Hello again...thanks for coming back.
I left you the last time when we were coming to the end of our stay at my aunt and uncle's place in Akron, and knowing it was time to move out on our own.
I grew to love Portage Lakes, which is a suburb of Akron, and I often visited that area while living with my aunt and uncle and wished I could live there. It was kind of like taking a step back in time, and peaceful; the lakes there were so pretty.
One day my uncle (knowing I was ready to get a place of our own) asked me where I'd like to live. I immediately said "Portage Lakes, but I'm pretty sure we couldn't afford that area." He didn't say anything then, but about a week later, he came to me and told me that he had arranged for us to rent this little place right across the street from one of the lakes!
(Here's The Secret at work again!) I was dumbfounded. My uncle was a much-beloved doctor and had many, many friends of all walks of life who would do anything for him.....this house came about when he called in a favor....and the rent was within my budget!
It was just a little place and I loved it on sight! It was perfect. And it was ours. My son was back home with us by then.
As I'm looking around, I'm thinking, "Okay, now we have to get some furniture", and I'm confident that we will be able to; I'm picturing in my mind where some used furniture places were in Akron. Oh yeah, and then there's the car issue. As I told you, I was using one that belonged to my aunt and uncle, but I didn't expect that to last forever. However, I wasn't afraid; I knew it would be fine.
We didn't have much to move into the house...remember what we arrived with. Bringing in a load, I looked behind me when I heard the sound of a truck pulling into the driveway....and out jumped a couple of guys who opened the back of the truck and started unloading furniture....everything we needed! I just couldn't believe my eyes. Seems my uncle called in some more favors. I was told not to ask any questions..so I didn't. (I'm sure you've heard the old saying: "don't look a gift horse in the mouth.)
The guys brought in everything and set it all up, including the beds. There were even sheets, blankets, pillows, etc. I went to the grocery store and got us what we needed and by that evening we were all settled in, having dinner in our new home. It was Heaven!
I continued to use my borrowed car for a little while longer, but knew I had to find my own.....and, guess what? About a week after we moved into our place, the couple across the street mentioned that they wanted to sell their car. It was not a new car (who cares, it ran!) and he only wanted $200 for it. That I could do....and now we had a car.
Time went on. I needed another job in addition to the one I had as an executive secretary. (There was no child support from the kids' father and in those days there was little, if any, enforcement.) I got a second job as a waitress in a dinner theatre close to home. I worked from 8 to 5 at the first job, then rushed home, ate a very quick dinner with the kids, (thank God for Crock Pots!!) and rushed off to my second job at the dinner theatre where I worked from 6 to midnight. Later on, when two jobs weren't enough, I got a third, working at McDonald's part time on weekends. Somehow, in between all this, I managed to do things with the kids.
Still, it was a struggle. I had to ask for help from the state: they gave us $70 a month food stamps and an allotment of $70 a month for child care...which were both Godsends. (remember, this was in 1973-1974). It made all the difference in the world.
The kids needed clothes....the neighbor across the street (from whom I bought the car) had kids older than mine so she passed on her kids' outgrown..and still new-looking...clothes to mine.
Are you getting the picture? Have you read The Secret yet?
Well, it's time to say bye for today...but, I want to leave you with a word of encouragement: put positive thoughts out into the Universe; override the negative...and believe! Recognize when your thoughts become things! and appreciate them.
It's July 14, 2008. My blog hits are now 345.....slowly, but surely.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
AKRON, JUNE 1973
I left you in my last post with our arrival in Akron at the home of my aunt and uncle.....and at the beginning of our new lives.
I was scared...but, still confident.
When we walked into my aunt and uncle's home, I handed my aunt the last $64.00 I had...a very small contribution for what I knew was a huge sacrifice for them and for my 5 cousins. (In today's money, that was probably the equivalent of $200.) My uncle was a doctor and the home was large and lovely, in the country, and was a paradise for us especially, because we had come from severe financial struggles. However, I did NOT have the attitude that because they were well-off that they owed us anything! I want to make that very clear! I simply felt blessed that they were there when we needed them, and willing to allow us the grace of sharing their home with us. If not for them, I don't know what we would have done.....but, the Secret was at work, and there they were.
The second thing I did upon arriving was to ask for the newspaper so I could look through the help-wanted ads for a job. This wasn't a vacation; I didn't use any excuses like I was tired, or wanted to take a break before looking for work. No. It was serious business and I knew I had to get moving so that we could get out on our own as soon as possible.
I sat down with the paper and a pen and started circling ads. Then I started making calls and arranging interviews.
The next day, I had an interview with an insurance company for the position of executive secretary. I did not have any experience in this field....but, that didn't deter me; I knew I could do it. When I walked into the office for the interview, I was handed the application to fill out and I sat down to fill it out.....along with about 10 other young ladies, who probably had loads more experience than I did.
I passed the first interview, and was given a second where I had to type a letter as it was being dictated to me by the boss. Talk about intimidating! But, somehow I passed all the tests and got the job, and started immediately.
Now, of course, I needed a car....and, remember I told you in my last post what we arrived with, and a car wasn't one of those things!
Again, the Secret was working: my aunt and uncle had an extra one that they let me use.....so, off to work I went.
During our stay in my aunt and uncle's home, my 14 year old son, who was extremely angry with me for taking him away from his friends and All-Star baseball team in the state we'd left, was busy rebelling and making life difficult for everyone. He wasn't getting along with my cousins and was being disruptive. You don't go stay in someone else's home and then become a source of disruption to them....so, we had to find a solution.
My best friend, whom I mentioned in my first post in this series, stepped up and offered to take him in....her cheerful and kind attitude was, "I already have 5 kids, what's one more?" (Well, I KNOW what one more was! She didn't live in a mansion and she certainly wasn't wealthy; she worked as hard as I did just to try to make it, so I know what a sacrifice it was. Not to mention that my son wasn't the little ray of sunshine that would have made his addition to their family more pleasant!)
Three months went by and somehow everyone survived....but it was time for us to get out on our own.....and getting our own place and a car of my own became my intense immediate goal. (It had always been my goal, but, had I known then what I know now about the Secret, I would have been able to know the steps necessary to achieve that goal much sooner!)
Well, this is a good place to stop for today, but I'll be back soon. I hope all of you had a wonderfully fun and exciting Fourth of July......mine was great, and The Secret was at work!
It's now 12:26 pm my time on July 5, 2008. There are 341 hits on my blog. (remember, part of this experiment is to explode the hits on my blog!)
I was scared...but, still confident.
When we walked into my aunt and uncle's home, I handed my aunt the last $64.00 I had...a very small contribution for what I knew was a huge sacrifice for them and for my 5 cousins. (In today's money, that was probably the equivalent of $200.) My uncle was a doctor and the home was large and lovely, in the country, and was a paradise for us especially, because we had come from severe financial struggles. However, I did NOT have the attitude that because they were well-off that they owed us anything! I want to make that very clear! I simply felt blessed that they were there when we needed them, and willing to allow us the grace of sharing their home with us. If not for them, I don't know what we would have done.....but, the Secret was at work, and there they were.
