice that he has his own money." (Here's another clue: If you are well-off, don't walk into that restaurant dripping jewels and wearing clothes that scream "I'm rich!" Shut up about your income, drive someone else's not-so-nice car and dress way down.)
You've told him where you work; what kind of work you do, or you've given him enough clues that he's figured out you have money.(the truth). He's told you he's a doctor, or lawyer, or whatever says "money". (a lie. If he even has a job, it's probably minimum wage...or else he's still living on money he's already conned out of other lonely women.) You tell him you've never been married, or that you are divorced and you have kids.(the truth). He tells you he's divorced; no kids, and the divorce was all her fault..she ran away to Mexico with the gardner. (a lie. Most likely he's still married with several kids, or, he's divorced because she threw him out after he stole all her money and cheated on her constantly with her best friend, her sister, or her mother!...or other women he's met on the Internet.)
If he's divorced, a con man, and looking for his next victim, he will immediately flatter you, tell you everything you want to hear (and you've given him the keys....remember those two "books" you filled with information about yourself? Coming back to haunt you.) He will start pressuring you to marry him as soon as possible, within days. That's an immediate red screaming alarm. No one can love another person in that short a time. But, tired of being alone, seduced in all ways by a false sense of security, convinced that you are just so irresistable that he is absolutely head over heels in love with you, wanting some stability, or companionship, or a "dad" for your kids....or whatever it is you think this stranger (because, really, how well DO you know him at this point) can bring to your life....you fall down right into the pits of hell and marry him.
Ever hear the expression: "Marry in haste, repent in leisure"? You will learn what that means.
So, now, you're married. You haven't taken the time to find out any real things about him. And he's made sure you never had a moment alone to think or reason or ask questions like: "Uhhh...where's this car you said you have?" NOW you ask. Too late. His response is, "It's in the shop." Then, because he never seems to leave your side, you ask: "Uhhhh...don't you have to go to work today?" His response: "I decided to take some time off....so I can spend it with you." And, because you never checked into his background; just accepted everything he told you and have allowed him to rush you into marriage, you don't think too much about his answers at this point.....not too much...though you're starting to get that little uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach....that instinct we all have, but women don't listen to often enough...because we want to be "polite" and not ask too many rude questions, and make someone think we don't trust them. We don't want to hurt their feelings. (Meanwhile, this person whose feelings WE don't want to hurt is busy plotting the demise of our self-respect, our finances, our identities and everything else we've worked all our lives to aquire so HE can have an easy life.)
(By the way, here's another clue: con men always seem to have their money "tied up" in stocks, bonds, or there's a "glitch at the bank"...some excuse as to why they don't have access to their money, so it's "Hey, honey, could you loan me a few thousand to tide me over for a few days...just until I get the bank straightened out?" And don't be fooled by the fact that he probably gave you jewelry and spent lots of money on you before you were married...that money was a reserve he had just for that purpose and he probably got it from another woman he conned before you.
Your answer better be "NO!" You can smile sweetly while you say it...but you'd better say it! Firmly and with no room for arguement! NEVER, NEVER NEVER give ANY man ANY money for ANYthing. If he really has money, he will always have access to it, no matter what. Again, ladies....red screaming alarm. That's the first clue that he's full of crap. And, if he gets mad at you, or plays the guilt card...and a con man will do both....that's yet another clue.)
The next thing you know, this man you've so foolishly married; this man you barely know, finally removes his mask and everything starts to crumble. You find out he isn't a doctor or whatever, has no money, no job; that everything he's told you about himself is a lie, and he expects you to support him while he lies around all day on the couch.
Or, if you are that woman who is independently wealthy, you are now shocked to find out this man has nothing of his own....and, even worse, is a bigamist, and now he has total access to all your money, credit cards, and whatever else he can find, and before you can say "I've been screwed!" he's down the road and off to the next victim. And, guess what? That's what you get.
I'm sorry, I know that's harsh, but it's true. Deal with it. Remember, YOU wanted to take the easy way out yourself, if you were having financial difficulties. You wanted to believe that he had money so you could relax, so you were driven by greed, just like him. It was only the difference in degrees of greed that set you apart.
And, if you were the independently wealthy woman, even more shame on you because you were downright stupid. You had...(notice I said "had", not "have", because, remember, Mr. Wonderful took all your money) the money to hire a private inventigator to check out this guy's background, if you would have just used common sense and not been so vain as to believe that someone could just fall in love with you at first sight, no matter how beautiful you are. It doesn't happen. REAL love takes time.
Ladies, listen, please: First of all, stay off these dating sites. Don't go into chat rooms, either. But, if you refuse to follow that advice, at the very least, do a complete background check, even, (and especially), a police records check, on any guy you decide to let into your life. Keep him away from your children. Do not allow him into your home until you have checked him out. Do not tell him too much about yourself or your children. Get as much information from him as possible and verify it. If any little thing doesn't check out, if you catch him in just one tiny lie, the red alarms should go off. Don't accept any lame explanations just because you don't want to believe he's a slimeball. (If you have the money, hire a private detective.) Don't be afraid to hurt his feelings....IF HE HAS NOTHING TO HIDE, HE WILL HIDE NOTHING.
Get to know him very slowly, a little at a time. That means STAY OUT OF THE BEDROOM. Have enough self-respect to think of yourself as a treasure that you don't just give away to someone just because they want it. They need to earn that. If he pressures you in any way, again, red alarm time. This shows disrepect for your wishes.
The most important thing I can leave you with is this: These men think women are stupid...don't prove them right! Protect yourself...and your children, if you have any. No man is worth losing everything for. Take your time getting to know him. Do not take anything he tells you at face value. Get proof. Listen to your instincts; do not override them just to avoid hurting someone's feelings. We live in the Internet age where people's information is readily available. And, if you have to pay a few dollars to access that information, it's money well-spent because you and your children's safety, well-being, and possibly your lives are at stake. Be smart!
And remember: IF SOMETHING SEEMS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE...IT MOST LIKELY IS.
DRAGONS, just for laughs.....
DO NOT MEDDLE IN THE AFFAIRS
OF DRAGONS....
FOR YOU ARE CRUNCHY
AND GOOD WITH CATSUP!
OF DRAGONS....
FOR YOU ARE CRUNCHY
AND GOOD WITH CATSUP!
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