The second thing I did upon arriving was to ask for the newspaper so I could look through the help-wanted ads for a job. This wasn't a vacation; I didn't use any excuses like I was tired, or wanted to take a break before looking for work. No. It was serious business and I knew I had to get moving so that we could get out on our own as soon as possible.
I sat down with the paper and a pen and started circling ads. Then I started making calls and arranging interviews.
The next day, I had an interview with an insurance company for the position of executive secretary. I did not have any experience in this field....but, that didn't deter me; I knew I could do it. When I walked into the office for the interview, I was handed the application to fill out and I sat down to fill it out.....along with about 10 other young ladies, who probably had loads more experience than I did.
I passed the first interview, and was given a second where I had to type a letter as it was being dictated to me by the boss. Talk about intimidating! But, somehow I passed all the tests and got the job, and started immediately.
Now, of course, I needed a car....and, remember I told you in my last post what we arrived with, and a car wasn't one of those things!
Again, the Secret was working: my aunt and uncle had an extra one that they let me use.....so, off to work I went.
During our stay in my aunt and uncle's home, my 14 year old son, who was extremely angry with me for taking him away from his friends and All-Star baseball team in the state we'd left, was busy rebelling and making life difficult for everyone. He wasn't getting along with my cousins and was being disruptive. You don't go stay in someone else's home and then become a source of disruption to them....so, we had to find a solution.
My best friend, whom I mentioned in my first post in this series, stepped up and offered to take him in....her cheerful and kind attitude was, "I already have 5 kids, what's one more?" (Well, I KNOW what one more was! She didn't live in a mansion and she certainly wasn't wealthy; she worked as hard as I did just to try to make it, so I know what a sacrifice it was. Not to mention that my son wasn't the little ray of sunshine that would have made his addition to their family more pleasant!)
Three months went by and somehow everyone survived....but it was time for us to get out on our own.....and getting our own place and a car of my own became my intense immediate goal. (It had always been my goal, but, had I known then what I know now about the Secret, I would have been able to know the steps necessary to achieve that goal much sooner!)
Well, this is a good place to stop for today, but I'll be back soon. I hope all of you had a wonderfully fun and exciting Fourth of July......mine was great, and The Secret was at work!
It's now 12:26 pm my time on July 5, 2008. There are 341 hits on my blog. (remember, part of this experiment is to explode the hits on my blog!)
Thursday, July 3, 2008
"THE SECRET" SERIES EXPERIMENT
It has been brought to my attention recently by a friend...(my best friend actually, with whom I've been friends for the past 60 years....since kindergarten!)that it has been a long time since I've written anything in my blog. She is, of course, right.
My response to her was that I got discouraged because it seemed no one knows this blog exists, despite my attempts to get it noticed, so I said to heck with it and gave up.
Shame on me! A defeatist attitude is really not my M.O. I guess I got a little jealous of the success of other blogs and couldn't figure out how to get there myself....and I'm still not sure....but, I have figured this out: If I give up, it definitely won't happen....so, here I am again.
One of the things that has changed my mind is a book I've just started reading this morning called "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. I've only read 25 pages so far and it was like a lightning bolt struck me......because I realized that I already KNOW the Secrets in this book; I've just forgotten them!
So, I started thinking about all the times the Secret has actually worked in my life, and came up with so many it was mind-blowing! I didn't have a name for it at the time, but there it was.
I'm not going to tell you all that is in this book...each person needs to read it themselves for it to be effective. Get it on Ebay (like I did), or get it from the library, or borrow it from a friend....(hey, I'm not here to try to help sell the book; I have nothing to gain, and it certainly needs no help from me!) But, I will tell you this: it has to do with the law of attraction; the effect that our thoughts have...both positive and negative...and getting what you want out of life....AND it tells you how! On page 25 it lists "Secret Summaries"...and if you read nothing else, read that page...although you'd be crazy not to read the entire book! It won't take you long, and you have everything to gain.
As I said, I started thinking about all the times this worked for me, and I thought I'd list some of them...so, here goes:
In 1973 I was in a bad marriage, living in a Western state that I absolutely hated more than words can explain, needing to get my kids and myself away from this place and situation, had NO money, and not a clue how I was going to do it. But, I knew I could! Didn't know how just then, but had the confidence that I could make these changes. So, I began planning...and it came to me. All the steps I needed to take were there. I called my favorite aunt and uncle who lived in Ohio where I wanted to go, (my home state) told them what was going on and what I wanted to do, and asked if we could stay with them for a short time while I got on my feet. Blessedly, they said yes. I called my best friend, (the same one I mentioned above), also here in Ohio, and told her what was going on, and asked if I could send some packages to her home...just things that I knew I would need upon arriving. She also agreed.
Then I put my plan into action. I was working...making little money...but managed to put some aside. I had some yard sales and sold everything I could possibly sell and somehow, before long, the money I needed for the four plane tickets was in my hand...with $64 left over.
So now, I had four plane tickets, three young kids, no car, no home of my own, and only the clothes we had on our backs and what we could pack into our suitcases...and I think but cannot recall for sure...I may have packed some clothes and toys into those boxes I shipped to my friend's house. Truly scary....BUT...I had put the Secret into play; I just didn't know it.
We arrived at Cleveland-Hopkins Airport in June of 1973, tired and one of us wet...(my 4 year old daughter was afraid of the airplane's noisy bathroom, refused to go potty in it, and solved the problem in her own way by falling asleep and wetting her pants)...and my 80 year old grandfather, who happened to live in Cleveland, cheerfully picked us up at the airport, took us to his home, put us up overnight and then drove us the next day to Akron where my aunt and uncle lived, and where we were to stay for the next few months.
Okay. I'm going to stop here.
I'm going to put The Secret into play again and let's see what happens. This will be an experiment that you all can share with me and perhaps it will prove to you that it really works. I already know it does, as you will see in future postings. Your feedback will be most welcome!
I will make this into a series, with new postings on a regular basis. As I end this today, there have been 335 hits on my blog. It's July 3, 2008 at 12:40 pm my time.
I can't wait to see what happens....I haven't been this excited about anything for quite awhile!
My response to her was that I got discouraged because it seemed no one knows this blog exists, despite my attempts to get it noticed, so I said to heck with it and gave up.
Shame on me! A defeatist attitude is really not my M.O. I guess I got a little jealous of the success of other blogs and couldn't figure out how to get there myself....and I'm still not sure....but, I have figured this out: If I give up, it definitely won't happen....so, here I am again.
One of the things that has changed my mind is a book I've just started reading this morning called "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. I've only read 25 pages so far and it was like a lightning bolt struck me......because I realized that I already KNOW the Secrets in this book; I've just forgotten them!
So, I started thinking about all the times the Secret has actually worked in my life, and came up with so many it was mind-blowing! I didn't have a name for it at the time, but there it was.
I'm not going to tell you all that is in this book...each person needs to read it themselves for it to be effective. Get it on Ebay (like I did), or get it from the library, or borrow it from a friend....(hey, I'm not here to try to help sell the book; I have nothing to gain, and it certainly needs no help from me!) But, I will tell you this: it has to do with the law of attraction; the effect that our thoughts have...both positive and negative...and getting what you want out of life....AND it tells you how! On page 25 it lists "Secret Summaries"...and if you read nothing else, read that page...although you'd be crazy not to read the entire book! It won't take you long, and you have everything to gain.
As I said, I started thinking about all the times this worked for me, and I thought I'd list some of them...so, here goes:
In 1973 I was in a bad marriage, living in a Western state that I absolutely hated more than words can explain, needing to get my kids and myself away from this place and situation, had NO money, and not a clue how I was going to do it. But, I knew I could! Didn't know how just then, but had the confidence that I could make these changes. So, I began planning...and it came to me. All the steps I needed to take were there. I called my favorite aunt and uncle who lived in Ohio where I wanted to go, (my home state) told them what was going on and what I wanted to do, and asked if we could stay with them for a short time while I got on my feet. Blessedly, they said yes. I called my best friend, (the same one I mentioned above), also here in Ohio, and told her what was going on, and asked if I could send some packages to her home...just things that I knew I would need upon arriving. She also agreed.
Then I put my plan into action. I was working...making little money...but managed to put some aside. I had some yard sales and sold everything I could possibly sell and somehow, before long, the money I needed for the four plane tickets was in my hand...with $64 left over.
So now, I had four plane tickets, three young kids, no car, no home of my own, and only the clothes we had on our backs and what we could pack into our suitcases...and I think but cannot recall for sure...I may have packed some clothes and toys into those boxes I shipped to my friend's house. Truly scary....BUT...I had put the Secret into play; I just didn't know it.
We arrived at Cleveland-Hopkins Airport in June of 1973, tired and one of us wet...(my 4 year old daughter was afraid of the airplane's noisy bathroom, refused to go potty in it, and solved the problem in her own way by falling asleep and wetting her pants)...and my 80 year old grandfather, who happened to live in Cleveland, cheerfully picked us up at the airport, took us to his home, put us up overnight and then drove us the next day to Akron where my aunt and uncle lived, and where we were to stay for the next few months.
Okay. I'm going to stop here.
I'm going to put The Secret into play again and let's see what happens. This will be an experiment that you all can share with me and perhaps it will prove to you that it really works. I already know it does, as you will see in future postings. Your feedback will be most welcome!
I will make this into a series, with new postings on a regular basis. As I end this today, there have been 335 hits on my blog. It's July 3, 2008 at 12:40 pm my time.
I can't wait to see what happens....I haven't been this excited about anything for quite awhile!
Saturday, March 8, 2008
THE BARBIE DOLL SYNDROME
Soooo....when did it become such a terrible thing to look the way God made you? Or to grow old naturally?
I'm talking about this obsession too many of us have to be "beautiful" and "perfect"....or whatever the media TELLS us that might be. And who determines this standard, anyway?
Young girls in their early teens are asking for "nose jobs", breast augmentation, liposuction, etc. What is this nonsense with hating how you look? In the case of teens, I can understand some of it...I mean, before plastic surgery became the norm rather than a tool to help someone who was severely deformed, whether because of a birth defect or an accident, teens have always hated something about their looks. They don't realize that they will grow into their feet or noses or whatever. They don't appreciate their uniqueness. And, too often their mothers foster that discontent by encouraging them to have plastic surgery. (I say Mothers because usually the fathers couldn't care less, and think their daughters are beautiful, no matter what.) I can't even imagine the kind of thinking that makes it okay to basically tell your daughter she's less than beautiful....and that's what you are doing when you agree to put her under the knife and allow her to risk her life and health just so she can have a "perfect" nose or bigger boobs at age 16! She wants to look like these teen stars, or this or that famous model in a magazine who absolutely does NOT really look like her picture, which has been airbrushed or computer enhanced. NO one looks like that! And, by the way, these so-called "beautiful people" are not happy, either. I never saw such a bunch of miserable malcontents in my life as are in Hollywood! There are very few exceptions....and those exceptions are all living in the real world as real people. They know what is truly important.
Oh yeah, I've heard the arguments: "Well, she wanted this or that. It will give her more confidence." Uh huh. Okay. You believe that if you want. (What my Mother used to tell me when I asked for something ridiculous was "People in hell want ice water, too!" That pretty much ended the conversation. Her alternate response, in case she got tired of the first statement was then the question: "Have you fallen out of tree on your head?" Again, conversational suicide. There was no arguing with that.
I raised two daughters (and a son). There were things they griped about...but, plastic surgery never even entered their minds. They were always told they were beautiful, intelligent, interesting, funny, spiritual, loving, kind and empathetic....they were and still are! They were raised with true values. They were encouraged to recognize inner beauty...in themselves as well as others. I always told them: "Beauty is as beauty does!"...because no matter how pleasing your shell is to look at, if you are a self-centered, selfish, unkind, ignorant, vain, shallow person, you are ugly. And there's no surgery that will cure that!
This is something you teach your children from the time they are tiny. Especially your daughters. You also teach them that differences in people are what make them interesting...there are no molds that everyone should have to fall into in order to gain acceptance.
When I was in my 20's and 30's, I had a nice figure and people always told me I was "pretty". I was even told I looked like a Barbie doll. (No one can really look like that!) I really never saw it. I never thought I was ugly, but when I looked in the mirror I didn't see anything spectacular. That's because I was taught the same things I taught my children.
Now that I'm older, I look at photos taken when I was young and I think: "Darn! I wish I looked like that now!" But I don't. And that's okay. I have some wrinkles, my hair isn't as luxurious as it once was, and there are some extra pounds on me that I wish weren't there. I don't move as fast and I have more aches and pains. But I'm okay with that. Sometimes I look in the mirror and am shocked by that "old lady" looking back at me.....who is that? Because I don't FEEL old. In my mind, I'm still in my 30's or maybe 40's. But the mirror quickly jerks me back to reality. Sometimes I look at this reflection and I play with the idea of a little nip here, a little tuck there....and wouldn't that be nice. And then I ask myself: who would it be for? Would I be doing this for myself...or would it be because of someone else's idea of what is considered beautiful? Well, the answer is always the same: I don't need to measure up to someone else's standards...I have to measure up to my own...and those standards are pretty high and have nothing to do with physical appearance....and "old" does NOT equal ugly! Some of the most truly beautiful people do not look like plastic Barbie dolls! They have some age on them; they have not had any cosmetic surgery, and inner beauty makes them radiant! Their looks do not define who they are; their souls do. And, I don't care who you are or how good your surgeon is....when you have a face lift..or two or three...everyone can tell. Your skin is stretched so tight over your bony face that you look like a translucent skeleton! No one is fooled; they think you are pathetic.
What I do have at this stage of my life, and what I believe the truly beautiful people I just mentioned have, is inner peace. I like myself. I don't mean I think I'm wonderful....I mean I like myself. I have acquired wisdom. I know I am a good person, in that I truly care about others. I have conducted my life in a way of which I can be proud. Didn't always make the right decisions, but at least I learned from my mistakes and tried not to make them twice. I don't beat myself up for past mistakes because, first of all, I can't change the past, and secondly, I didn't make those mistakes with bad intentions. Do I wish I could go back and re-do things? Sure. But, if I did have a do-over, I'd only make a whole new set of mistakes, so better to let well enough alone.
As women, we need to stop letting others dictate to us how we should look; we need to define our own standards of beauty, and know that that beauty comes from within! And we need to teach our children....girls AND boys....what constitutes real beauty. Young girls need a reality check to figure out that no one is born looking like Barbie. (And, by the way, I did not allow my girls to play with Barbie dolls when they were growing up. I knew way back then that I didn't want them thinking this was how you should look, and becoming dissatisfied if they couldn't look like that.) We never discussed weight, either; I just made sure we all ate well and wisely from the time they were babies. There was no junk food in the house and they weren't allowed to drink soda in place of milk. We had a rule: no "brown" drinks because of the caffeine, and very little 7up or Ginger Ale. None of us was ever overweight. Part genetics and part common sense eating. Plus, they didn't sit in front of a TV all day either.
I know times are different now....but, some basic truths still apply. My youngest daughter and her husband have three gorgeous daughters (one is 16, and one is 12...the youngest is only 7 1/2 months) and they are raising them to be critical thinkers who are not falling victim to the media messages. They are not only lovely to look at, but beautiful inside as well....and isn't that what is most important?
So, see...the messages I taught my own children are being passed on, even today, despite all the media garbage that assaults our children!
The most influential parent to your children is the same sex parent...so, Mothers, please...teach your daughters to love themselves as they are. And, Fathers, teach your sons to look beyond physical appearances when they look at a young woman, and appreciate her for her mind too! And both Mom and Dad have to set a good example! Practice what you preach.
Learn to recognize the unrealistic Hollywood hype and see it for what it really is: A fairy tale; fun to read about; not to be taken seriously.
I'm talking about this obsession too many of us have to be "beautiful" and "perfect"....or whatever the media TELLS us that might be. And who determines this standard, anyway?
Young girls in their early teens are asking for "nose jobs", breast augmentation, liposuction, etc. What is this nonsense with hating how you look? In the case of teens, I can understand some of it...I mean, before plastic surgery became the norm rather than a tool to help someone who was severely deformed, whether because of a birth defect or an accident, teens have always hated something about their looks. They don't realize that they will grow into their feet or noses or whatever. They don't appreciate their uniqueness. And, too often their mothers foster that discontent by encouraging them to have plastic surgery. (I say Mothers because usually the fathers couldn't care less, and think their daughters are beautiful, no matter what.) I can't even imagine the kind of thinking that makes it okay to basically tell your daughter she's less than beautiful....and that's what you are doing when you agree to put her under the knife and allow her to risk her life and health just so she can have a "perfect" nose or bigger boobs at age 16! She wants to look like these teen stars, or this or that famous model in a magazine who absolutely does NOT really look like her picture, which has been airbrushed or computer enhanced. NO one looks like that! And, by the way, these so-called "beautiful people" are not happy, either. I never saw such a bunch of miserable malcontents in my life as are in Hollywood! There are very few exceptions....and those exceptions are all living in the real world as real people. They know what is truly important.
Oh yeah, I've heard the arguments: "Well, she wanted this or that. It will give her more confidence." Uh huh. Okay. You believe that if you want. (What my Mother used to tell me when I asked for something ridiculous was "People in hell want ice water, too!" That pretty much ended the conversation. Her alternate response, in case she got tired of the first statement was then the question: "Have you fallen out of tree on your head?" Again, conversational suicide. There was no arguing with that.
I raised two daughters (and a son). There were things they griped about...but, plastic surgery never even entered their minds. They were always told they were beautiful, intelligent, interesting, funny, spiritual, loving, kind and empathetic....they were and still are! They were raised with true values. They were encouraged to recognize inner beauty...in themselves as well as others. I always told them: "Beauty is as beauty does!"...because no matter how pleasing your shell is to look at, if you are a self-centered, selfish, unkind, ignorant, vain, shallow person, you are ugly. And there's no surgery that will cure that!
This is something you teach your children from the time they are tiny. Especially your daughters. You also teach them that differences in people are what make them interesting...there are no molds that everyone should have to fall into in order to gain acceptance.
When I was in my 20's and 30's, I had a nice figure and people always told me I was "pretty". I was even told I looked like a Barbie doll. (No one can really look like that!) I really never saw it. I never thought I was ugly, but when I looked in the mirror I didn't see anything spectacular. That's because I was taught the same things I taught my children.
Now that I'm older, I look at photos taken when I was young and I think: "Darn! I wish I looked like that now!" But I don't. And that's okay. I have some wrinkles, my hair isn't as luxurious as it once was, and there are some extra pounds on me that I wish weren't there. I don't move as fast and I have more aches and pains. But I'm okay with that. Sometimes I look in the mirror and am shocked by that "old lady" looking back at me.....who is that? Because I don't FEEL old. In my mind, I'm still in my 30's or maybe 40's. But the mirror quickly jerks me back to reality. Sometimes I look at this reflection and I play with the idea of a little nip here, a little tuck there....and wouldn't that be nice. And then I ask myself: who would it be for? Would I be doing this for myself...or would it be because of someone else's idea of what is considered beautiful? Well, the answer is always the same: I don't need to measure up to someone else's standards...I have to measure up to my own...and those standards are pretty high and have nothing to do with physical appearance....and "old" does NOT equal ugly! Some of the most truly beautiful people do not look like plastic Barbie dolls! They have some age on them; they have not had any cosmetic surgery, and inner beauty makes them radiant! Their looks do not define who they are; their souls do. And, I don't care who you are or how good your surgeon is....when you have a face lift..or two or three...everyone can tell. Your skin is stretched so tight over your bony face that you look like a translucent skeleton! No one is fooled; they think you are pathetic.
What I do have at this stage of my life, and what I believe the truly beautiful people I just mentioned have, is inner peace. I like myself. I don't mean I think I'm wonderful....I mean I like myself. I have acquired wisdom. I know I am a good person, in that I truly care about others. I have conducted my life in a way of which I can be proud. Didn't always make the right decisions, but at least I learned from my mistakes and tried not to make them twice. I don't beat myself up for past mistakes because, first of all, I can't change the past, and secondly, I didn't make those mistakes with bad intentions. Do I wish I could go back and re-do things? Sure. But, if I did have a do-over, I'd only make a whole new set of mistakes, so better to let well enough alone.
As women, we need to stop letting others dictate to us how we should look; we need to define our own standards of beauty, and know that that beauty comes from within! And we need to teach our children....girls AND boys....what constitutes real beauty. Young girls need a reality check to figure out that no one is born looking like Barbie. (And, by the way, I did not allow my girls to play with Barbie dolls when they were growing up. I knew way back then that I didn't want them thinking this was how you should look, and becoming dissatisfied if they couldn't look like that.) We never discussed weight, either; I just made sure we all ate well and wisely from the time they were babies. There was no junk food in the house and they weren't allowed to drink soda in place of milk. We had a rule: no "brown" drinks because of the caffeine, and very little 7up or Ginger Ale. None of us was ever overweight. Part genetics and part common sense eating. Plus, they didn't sit in front of a TV all day either.
I know times are different now....but, some basic truths still apply. My youngest daughter and her husband have three gorgeous daughters (one is 16, and one is 12...the youngest is only 7 1/2 months) and they are raising them to be critical thinkers who are not falling victim to the media messages. They are not only lovely to look at, but beautiful inside as well....and isn't that what is most important?
So, see...the messages I taught my own children are being passed on, even today, despite all the media garbage that assaults our children!
The most influential parent to your children is the same sex parent...so, Mothers, please...teach your daughters to love themselves as they are. And, Fathers, teach your sons to look beyond physical appearances when they look at a young woman, and appreciate her for her mind too! And both Mom and Dad have to set a good example! Practice what you preach.
Learn to recognize the unrealistic Hollywood hype and see it for what it really is: A fairy tale; fun to read about; not to be taken seriously.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
SO...YOU HATE YOUR JOB......
Well, I haven't been on a good rant for awhile. It's time!
I was just fine today...until I went to the grocery store. I decided to get some fresh seafood. Behind the counter was a young guy, probably in his early 20's. He was standing to the left of me, maybe 6 feet away....close enough that he could easily see me.....and I waited. And I waited. He ignored me. I was just about to say "hello?" when he finally looked up at me...and then back down. "What do you want?" he asked, as if I had some nerve bothering him. "Well, I'd like some of this salmon," I said, politely. "How many pounds do you want?" he demanded, still staying where he was; still looking down. "I don't know." I answered. Then, I pointed to a fillet and said, "This one looks about the size I want." Finally, very slowly, he ambles down to where I was and says, "Which one?" I started to point again to what I wanted and then suddenly something snapped in me. I just stopped dead until he finally looked at me, and then, looking him right in the eye, I said, calmly, quietly and firmly "Do we have an attitude today?" "Huh?" he says. So I repeated what I said. "No." he responded, mumbling something I couldn't quite hear. I said, "Good, because I'm not interested in any attitude today!" He finally got the fillet I had pointed to and....verrrrry slowly, wrapped it for me. (probably spit on it when I wasn't looking.) I thanked him and walked away. But I was fuming, because, let me tell you, I have a hair trigger and ZERO tolerance for attitude from anyone, but least of all from clerks in places where I'm spending my money!
On my way to the produce section, I happened to see a manager and I was still mad enough that I had to say something. He apologized, and told me it wasn't the first complaint he'd had about this kid. He said he was going to "immediately address the problem." I don't know if the kid lost his job over this...but, I don't care if he did! I'm tired of rude people in places of business.
I have been out in the working world since I was 16 years old and I have to say that it wasn't even an option in my mind to be rude to a customer! I've also owned my own business for the past 18 years, and if anyone working for me was ever rude to a client they'd lose their job. There wouldn't BE a second opportunity to do it again! (And, believe me, some of our clients down through the years have been pretty obnoxious and hard to take, but it isn't the job of the people working for me to respond in kind. If someone is nasty to one of my people, I will handle it in my own way. I've been known to "fire" clients just as fast as I'd fire an employee.)
It seems to be more and more acceptable, not only for employees to be rude, but for managers and business owners to overlook this behavior. Why is that? And it seems to be mostly people in their late teens and early 20's who are exhibiting this behavior...and I KNOW why that is! (Read my other posts and you'll see why.)
Many times in a grocery store, the cashier and the bagger will be carrying on some ridiculous inane conversation between themselves while totally ignoring the customer. The cashier's snapping gum, looking like a cow chewing her cud, laughing loudly, while tossing your produce off the conveyor belt, (the produce that you've spent time choosing carefully so you don't have bruised fruit) and the bagger is tossing cans into a bag on top of your bread and eggs while confiding her latest boyfriend problems or some other such nonsense to the cashier.
You know what? When this happens to me, I gently put my hand on top of the cashier's hand and stop her cold. When I have her full attention, I look her right in the eye and say: "I would like you to pay attention to what you're doing, and to your customers whose patronage here in this store is what allows you to have your job! None of us are interested in your personal life."
And, if the bagger has bruised the produce or squashed the bread, or overloaded one of those ridiculously flimsy plastic bags with heavy cans, I will ask them to go get me another loaf of bread, and to re-do those bags so that they make some kind of sense! And if I get attitude I will quietly say, "You seem to have a problem with my request...perhaps the manager can help." That pretty much stops the 'tude- storm in its tracks!
You know, I used to fume quietly and just go on my way. But, no more. The older I get, the less tolerance for bullcrap I have. (I plan on wearing a lot of purple, and a big red hat as I age, too! HA!) I'm tired of being treated like I'm a bother when I'm spending my money someplace. I'm sorry if you have problems at home, or you've had a bad day, or someone else has been rude to you and you decide to take it out on me. I didn't do anything to you and I won't allow you to treat me as if I have, or, even worse, as if I'm invisible. Keep your problems at home where they belong!
I am never rude to any clerks, restaurant servers, cashiers, or any other employees with whom I have any business dealings, and I expect to be treated with the same respect I show them. I am polite; I say please and thank you, I smile, and I look them in the eye!
I only ask for the same, simple, common courtesy.
I was just fine today...until I went to the grocery store. I decided to get some fresh seafood. Behind the counter was a young guy, probably in his early 20's. He was standing to the left of me, maybe 6 feet away....close enough that he could easily see me.....and I waited. And I waited. He ignored me. I was just about to say "hello?" when he finally looked up at me...and then back down. "What do you want?" he asked, as if I had some nerve bothering him. "Well, I'd like some of this salmon," I said, politely. "How many pounds do you want?" he demanded, still staying where he was; still looking down. "I don't know." I answered. Then, I pointed to a fillet and said, "This one looks about the size I want." Finally, very slowly, he ambles down to where I was and says, "Which one?" I started to point again to what I wanted and then suddenly something snapped in me. I just stopped dead until he finally looked at me, and then, looking him right in the eye, I said, calmly, quietly and firmly "Do we have an attitude today?" "Huh?" he says. So I repeated what I said. "No." he responded, mumbling something I couldn't quite hear. I said, "Good, because I'm not interested in any attitude today!" He finally got the fillet I had pointed to and....verrrrry slowly, wrapped it for me. (probably spit on it when I wasn't looking.) I thanked him and walked away. But I was fuming, because, let me tell you, I have a hair trigger and ZERO tolerance for attitude from anyone, but least of all from clerks in places where I'm spending my money!
On my way to the produce section, I happened to see a manager and I was still mad enough that I had to say something. He apologized, and told me it wasn't the first complaint he'd had about this kid. He said he was going to "immediately address the problem." I don't know if the kid lost his job over this...but, I don't care if he did! I'm tired of rude people in places of business.
I have been out in the working world since I was 16 years old and I have to say that it wasn't even an option in my mind to be rude to a customer! I've also owned my own business for the past 18 years, and if anyone working for me was ever rude to a client they'd lose their job. There wouldn't BE a second opportunity to do it again! (And, believe me, some of our clients down through the years have been pretty obnoxious and hard to take, but it isn't the job of the people working for me to respond in kind. If someone is nasty to one of my people, I will handle it in my own way. I've been known to "fire" clients just as fast as I'd fire an employee.)
It seems to be more and more acceptable, not only for employees to be rude, but for managers and business owners to overlook this behavior. Why is that? And it seems to be mostly people in their late teens and early 20's who are exhibiting this behavior...and I KNOW why that is! (Read my other posts and you'll see why.)
Many times in a grocery store, the cashier and the bagger will be carrying on some ridiculous inane conversation between themselves while totally ignoring the customer. The cashier's snapping gum, looking like a cow chewing her cud, laughing loudly, while tossing your produce off the conveyor belt, (the produce that you've spent time choosing carefully so you don't have bruised fruit) and the bagger is tossing cans into a bag on top of your bread and eggs while confiding her latest boyfriend problems or some other such nonsense to the cashier.
You know what? When this happens to me, I gently put my hand on top of the cashier's hand and stop her cold. When I have her full attention, I look her right in the eye and say: "I would like you to pay attention to what you're doing, and to your customers whose patronage here in this store is what allows you to have your job! None of us are interested in your personal life."
And, if the bagger has bruised the produce or squashed the bread, or overloaded one of those ridiculously flimsy plastic bags with heavy cans, I will ask them to go get me another loaf of bread, and to re-do those bags so that they make some kind of sense! And if I get attitude I will quietly say, "You seem to have a problem with my request...perhaps the manager can help." That pretty much stops the 'tude- storm in its tracks!
You know, I used to fume quietly and just go on my way. But, no more. The older I get, the less tolerance for bullcrap I have. (I plan on wearing a lot of purple, and a big red hat as I age, too! HA!) I'm tired of being treated like I'm a bother when I'm spending my money someplace. I'm sorry if you have problems at home, or you've had a bad day, or someone else has been rude to you and you decide to take it out on me. I didn't do anything to you and I won't allow you to treat me as if I have, or, even worse, as if I'm invisible. Keep your problems at home where they belong!
I am never rude to any clerks, restaurant servers, cashiers, or any other employees with whom I have any business dealings, and I expect to be treated with the same respect I show them. I am polite; I say please and thank you, I smile, and I look them in the eye!
I only ask for the same, simple, common courtesy.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
HELPLESS?....a poem by me
HELPLESS?
YOU LOOK AT ME SO HELPLESSLY,
YOUR CHINA-BLUE EYES REFLECTED
IN MY STEEL-GREY ONES.
YOU SAY NOTHING TO ME,
BUT I UNDERSTAND YOUR NEED.
WORDS ARE NOT NECESSARY BETWEEN US.
WHATEVER YOU WANT--IT'S YOURS.
(Never underestimate the power
of a tiny kitten!)
Please be sure to spay and neuter your pets!
YOU LOOK AT ME SO HELPLESSLY,
YOUR CHINA-BLUE EYES REFLECTED
IN MY STEEL-GREY ONES.
YOU SAY NOTHING TO ME,
BUT I UNDERSTAND YOUR NEED.
WORDS ARE NOT NECESSARY BETWEEN US.
WHATEVER YOU WANT--IT'S YOURS.
(Never underestimate the power
of a tiny kitten!)
Please be sure to spay and neuter your pets!
Saturday, February 23, 2008
BEFORE YOU SAY "I DO" (linked to Dr.Phil)
We are getting into the wedding season and I know a lot of young women are planning these huge, huge weddings with all the bells and whistles, and going into major debt to realize the dream that maybe they've had since they were little girls.
There's a show on TV called "Bridezillas" which glorifies the spoiled little bride brat and seems to make it fine to act like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum. I have to admit that sometimes I watch it just for laughs...but, really, when you think about it, it's not funny at all. Also, there's another show called "Say Yes To The Dress"...which is about this fancy bridal dress salon in New York that caters to the bridezilla and tries to sell her the most expensive dress in the place...and I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Well I don't care how much money it costs, I WANT it!" Some of these dresses cost upwards of $15,000! Think about that: $15,000 + for some dress you will only wear on ONE day for a few hours!!
It absolutely boggles my mind! It's not like you can ever wear it anywhere else for any other occasion! Do you know what other great things can be done with $15,000? You could buy a car or put a down payment on a house! Or, it could pay your rent on a pretty nice place for a year! That would be $1,250.00 a month...you can get a decent place for that....just the price of your dress alone.
Okay. Then, there's the ring. I'm not sure what the average cost of a ring big enough to satisfy a bridezilla is these days...but, I know it's several thousand dollars...maybe even running a close second to that $15,000 dress. Whatever happened to a modest diamond and a little gold band? When did that stop being good enough?
Then, of course, you have to have a really good (read "expensive") photographer, right? And don't forget the fancy invitations....(which will wind up in the trash.)
Add onto all these things the cost of the cake...which can be absolutely ridiculous.....the place where the wedding is held, the cost of the person who performs the ceremony, the reception with all the many details like the disc jockey, or band or orchestra, the caterer, the food, drinks, including alcohol, (so that there's a good chance at least a few people can get stupid, act like fools and ruin the reception that cost a fortune), the decorations/flowers for both the location of the wedding, for the bride and all the attendants, and for the reception.
I know there are dozens of expenses I haven't even listed here..but, you get my drift.
There's another TV show called "My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding" that shows really crazy people who spend over a million dollars on something that lasts for one day and a few little hours. I can't even wrap my mind around that! (The sorry thing is, I wonder just how many of these marriages last?) Besides that, how many times have you heard about so many things going wrong and ruining the wedding or reception? Some of the best marriages have had a wedding day that was a whole comedy of disasters! Yet, too many of you think you will just curl up and DIE if anything goes wrong, and you put so much stress on yourself, your groom, and everyone else involved in the wedding that you are a total mess on your day and wind up remembering very little about it!
What you girls should be thinking about is the MARRIAGE....not just the wedding.
Did you actually get to know your intended...I mean really get to know him BEFORE you agreed to marry? Or, are you marrying him because "he's just so cute!" Have you sat down with him and discussed important issues? And I don't mean what color tux he will wear at the wedding, or any of the other minor details. I'm talking about issues that will affect the lives of both of you as well as any children you may have.
Have you discussed religion? (do you have the same views; do you agree on the importance of it in your lives?)
What do you expect from each other regarding sex?
Children? (Whether or not that's something you both want; how many? How close together? Do you agree on birth control methods? If you both work, how do you feel about child care providers? How much do you expect from your husband as far as helping to take care of the children? Are you prepared for the financial, physical, and emotional strain that children will put on the marriage? What are your views regarding discipline? Do you agree on how you will handle that?)
If this is not the first marriage and there are children involved, it's even MORE important to discuss the subject of discipline because a step-parent has no right to just jump in and take over. That will cause a whole lot of resentment in children who are over the age of 3! As a step-parent you will have to walk a fine line. You want respect, but remember: respect has to be earned. You all have to get to really know each other before you blend your families! Statistics tell us that second marriages have an even greater chance of failure...and it goes down with each successive marriage. I know that's discouraging...but it's the truth and you have to deal with what IS, not what you want it to be.
Have you discussed money issues? (how it's managed? Is one of you a saver and the other a spender? Is either one of you bringing a large debt into the marriage? Do you know each other's credit scores? This can become really important when it's time for a large purchase like a house or a car, and can cause a lot of resentment if the credit history of one of you causes a hardship.) The number one cause of divorce is money issues...so get it all out in the open and deal with it before you take the walk down the aisle.
Where do you want to live? (city or out in the country? condo? house? Southwest? Midwest? etc.)
How do you feel about household chores? (Willing to share equally or do you have old-fashioned ideas where it's "the woman's place?...which is fine if you BOTH agree.) What about cooking meals? How important is a clean house to both of you? Is one of you a slob and the other a neat freak?
How's your communication? (Do you talk to each other...really talk? Can you discuss ANYthing, or do either of you have to walk on eggshells to keep the other from blowing up?
And how DO you handle anger?
How does your intended treat others? Is he kind to animals? How does he treat his Mother? These are all indicators of how he will treat you!
Do you REALLY trust each other? I mean, do you feel a sense of peace with each other deep within your heart and soul? Or, is that little inner voice that we all have (and ignore too often) picking at you, telling you that something is wrong? Have either of you accused the other of flirting, or at looking at others, or do you constantly worry about each other whenever you're apart? Usually, if there's suspicion, there's a good reason for it. Don't ignore that inner voice just because it hurts you to listen....it'll hurt you more in the long run if you don't!
DO YOU EACH LOVE YOURSELVES AS WELL AS EACH OTHER? This may sound like a funny question...but, think about it. What kind of baggage are you going to bring into this marriage? If either of you thinks of yourselves as a piece of garbage, then that person probably won't believe anyone else can really love them either, which will make them insecure and suspicious, and which will then make them so needy that the marriage will become a soul-sucking JOB instead of a partnership. Get yourself right before you add a partner into the mix. And don't take on someone who is messed up.
How serious are you willing to take these vows you will be saying? "In sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer until death do you part"? Will you actually mean them....or are they just words you have to say to get through the ceremony? Have you thought about the meaning of those words?
THIS IS KEY....AND YOU BETTER SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IT: Do either of you have any addictions? Alcohol, drugs, porn, the Internet, shopping, gambling? It's pretty hard to have a good, solid marriage when your first love is an addiction. Better call it off if that's the case because addictions do not fix themselves and YOU can't fix the other person!
Do you TRULY like your intended...or do you have problems with some major character flaws but you're convinced they will just magically disappear with your tender loving care after you are married? Better be brutally honest about this one! (Women are way too apt to think like this. "I just love him so much that he will fall right into step as soon as we're married. I can fix him.") You can't.
Do you respect each other? Do you feel truly valued as a person; liked and loved, and accepted for yourself as you are now? (Or, have you heard...or said..."after we're married, I will expect you to .........?)
Ladies, in your relationship, has this man you've chosen mesh your life with isolated you in any way? Does he seem possessive? Jealous of time you spend with others.....even family? This is a major warning sign! Do not mistake these traits for "love". This is not love; this is a forewarning to abuse.
And here's something you may not have thought of: In what kind of homes did each of you grow up? And how has it affected you as a person, and the kinds of choices you make in a partner? By this I mean, if you, as a woman, have grown up with an abusive, alcoholic father, do you tend you pick the same kind of man to get involved with? If this is true, then you need to take a step back and deal with these types of issues FIRST before you let someone into your life....especially if you find yourself accepting this behavior from others.
The divorce rate is currently around 60%. Don't set yourselves up for failure by neglecting the important, ongoing issues and concentrating on just the wedding ceremony. Keep the whole thing simple. It can be beautiful, peaceful and loving without being over-the-top expensive. Save your money for a nicer honeymoon, or a cushion to fall back on if either of you should lose your job...which, in this economy, is a very real threat! Save it so that you can go on a little romantic weekend every so often....a cabin in the woods, or at the beach...or in the mountains. Or a really nice dinner out together, candlelight and all.
Don't forget to set aside at least one day, maybe every two weeks, as a "date night (or day)". Doesn't matter where you go....a movie; a walk in the park; a picnic....just go someplace together and get away from everything....and talk! Refresh and reconnect. Have fun and laugh...don't ever forget to laugh!
Don't become another statistic.
There's a show on TV called "Bridezillas" which glorifies the spoiled little bride brat and seems to make it fine to act like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum. I have to admit that sometimes I watch it just for laughs...but, really, when you think about it, it's not funny at all. Also, there's another show called "Say Yes To The Dress"...which is about this fancy bridal dress salon in New York that caters to the bridezilla and tries to sell her the most expensive dress in the place...and I can't tell you how many times I've heard "Well I don't care how much money it costs, I WANT it!" Some of these dresses cost upwards of $15,000! Think about that: $15,000 + for some dress you will only wear on ONE day for a few hours!!
It absolutely boggles my mind! It's not like you can ever wear it anywhere else for any other occasion! Do you know what other great things can be done with $15,000? You could buy a car or put a down payment on a house! Or, it could pay your rent on a pretty nice place for a year! That would be $1,250.00 a month...you can get a decent place for that....just the price of your dress alone.
Okay. Then, there's the ring. I'm not sure what the average cost of a ring big enough to satisfy a bridezilla is these days...but, I know it's several thousand dollars...maybe even running a close second to that $15,000 dress. Whatever happened to a modest diamond and a little gold band? When did that stop being good enough?
Then, of course, you have to have a really good (read "expensive") photographer, right? And don't forget the fancy invitations....(which will wind up in the trash.)
Add onto all these things the cost of the cake...which can be absolutely ridiculous.....the place where the wedding is held, the cost of the person who performs the ceremony, the reception with all the many details like the disc jockey, or band or orchestra, the caterer, the food, drinks, including alcohol, (so that there's a good chance at least a few people can get stupid, act like fools and ruin the reception that cost a fortune), the decorations/flowers for both the location of the wedding, for the bride and all the attendants, and for the reception.
I know there are dozens of expenses I haven't even listed here..but, you get my drift.
There's another TV show called "My Big Fat Fabulous Wedding" that shows really crazy people who spend over a million dollars on something that lasts for one day and a few little hours. I can't even wrap my mind around that! (The sorry thing is, I wonder just how many of these marriages last?) Besides that, how many times have you heard about so many things going wrong and ruining the wedding or reception? Some of the best marriages have had a wedding day that was a whole comedy of disasters! Yet, too many of you think you will just curl up and DIE if anything goes wrong, and you put so much stress on yourself, your groom, and everyone else involved in the wedding that you are a total mess on your day and wind up remembering very little about it!
What you girls should be thinking about is the MARRIAGE....not just the wedding.
Did you actually get to know your intended...I mean really get to know him BEFORE you agreed to marry? Or, are you marrying him because "he's just so cute!" Have you sat down with him and discussed important issues? And I don't mean what color tux he will wear at the wedding, or any of the other minor details. I'm talking about issues that will affect the lives of both of you as well as any children you may have.
Have you discussed religion? (do you have the same views; do you agree on the importance of it in your lives?)
What do you expect from each other regarding sex?
Children? (Whether or not that's something you both want; how many? How close together? Do you agree on birth control methods? If you both work, how do you feel about child care providers? How much do you expect from your husband as far as helping to take care of the children? Are you prepared for the financial, physical, and emotional strain that children will put on the marriage? What are your views regarding discipline? Do you agree on how you will handle that?)
If this is not the first marriage and there are children involved, it's even MORE important to discuss the subject of discipline because a step-parent has no right to just jump in and take over. That will cause a whole lot of resentment in children who are over the age of 3! As a step-parent you will have to walk a fine line. You want respect, but remember: respect has to be earned. You all have to get to really know each other before you blend your families! Statistics tell us that second marriages have an even greater chance of failure...and it goes down with each successive marriage. I know that's discouraging...but it's the truth and you have to deal with what IS, not what you want it to be.
Have you discussed money issues? (how it's managed? Is one of you a saver and the other a spender? Is either one of you bringing a large debt into the marriage? Do you know each other's credit scores? This can become really important when it's time for a large purchase like a house or a car, and can cause a lot of resentment if the credit history of one of you causes a hardship.) The number one cause of divorce is money issues...so get it all out in the open and deal with it before you take the walk down the aisle.
Where do you want to live? (city or out in the country? condo? house? Southwest? Midwest? etc.)
How do you feel about household chores? (Willing to share equally or do you have old-fashioned ideas where it's "the woman's place?...which is fine if you BOTH agree.) What about cooking meals? How important is a clean house to both of you? Is one of you a slob and the other a neat freak?
How's your communication? (Do you talk to each other...really talk? Can you discuss ANYthing, or do either of you have to walk on eggshells to keep the other from blowing up?
And how DO you handle anger?
How does your intended treat others? Is he kind to animals? How does he treat his Mother? These are all indicators of how he will treat you!
Do you REALLY trust each other? I mean, do you feel a sense of peace with each other deep within your heart and soul? Or, is that little inner voice that we all have (and ignore too often) picking at you, telling you that something is wrong? Have either of you accused the other of flirting, or at looking at others, or do you constantly worry about each other whenever you're apart? Usually, if there's suspicion, there's a good reason for it. Don't ignore that inner voice just because it hurts you to listen....it'll hurt you more in the long run if you don't!
DO YOU EACH LOVE YOURSELVES AS WELL AS EACH OTHER? This may sound like a funny question...but, think about it. What kind of baggage are you going to bring into this marriage? If either of you thinks of yourselves as a piece of garbage, then that person probably won't believe anyone else can really love them either, which will make them insecure and suspicious, and which will then make them so needy that the marriage will become a soul-sucking JOB instead of a partnership. Get yourself right before you add a partner into the mix. And don't take on someone who is messed up.
How serious are you willing to take these vows you will be saying? "In sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer until death do you part"? Will you actually mean them....or are they just words you have to say to get through the ceremony? Have you thought about the meaning of those words?
THIS IS KEY....AND YOU BETTER SERIOUSLY CONSIDER IT: Do either of you have any addictions? Alcohol, drugs, porn, the Internet, shopping, gambling? It's pretty hard to have a good, solid marriage when your first love is an addiction. Better call it off if that's the case because addictions do not fix themselves and YOU can't fix the other person!
Do you TRULY like your intended...or do you have problems with some major character flaws but you're convinced they will just magically disappear with your tender loving care after you are married? Better be brutally honest about this one! (Women are way too apt to think like this. "I just love him so much that he will fall right into step as soon as we're married. I can fix him.") You can't.
Do you respect each other? Do you feel truly valued as a person; liked and loved, and accepted for yourself as you are now? (Or, have you heard...or said..."after we're married, I will expect you to .........?)
Ladies, in your relationship, has this man you've chosen mesh your life with isolated you in any way? Does he seem possessive? Jealous of time you spend with others.....even family? This is a major warning sign! Do not mistake these traits for "love". This is not love; this is a forewarning to abuse.
And here's something you may not have thought of: In what kind of homes did each of you grow up? And how has it affected you as a person, and the kinds of choices you make in a partner? By this I mean, if you, as a woman, have grown up with an abusive, alcoholic father, do you tend you pick the same kind of man to get involved with? If this is true, then you need to take a step back and deal with these types of issues FIRST before you let someone into your life....especially if you find yourself accepting this behavior from others.
The divorce rate is currently around 60%. Don't set yourselves up for failure by neglecting the important, ongoing issues and concentrating on just the wedding ceremony. Keep the whole thing simple. It can be beautiful, peaceful and loving without being over-the-top expensive. Save your money for a nicer honeymoon, or a cushion to fall back on if either of you should lose your job...which, in this economy, is a very real threat! Save it so that you can go on a little romantic weekend every so often....a cabin in the woods, or at the beach...or in the mountains. Or a really nice dinner out together, candlelight and all.
Don't forget to set aside at least one day, maybe every two weeks, as a "date night (or day)". Doesn't matter where you go....a movie; a walk in the park; a picnic....just go someplace together and get away from everything....and talk! Refresh and reconnect. Have fun and laugh...don't ever forget to laugh!
Don't become another statistic.
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